A blog without Comic Sans MS font

I’ve read that there’s a recent backlash to using Comic Sans MS font. The article said that the creator of the font has been “alternately amused and mortified” seeing his font used on everything from business email to funeral notices. He also said that neither the lovers nor haters understand typography. “They should get another hobby.”

That would've been a little funny if this blog allowed me to actually use Comic Sans MS as a font. Let's just visualize.
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New Superhero idea: Babyface, who’s power is that he ages half as fast as normal people. Because he gained his power 10 years ago when he was 15, he’s really 25 -- but looks only 20! His arch enemy is Chronos, who will inevitably trap Babyface in time-related contraptions. Because, as everyone in the comic book universe knows, any supervillian needs a superhero with equal and opposite powers or you just aren’t worth sh!t. And, vice versa, of course.

Chronos: Ha! Now I have you in my special aging chamber! It is set to age you twice as fast! Your super powers are nullified!

Babyface: Ah! I feel… weak… can’t… stand…

Chronos: Cut the crap, you’re just aging like everyone else now.

Babyface: Oh. Well, I still should escape from this chamber, right?

Chronos: No, because I’m going to turn it up even more! You will age 1.5 times faster than normal human beings!

Babyface: Ok, I’m a little tired.

Chronos: And I can go even faster!

Babyface: No, like I’m tired of this schtick of yours. Do you know any, uh, more exciting bad guys?

Chronos: You’re... leaving me?

Babyface: It’s not you, it’s me. I… ok, it is you.

Chronos: It’s both of us… sob! You know I’m the right one for you! Sob! We need each other! Sob sob!

Babyface: Can I get out of this stupid chamber or what?

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I’m not impressed with tax cuts as a means to stabilize the economy. If I lost my job, a tax cut won’t help me keep my house. If I work but was in danger of losing my house, a $13 per week tax refund in June is still unlikely to help. It’s too little, too late.

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I live with a near constant training program. But, I want my alcohol at night. Even more than that, I just want to dive into a box of donuts and eat until my arteries solidify. If only I could resist the charms of using Comic Sans MS

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I’m still watching Battlestar Galactica. The humans are in a tizzy because they can’t tell the humans from the Cylons. As a viewer, it’s easy. The Cylons are the horny ones. The only human who is interested in sex is Baltar, and he’s the double agent. He’s constantly being seduced by a Cylon who is a figment of his imagination. He’s also supposed to be a genius but he can’t figure out that whenever he gets into relations with this apparition, he will always be walked in on, catching him alone in an embarrassing situation.

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It sorta goes without saying that … never mind, it went without my saying it.

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In my never-ending quest to reap thousands of dollars by selling a worthless crappy artifact on Ebay, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich that happened to be shaped like the state of Kentucky. Ok, it’s not exactly a sign from the Heavens, because I shaped it with my teeth. But it was purely unplanned. On the other hand, I hadn’t brought any other food for the day. Here I was, holding a sandwich potentially worth thousands of dollars, and yet I could not put food in my belly!

So, I took a bite. I ate Harlan and Cumberland counties and a large swath of the Daniel Boone National Forest. Not a lot of people actually live out there, so may be they won’t notice.

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Steven Covey made millions off some shtick “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. I’ll write “The Seven Annoying Habits of Stupid People”. I won’t do lectures that take seven sentences and stretch them into three day seminars like Covey did. Mostly that’s only because I only own two suits, and on the third day, everyone is going to know. You get the abridged version…

***Stupid people complain when it’s hot and when it’s cold.
***Stupid people think they drive better than the average driver.
***Stupid people use Comic Sans MS frequently.
***Stupid people act like they don’t know they’re stupid.
***Stupid people laugh when nothing is funny.
***Stupid people can’t count.

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I have always wondered what they eat at the corporate board meetings at McDonalds. Do they get some gourmet chef, which would imply that their product sucks, or do they send someone out for a bag of Big Macs and fries? What if the gopher screws up and says “The lines were too long at McD’s, so I went across the street. Whopper, anyone?”

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I spilled some coffee on the floor in an exact shape of Kyrgyzstan. So I took a picture, and I was going to sell it on Ebay for thousands of dollars. But how can I post it without essentially giving it away for free? Sobbing, I had to wipe up the Kyrgyzstan shaped coffee spill on my floor. It reminded me of the time a few years ago when I was changing diaper poop in the shape of Madagascar.

Some people will never appreciate obvious signs from the heavens. And by “appreciate”, I mean “pay me generously for my shoddy, half-hearted quasi-delusions”.

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So when is this recession going to hit these overpaid sport salaries? I’m waiting.

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Untruth-in-advertising: Li’l Kim from Dancing With the Stars gave some diet tips. She said that she was a size 0. She has slimmed down quite a bit in the last few years, but there’s no way that she’s a size 0 with all those crazy curves going on. And I don’t get “size 0”. How can you have no size??

Li’l Kim’s diet tip was “no carbs after 5:00”. I don’t get that, either. How do the carbs know what time it is? Is there some microscopic carb clock that counts down to a midnight detonation?

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This just in: Overuse of Comic Sans MS may cause headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, premature ejaculation, projectile diarrhea and the inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.

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I came upon a piece of copy paper shaped like the state of Colorado. I tried to sell it to their state museum for thousands of dollars. The offer was rejected because they insisted that it more closely resembled Wyoming. I can’t stand it when a perfectly good get-rich-quick scheme goes to hell.

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Zawahri, the 2nd in command of Al-Qaida, is complaining about Obama’s plan to put more troops in Afghanistan. Zawahri ordered all the Arab states bordering Israel to attack, and he blasted Egypt for negotiating between the two rival Palestinian factions. Is there anybody outside of his cave that this guy doesn’t have a beef with?

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I’m against the “peanut butter” approach to Homeland Security. Funds spent defending the Pentagon are good. Funds spent defending the tourist center in Harlan County, KY are plain-as-day pork.

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The Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Comic Sans MS is now the official font of terrorist networks worldwide.

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At the 2009 Louisville marathon, I bonked at the end. But, the pacers were also bonking. The 3:10 pacer passed out on the pavement just after the finish line. The medical guys were trying to revive him.
“Are you ok, sir?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you know that ‘fine’ people don’t normally lie down on the street?”
“I’m ok.”
“Is this your first race?”
“No, It’s my 93rd.”

I was about a hair away from passing out myself. At least I was in good company. He recovered. Later, the previously-passed-out-pacer-presently-possessing-pep paused to prelect with me (abandon all attempts at alliteration!). He said that race was his worst ever, too.

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I have my next-race dietary plan already set. No sugary sweets, but I’ll allow myself to drink alcohol during training. With any luck, that means less complaining. But right now, I brag about the oceans of beer that I didn’t drink. All told, that’s slightly less pathetic than back in college bragging about how much beer I did. Turns out that neither angle is good for picking up chicks. I don’t know why. Go figure.

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Turns out that Comic Sans MS works well for picking up chicks online. Who knew?