I've been seeing bold statements on soft drinks "Made with REAL sugar!" SoBe and Mountain Dew, for instance. Mountain Doo even went retro with the label to go back to before they used corn syrup. Except the old one didn't boast the sugar content like it was some kind of healthy additive.
********************
I saw "Drag Me To Hell", directed by Sam Rami. This was not the upscale Sam Rami that did the Spiderman franchise. This was the Sam Rami that did Evil Dead 2 and 3. These two Sam Ramis inhabit the same body, but the difference in the type of movies that they make aren't even in the same universe. The plot starts when a female loan officer doesn't give a 3rd extension on a mortgage to a gypsy woman. Wait, gypsies have mortgages? Anyway, the old gypsy cursed this chick, and she goes through trials and tribulations to avoid getting dragged to hell. But she was just doing her job - and apparently the gypsy didn't lose the house anyway, because her family was still there throughout the movie. The gypsy woman herself died, but that didn't stop the bank chick from having to fight her vomiting corpse like 5 times.
The cursed girl's boyfriend was played by the guy who is the "Mac" in the "Mac vs PC" commercials. His obvious lack of acting ability doesn't shine through as loudly in a 30 second spot when he's portraying an inanimate object's imagined personna. But cast him as a human being and he flops.
And in the end, she gets dragged to hell anyway.
************************************
I can't believe that my wife got "Pineapple Express" from Netflix. Two guys talk all stoned for an hour & 45 and it culminates with a gunfight, and explosion and "I love you, man!" Not surprisingly, she fell asleep halfway through.
************************************
I saw "The Incredible Hulk" part 2, but it didn't say "part 2". It was the one with Ed Norton. The movie was entirely predictable until the end, when in walks - - - Iron Man! Well, not Iron Man, but Tony Stark. Actually, it was Robert Downey, Jr.. Essentially, I read it as an admission that Marvel can not continue to carry a movie franchise based solely on "Hulk smash!" So watch for a superhero cross-contamination coming to a theatre near you. Maybe they'll throw in Captain America, Thor, a few X-men and that "Shazam" guy, too.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
A blog without Comic Sans MS font
I’ve read that there’s a recent backlash to using Comic Sans MS font. The article said that the creator of the font has been “alternately amused and mortified” seeing his font used on everything from business email to funeral notices. He also said that neither the lovers nor haters understand typography. “They should get another hobby.”
That would've been a little funny if this blog allowed me to actually use Comic Sans MS as a font. Let's just visualize.
+++++++++++++
New Superhero idea: Babyface, who’s power is that he ages half as fast as normal people. Because he gained his power 10 years ago when he was 15, he’s really 25 -- but looks only 20! His arch enemy is Chronos, who will inevitably trap Babyface in time-related contraptions. Because, as everyone in the comic book universe knows, any supervillian needs a superhero with equal and opposite powers or you just aren’t worth sh!t. And, vice versa, of course.
Chronos: Ha! Now I have you in my special aging chamber! It is set to age you twice as fast! Your super powers are nullified!
Babyface: Ah! I feel… weak… can’t… stand…
Chronos: Cut the crap, you’re just aging like everyone else now.
Babyface: Oh. Well, I still should escape from this chamber, right?
Chronos: No, because I’m going to turn it up even more! You will age 1.5 times faster than normal human beings!
Babyface: Ok, I’m a little tired.
Chronos: And I can go even faster!
Babyface: No, like I’m tired of this schtick of yours. Do you know any, uh, more exciting bad guys?
Chronos: You’re... leaving me?
Babyface: It’s not you, it’s me. I… ok, it is you.
Chronos: It’s both of us… sob! You know I’m the right one for you! Sob! We need each other! Sob sob!
Babyface: Can I get out of this stupid chamber or what?
++++++++++++
I’m not impressed with tax cuts as a means to stabilize the economy. If I lost my job, a tax cut won’t help me keep my house. If I work but was in danger of losing my house, a $13 per week tax refund in June is still unlikely to help. It’s too little, too late.
+++++++++++
I live with a near constant training program. But, I want my alcohol at night. Even more than that, I just want to dive into a box of donuts and eat until my arteries solidify. If only I could resist the charms of using Comic Sans MS
+++++++++++++
I’m still watching Battlestar Galactica. The humans are in a tizzy because they can’t tell the humans from the Cylons. As a viewer, it’s easy. The Cylons are the horny ones. The only human who is interested in sex is Baltar, and he’s the double agent. He’s constantly being seduced by a Cylon who is a figment of his imagination. He’s also supposed to be a genius but he can’t figure out that whenever he gets into relations with this apparition, he will always be walked in on, catching him alone in an embarrassing situation.
++++++++++++
It sorta goes without saying that … never mind, it went without my saying it.
++++++++++
In my never-ending quest to reap thousands of dollars by selling a worthless crappy artifact on Ebay, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich that happened to be shaped like the state of Kentucky. Ok, it’s not exactly a sign from the Heavens, because I shaped it with my teeth. But it was purely unplanned. On the other hand, I hadn’t brought any other food for the day. Here I was, holding a sandwich potentially worth thousands of dollars, and yet I could not put food in my belly!
So, I took a bite. I ate Harlan and Cumberland counties and a large swath of the Daniel Boone National Forest. Not a lot of people actually live out there, so may be they won’t notice.
++++++++++++++
Steven Covey made millions off some shtick “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. I’ll write “The Seven Annoying Habits of Stupid People”. I won’t do lectures that take seven sentences and stretch them into three day seminars like Covey did. Mostly that’s only because I only own two suits, and on the third day, everyone is going to know. You get the abridged version…
***Stupid people complain when it’s hot and when it’s cold.
***Stupid people think they drive better than the average driver.
***Stupid people use Comic Sans MS frequently.
***Stupid people act like they don’t know they’re stupid.
***Stupid people laugh when nothing is funny.
***Stupid people can’t count.
++++++++++
I have always wondered what they eat at the corporate board meetings at McDonalds. Do they get some gourmet chef, which would imply that their product sucks, or do they send someone out for a bag of Big Macs and fries? What if the gopher screws up and says “The lines were too long at McD’s, so I went across the street. Whopper, anyone?”
+++++++++++++
I spilled some coffee on the floor in an exact shape of Kyrgyzstan. So I took a picture, and I was going to sell it on Ebay for thousands of dollars. But how can I post it without essentially giving it away for free? Sobbing, I had to wipe up the Kyrgyzstan shaped coffee spill on my floor. It reminded me of the time a few years ago when I was changing diaper poop in the shape of Madagascar.
Some people will never appreciate obvious signs from the heavens. And by “appreciate”, I mean “pay me generously for my shoddy, half-hearted quasi-delusions”.
+++++++++
So when is this recession going to hit these overpaid sport salaries? I’m waiting.
++++++++++++
Untruth-in-advertising: Li’l Kim from Dancing With the Stars gave some diet tips. She said that she was a size 0. She has slimmed down quite a bit in the last few years, but there’s no way that she’s a size 0 with all those crazy curves going on. And I don’t get “size 0”. How can you have no size??
Li’l Kim’s diet tip was “no carbs after 5:00”. I don’t get that, either. How do the carbs know what time it is? Is there some microscopic carb clock that counts down to a midnight detonation?
+++++++++
This just in: Overuse of Comic Sans MS may cause headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, premature ejaculation, projectile diarrhea and the inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.
+++++++++++
I came upon a piece of copy paper shaped like the state of Colorado. I tried to sell it to their state museum for thousands of dollars. The offer was rejected because they insisted that it more closely resembled Wyoming. I can’t stand it when a perfectly good get-rich-quick scheme goes to hell.
++++++++++++++
Zawahri, the 2nd in command of Al-Qaida, is complaining about Obama’s plan to put more troops in Afghanistan. Zawahri ordered all the Arab states bordering Israel to attack, and he blasted Egypt for negotiating between the two rival Palestinian factions. Is there anybody outside of his cave that this guy doesn’t have a beef with?
++++++++++
I’m against the “peanut butter” approach to Homeland Security. Funds spent defending the Pentagon are good. Funds spent defending the tourist center in Harlan County, KY are plain-as-day pork.
++++++++++++
The Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Comic Sans MS is now the official font of terrorist networks worldwide.
+++++++++
At the 2009 Louisville marathon, I bonked at the end. But, the pacers were also bonking. The 3:10 pacer passed out on the pavement just after the finish line. The medical guys were trying to revive him.
“Are you ok, sir?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you know that ‘fine’ people don’t normally lie down on the street?”
“I’m ok.”
“Is this your first race?”
“No, It’s my 93rd.”
I was about a hair away from passing out myself. At least I was in good company. He recovered. Later, the previously-passed-out-pacer-presently-possessing-pep paused to prelect with me (abandon all attempts at alliteration!). He said that race was his worst ever, too.
+++++++++++++++++
I have my next-race dietary plan already set. No sugary sweets, but I’ll allow myself to drink alcohol during training. With any luck, that means less complaining. But right now, I brag about the oceans of beer that I didn’t drink. All told, that’s slightly less pathetic than back in college bragging about how much beer I did. Turns out that neither angle is good for picking up chicks. I don’t know why. Go figure.
+++++++++
Turns out that Comic Sans MS works well for picking up chicks online. Who knew?
That would've been a little funny if this blog allowed me to actually use Comic Sans MS as a font. Let's just visualize.
+++++++++++++
New Superhero idea: Babyface, who’s power is that he ages half as fast as normal people. Because he gained his power 10 years ago when he was 15, he’s really 25 -- but looks only 20! His arch enemy is Chronos, who will inevitably trap Babyface in time-related contraptions. Because, as everyone in the comic book universe knows, any supervillian needs a superhero with equal and opposite powers or you just aren’t worth sh!t. And, vice versa, of course.
Chronos: Ha! Now I have you in my special aging chamber! It is set to age you twice as fast! Your super powers are nullified!
Babyface: Ah! I feel… weak… can’t… stand…
Chronos: Cut the crap, you’re just aging like everyone else now.
Babyface: Oh. Well, I still should escape from this chamber, right?
Chronos: No, because I’m going to turn it up even more! You will age 1.5 times faster than normal human beings!
Babyface: Ok, I’m a little tired.
Chronos: And I can go even faster!
Babyface: No, like I’m tired of this schtick of yours. Do you know any, uh, more exciting bad guys?
Chronos: You’re... leaving me?
Babyface: It’s not you, it’s me. I… ok, it is you.
Chronos: It’s both of us… sob! You know I’m the right one for you! Sob! We need each other! Sob sob!
Babyface: Can I get out of this stupid chamber or what?
++++++++++++
I’m not impressed with tax cuts as a means to stabilize the economy. If I lost my job, a tax cut won’t help me keep my house. If I work but was in danger of losing my house, a $13 per week tax refund in June is still unlikely to help. It’s too little, too late.
+++++++++++
I live with a near constant training program. But, I want my alcohol at night. Even more than that, I just want to dive into a box of donuts and eat until my arteries solidify. If only I could resist the charms of using Comic Sans MS
+++++++++++++
I’m still watching Battlestar Galactica. The humans are in a tizzy because they can’t tell the humans from the Cylons. As a viewer, it’s easy. The Cylons are the horny ones. The only human who is interested in sex is Baltar, and he’s the double agent. He’s constantly being seduced by a Cylon who is a figment of his imagination. He’s also supposed to be a genius but he can’t figure out that whenever he gets into relations with this apparition, he will always be walked in on, catching him alone in an embarrassing situation.
++++++++++++
It sorta goes without saying that … never mind, it went without my saying it.
++++++++++
In my never-ending quest to reap thousands of dollars by selling a worthless crappy artifact on Ebay, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich that happened to be shaped like the state of Kentucky. Ok, it’s not exactly a sign from the Heavens, because I shaped it with my teeth. But it was purely unplanned. On the other hand, I hadn’t brought any other food for the day. Here I was, holding a sandwich potentially worth thousands of dollars, and yet I could not put food in my belly!
So, I took a bite. I ate Harlan and Cumberland counties and a large swath of the Daniel Boone National Forest. Not a lot of people actually live out there, so may be they won’t notice.
++++++++++++++
Steven Covey made millions off some shtick “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. I’ll write “The Seven Annoying Habits of Stupid People”. I won’t do lectures that take seven sentences and stretch them into three day seminars like Covey did. Mostly that’s only because I only own two suits, and on the third day, everyone is going to know. You get the abridged version…
***Stupid people complain when it’s hot and when it’s cold.
***Stupid people think they drive better than the average driver.
***Stupid people use Comic Sans MS frequently.
***Stupid people act like they don’t know they’re stupid.
***Stupid people laugh when nothing is funny.
***Stupid people can’t count.
++++++++++
I have always wondered what they eat at the corporate board meetings at McDonalds. Do they get some gourmet chef, which would imply that their product sucks, or do they send someone out for a bag of Big Macs and fries? What if the gopher screws up and says “The lines were too long at McD’s, so I went across the street. Whopper, anyone?”
+++++++++++++
I spilled some coffee on the floor in an exact shape of Kyrgyzstan. So I took a picture, and I was going to sell it on Ebay for thousands of dollars. But how can I post it without essentially giving it away for free? Sobbing, I had to wipe up the Kyrgyzstan shaped coffee spill on my floor. It reminded me of the time a few years ago when I was changing diaper poop in the shape of Madagascar.
Some people will never appreciate obvious signs from the heavens. And by “appreciate”, I mean “pay me generously for my shoddy, half-hearted quasi-delusions”.
+++++++++
So when is this recession going to hit these overpaid sport salaries? I’m waiting.
++++++++++++
Untruth-in-advertising: Li’l Kim from Dancing With the Stars gave some diet tips. She said that she was a size 0. She has slimmed down quite a bit in the last few years, but there’s no way that she’s a size 0 with all those crazy curves going on. And I don’t get “size 0”. How can you have no size??
Li’l Kim’s diet tip was “no carbs after 5:00”. I don’t get that, either. How do the carbs know what time it is? Is there some microscopic carb clock that counts down to a midnight detonation?
+++++++++
This just in: Overuse of Comic Sans MS may cause headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, premature ejaculation, projectile diarrhea and the inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.
+++++++++++
I came upon a piece of copy paper shaped like the state of Colorado. I tried to sell it to their state museum for thousands of dollars. The offer was rejected because they insisted that it more closely resembled Wyoming. I can’t stand it when a perfectly good get-rich-quick scheme goes to hell.
++++++++++++++
Zawahri, the 2nd in command of Al-Qaida, is complaining about Obama’s plan to put more troops in Afghanistan. Zawahri ordered all the Arab states bordering Israel to attack, and he blasted Egypt for negotiating between the two rival Palestinian factions. Is there anybody outside of his cave that this guy doesn’t have a beef with?
++++++++++
I’m against the “peanut butter” approach to Homeland Security. Funds spent defending the Pentagon are good. Funds spent defending the tourist center in Harlan County, KY are plain-as-day pork.
++++++++++++
The Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Comic Sans MS is now the official font of terrorist networks worldwide.
+++++++++
At the 2009 Louisville marathon, I bonked at the end. But, the pacers were also bonking. The 3:10 pacer passed out on the pavement just after the finish line. The medical guys were trying to revive him.
“Are you ok, sir?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you know that ‘fine’ people don’t normally lie down on the street?”
“I’m ok.”
“Is this your first race?”
“No, It’s my 93rd.”
I was about a hair away from passing out myself. At least I was in good company. He recovered. Later, the previously-passed-out-pacer-presently-possessing-pep paused to prelect with me (abandon all attempts at alliteration!). He said that race was his worst ever, too.
+++++++++++++++++
I have my next-race dietary plan already set. No sugary sweets, but I’ll allow myself to drink alcohol during training. With any luck, that means less complaining. But right now, I brag about the oceans of beer that I didn’t drink. All told, that’s slightly less pathetic than back in college bragging about how much beer I did. Turns out that neither angle is good for picking up chicks. I don’t know why. Go figure.
+++++++++
Turns out that Comic Sans MS works well for picking up chicks online. Who knew?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Hellboy, Sandman and the fate of the world rests on what is growing in my fridge.
I finally got around to watching Hellboy II: The Golden Army on a cheap, Chinese DVD. I started watching, but the subtitles threw in random, inappropriate words and phrases. Something about having sex and brushing teeth seemed to be a theme.
My Father said that it was one of the worst movies that he’d ever seen. The reviews at the time seemed to be favorable, though. Maybe Dad doesn’t appreciate the fine art of action movies.
No, it was pretty horrible. And it wasn’t just the subtitles. It was largely predictable and clichéd. Some reviewers felt that the movie had some kind of depth because the antagonist mythical figure kept telling Hellboy that the humans think that Hellboy is a freak. That theme was done in the Batman and Spiderman series – and better. Hellboy’s treatment is weak and formulaic at best.
The Golden Army was supposed to be “seven times seventy soldiers”. When they showed the whole army, it was thousands strong. Yah, I know they’re just CGI anyway, but can’t a computer count to 490?
+++++++++++++
I’m still impressed with Neil Gaiman’s graphic novel series Sandman. The 8th book reminded me of 1001 Arabian Nights, because it was full of tale-within-a-tale-within-a-tale stuff. When you’re into it about 4 levels deep, you’re like “Who is telling this story now?” But just go with it, and eventually you come outside somewhere.
I’m also quite impressed that the series never settles down into a formula. It’s constantly surprising me. Sometimes it focuses on the Sandman himself, but most of the time, he is only a tangential player in the series that bears his name. There is almost never a protagonist who fights an antagonist, so the story path is never predictable.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Even though few if any real conservatives really liked McCain, they can not stand the thought of Obama. So the only real solution would be to have some kind of place marker in the Oval Office, like “Be back in 4 years, thank you for your patience.”
Obama has tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan since he took the oath of office. Obviously, that makes him a weakling in the eyes of the world. It also makes him three times stronger than the Bush-Cheney administration. Now he’s guilty of the high crime and treasonous charge of Directing Troops while Democrat.
+++++++++++++
The best place in domestic US for wind farming is an almost barren square of land in south east Wyoming. It’s about 100 miles north of Denver. Cheap land, lots of wind and no neighbors. That’s a score waiting to happen.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
One reason that there’s such a hangup about electric cars is that you can’t recharge a car in five minutes. Yes, that’s a problem, but there’s several ways around it. My thoughts are that you could develop many small batteries that burn out one by one. That way, you go to the recharge station and you exchange your burnt out batteries with full ones. If you start with 100 cells, and burn out 20, you wouldn’t have to replace all 100, you could remove the burnt ones or just some of the burned ones if you don’t have enough money. You’d need interchangeable batteries and some readout on each to show that it’s live rather than burned. We’d need government regulation and corporate leadership, so you know my idea will never work.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
With a degree of trepidation, I volunteered to clean out the refrigerator at work. I sent an email to the department to confront any future complaints. I veered off course at times. Example:
Complaint: You should have saved my nice Tupperware.
Response: Throughout human history, there is a long and heartbreaking littany of senseless destruction. When Alexander burned the sacred Pharsi city of Sousa in 330 BC, countless, irreplaceable treasures were lost. When the Goths sacked Rome in 409 AD, again, valuable historic artifacts were obliterated. And, in 1532, Spanish conquistadors melted down the gold artwork of the entire Incan civilization. Your Tupperware, I am sad to say, is but an unfortunate addition to this tragic list.
This is actually the short version of the story I was prepared to give. I was going to include a diatribe that depicted their non-biodegradable molded HDPE container as a relic that shall outlive even the great technological culture that spawned it. One million years from now, it will still not only survive, but also contain the remnants of your long forgotten lunch within its confines. By then, the lunch has mutated into a lethal strain of flesh eating germs. Suddenly unleashed, they digest all multi-cellular life on Earth. A billion years later, a new sentient race evolves and traces its ancestral roots back to your Tupperware. The vessel is then held aloft as the sacred Cradle of Life. Know now, dear Tupperware holder, that you personally may be long forgotten and gone, but take great comfort in knowing that your prized possession will sit in a vaunted seat of prominence atop the highest of pillars in the heart of a sparkling (albeit non-human) city, with a golden statue of your smudged fingerprint. This is the ultimate triumph that only through today’s hellacious sacrifice could be made possible.
But I didn’t channel my inner Kurt Vonnegut or Douglas Adams, and I sent a relatively more benign missive. I did get one compliment, a note that her husband was also a history buff. But I also got a whole lot of “What the hell?”
So how sucky does one’s job have to be where the highlight of my day is that I cleaned out the departmental refrigerator? Yah, about this sucky.
At least I got thanks from one or two people instead of pure hatred from everyone as when I cleaned up at my job in 2001. If you ever have a surreal nightmare about the worst place you have worked, it wouldn’t match the freakish actuality that is Kentucky State University accounting department.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So I’m down to the last few hours of the second season of “24” and I’ll be gosh darned if the bad guy didn’t just kill his female second in command. They introduced her and killed her in the same episode. The evil guy says “I’ve got to go. Come here and give me a hug.” Then he knifes her. Career advice – if you work for a boss that tried to nuke Los Angeles, be suspicious of a warm and fuzzy hug, especially a hug that lasts five minutes.
My Father said that it was one of the worst movies that he’d ever seen. The reviews at the time seemed to be favorable, though. Maybe Dad doesn’t appreciate the fine art of action movies.
No, it was pretty horrible. And it wasn’t just the subtitles. It was largely predictable and clichéd. Some reviewers felt that the movie had some kind of depth because the antagonist mythical figure kept telling Hellboy that the humans think that Hellboy is a freak. That theme was done in the Batman and Spiderman series – and better. Hellboy’s treatment is weak and formulaic at best.
The Golden Army was supposed to be “seven times seventy soldiers”. When they showed the whole army, it was thousands strong. Yah, I know they’re just CGI anyway, but can’t a computer count to 490?
+++++++++++++
I’m still impressed with Neil Gaiman’s graphic novel series Sandman. The 8th book reminded me of 1001 Arabian Nights, because it was full of tale-within-a-tale-within-a-tale stuff. When you’re into it about 4 levels deep, you’re like “Who is telling this story now?” But just go with it, and eventually you come outside somewhere.
I’m also quite impressed that the series never settles down into a formula. It’s constantly surprising me. Sometimes it focuses on the Sandman himself, but most of the time, he is only a tangential player in the series that bears his name. There is almost never a protagonist who fights an antagonist, so the story path is never predictable.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Even though few if any real conservatives really liked McCain, they can not stand the thought of Obama. So the only real solution would be to have some kind of place marker in the Oval Office, like “Be back in 4 years, thank you for your patience.”
Obama has tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan since he took the oath of office. Obviously, that makes him a weakling in the eyes of the world. It also makes him three times stronger than the Bush-Cheney administration. Now he’s guilty of the high crime and treasonous charge of Directing Troops while Democrat.
+++++++++++++
The best place in domestic US for wind farming is an almost barren square of land in south east Wyoming. It’s about 100 miles north of Denver. Cheap land, lots of wind and no neighbors. That’s a score waiting to happen.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
One reason that there’s such a hangup about electric cars is that you can’t recharge a car in five minutes. Yes, that’s a problem, but there’s several ways around it. My thoughts are that you could develop many small batteries that burn out one by one. That way, you go to the recharge station and you exchange your burnt out batteries with full ones. If you start with 100 cells, and burn out 20, you wouldn’t have to replace all 100, you could remove the burnt ones or just some of the burned ones if you don’t have enough money. You’d need interchangeable batteries and some readout on each to show that it’s live rather than burned. We’d need government regulation and corporate leadership, so you know my idea will never work.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
With a degree of trepidation, I volunteered to clean out the refrigerator at work. I sent an email to the department to confront any future complaints. I veered off course at times. Example:
Complaint: You should have saved my nice Tupperware.
Response: Throughout human history, there is a long and heartbreaking littany of senseless destruction. When Alexander burned the sacred Pharsi city of Sousa in 330 BC, countless, irreplaceable treasures were lost. When the Goths sacked Rome in 409 AD, again, valuable historic artifacts were obliterated. And, in 1532, Spanish conquistadors melted down the gold artwork of the entire Incan civilization. Your Tupperware, I am sad to say, is but an unfortunate addition to this tragic list.
This is actually the short version of the story I was prepared to give. I was going to include a diatribe that depicted their non-biodegradable molded HDPE container as a relic that shall outlive even the great technological culture that spawned it. One million years from now, it will still not only survive, but also contain the remnants of your long forgotten lunch within its confines. By then, the lunch has mutated into a lethal strain of flesh eating germs. Suddenly unleashed, they digest all multi-cellular life on Earth. A billion years later, a new sentient race evolves and traces its ancestral roots back to your Tupperware. The vessel is then held aloft as the sacred Cradle of Life. Know now, dear Tupperware holder, that you personally may be long forgotten and gone, but take great comfort in knowing that your prized possession will sit in a vaunted seat of prominence atop the highest of pillars in the heart of a sparkling (albeit non-human) city, with a golden statue of your smudged fingerprint. This is the ultimate triumph that only through today’s hellacious sacrifice could be made possible.
But I didn’t channel my inner Kurt Vonnegut or Douglas Adams, and I sent a relatively more benign missive. I did get one compliment, a note that her husband was also a history buff. But I also got a whole lot of “What the hell?”
So how sucky does one’s job have to be where the highlight of my day is that I cleaned out the departmental refrigerator? Yah, about this sucky.
At least I got thanks from one or two people instead of pure hatred from everyone as when I cleaned up at my job in 2001. If you ever have a surreal nightmare about the worst place you have worked, it wouldn’t match the freakish actuality that is Kentucky State University accounting department.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So I’m down to the last few hours of the second season of “24” and I’ll be gosh darned if the bad guy didn’t just kill his female second in command. They introduced her and killed her in the same episode. The evil guy says “I’ve got to go. Come here and give me a hug.” Then he knifes her. Career advice – if you work for a boss that tried to nuke Los Angeles, be suspicious of a warm and fuzzy hug, especially a hug that lasts five minutes.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Kroger
So I’m a little pissed at the Kroger Company. First, they don’t offer enough in the way of fat free food selection, and especially cheese and chips. The little they do offer is between 50 and 100% more expensive than the fattening fare, and is excluded from the sale when that product goes on sale. I’ve written to Kroger about it, and they said they would contact the marketing people in Louisville, who will probably pull in a focus group made of ignorant, slovenly hicks who will tell them that they won’t touch anything without the full caloric artery clogging goodness because they would be missing out on vital aspects of their culinary experience of individually wrapped slices of processed cheese-like substance.
But what really got my goat today was the Kroger brand *100% Natural Cereal* that I’ve been eating. I checked the contents, and it has 2g of trans fats per serving. How is hydrogenated soybean oil *natural*? Things are not *natural* merely because the components were collected somewhere on the planet Earth.
Kroger's response? It must be natural or we wouldn't call it that.
But what really got my goat today was the Kroger brand *100% Natural Cereal* that I’ve been eating. I checked the contents, and it has 2g of trans fats per serving. How is hydrogenated soybean oil *natural*? Things are not *natural* merely because the components were collected somewhere on the planet Earth.
Kroger's response? It must be natural or we wouldn't call it that.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Thinker 2: The Electric Boogaloo
Barack Obama: Conservative hero
. .....
Obama tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan, cut taxes, supported new nuclear reactors, signed an executive order that upholds the restriction on federal funds for abortions and now is opening up the eastern seaboard to oil companies. So why all the partisan bickering? Because it’s fun to superimpose his face over the Joker’s, that’s why! Ha ha! Hilarious!
If I were a staunch liberal, I’d superimpose Obama’s face on Two-Face about now.
If McCain had won, would the fringe left wing be photoshopping his face over Ziggy?
How not to be leered at like a plate of spaghetti
I don’t drink alcohol or eat candy or desserts when I am in training. “I’m in training” is the manly way to turn down a drink or a piece of chocolate cake, by the way. “I’m on a diet” makes all the guys around you look at you as if you’re wearing a frilly pink taffeta dress – and not in the same way that they would look at a woman wearing a frilly, pink dress, either.
Anyway, I’m restricted to getting my calories from a limited number of healthy food items. I have a hard time not overeating those things, though. I love a big pot of whole grain pasta. I gulp that stuff down by the pound. If I were in Jamaica, I’d be a pastafarian. If I were a nut, I’d be a pasta-chio. If I were a terminator, I’d say “Pasta la vista, baby!” Ok, that’s it with the puns. They’re past-a their prime (sorry!).
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GOP: Proactive, not active!
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Mitch McConnell announced this morning that the Senate Republicans were unanimously in opposition to Obama’s Supreme Court nominee, calling the pick “An irresponsible choice. Mr. Obama has decided to select an activist judge who will rule on ideological grounds rather than respect the rule of law.” Tom Coburn stated that he felt that the nominee was clearly unqualified. Conservatives on the judicial committee also remarked that “Mr. Obama’s pick clearly does not understand or value Supreme Court precedent and previous federal court rulings, except in cases where overturning a hundred years or so of them will benefit the Republican party.” Mr. Obama responded to the critiques with “What nominee? I’m not picking anyone until next week at least.”
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The bitter end
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One upshot of the new health care regs is that women can’t be charged more than men. The rationale is that being a woman is not a choice, so it is a form of discrimination. So if we only priced insurance based on preventable factors, we wouldn’t set rates based on age, since no one can stop time. We’d base the rates on body mass index (BMI), alcohol consumption, blood pressure and other health related metrics. I’m cool with that, but millions of people who assure me that they are just “big boned” may find that system to be discriminatory, too.
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I find it discriminatory that I (as a fit male) have to pay for fat, smoking women, though I use the service so much less frequently. Just for that, I plan to die a long, slow debilitating death that consumes huge resources to keep me going for decades. Picture me angrily waving my cane from my hospital bed when I’m 110 years old and strung up with more tubes and wires than a marionette. I shall rage, rage against the dying of the light! I will NOT go gently into that good night, Sonny Boy!
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Sarah Palin, gift from God to snark writers everywhere
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It just occurred to me that I could write a blog exclusively about Sarah Palin and never ever run low on material. To paraphrase Dave Barry, wouldn’t “Sarah Palin & the Wingnuts” be a great name for a 70’s tribute band? 1770’s, that is.
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Palin’s new gaffe is that her Fox News show is trying to prove that Tea Party kooks aren’t racist. They showed clips of upcoming interviews and (gasp) – LL Cool J? Turns out that LL gave the interview with someone else in 2008, and Fox is (another gasp) playing fast & loose with the truth.
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Ok, I shouldn’t blame Palin on this one. It was a decision of the network suits. When LL called them on this stunt (and did they think that he wouldn’t?), they said “We are cutting his interview from the special and wish him the best with his fledgling acting career." Oh snap! You got dissed, bro!
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Since LL has been acting longer than Fox News has existed, I wanted him to return the best of wishes for Fox’s fledgling news channel, but he instead said some cliché thing about how only you can bring peace to yourself.
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Heroes Season 3: A Kinder and Gentler Super Psycho Villain
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I’m watching Heroes for the third season, and I’m usually pretty good at following things through turn-on-a-dime-bizarre-plot-twists, but they’re losing me. They’re jumping around it time and space trying to save the world somehow from some unknown threat. The 4-years-in-the-future people are clearly not operating on the same rule system as the present-day people. The goody-two-shoes cheerleader is now a cold blooded assassin. On the other hand, ex-evil-Sylar, who was the penultimate killing machine in Season 1 is now a laid back, sweater-wearing, doting father. I hope he used his telekinetic ability to change diapers. I certainly would have.
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I know what they really need to do: Introduce another eight or ten characters with new wacky powers. Yeah, that would really clear things up.
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And in an alternate Universe, “Garfield” is funny once in a while
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Someplace, in an alternate reality, Auguste Rodin creates a sculpture of a seated man with a knitted brow in 1880. But in this reality, the man is on the latrine and the sculpture is titled “The Stinker”. World history is largely the same there, aside from that they have world peace, a cure for most cancers and cheap, clean energy.
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When two similar things happen it always heralds a new trend
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They’re doing big budget remakes of Tron and Clash of the Titans. So what early 80s dud will be remade next, I wonder? I’m going to cash in my 401K to buy the rights to the Police Academy series. No, wait, Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo. They’re ripe. I can feel it.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I’m proud of being an American. I’m proud of our freedoms, our wealth, our historical achievements and our global leadership and the whole star-spangled thing. But then there’s American cheese. Individually wrapped slices of orange colored crap. We invent the internet but we put our national brand on a Velveeta knock-off? We concoct square Cheez-Wiz and make it “ours”?
Even the Aussies weren’t stupid enough to risk the name of their country on a sh!tty vegemite sandwich.
Baloney: Pasty, tasteless and pedestrian, these aren’t anything more than oversized, raw hot dogs.
Don’t even get me started on Wonder Bread. Just don’t.
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Conan O’Brian got $45 million just to quit. I think he’s a nice guy, but he was also a mid-level talent who didn’t pull in the ratings. John Calipari, the new UK b-ball coach is getting flak over an $8 million per year package, and he turned us from missing the NCAA playoffs to getting ranked top 3 in the nation.
How many people see talk show hosts and think “Gee, that’s hard. I could never do that job.” I know it’s more difficult than it looks, but Vanna White says turning those letters is hard, too.
Some fans always think that they could coach a highly competitive team. But when you get down to it, they really just want to call the plays during the game. The closest that these wanna-bes have ever come to a real sports practice is when they trained for the competitive speed eating by chowing down 5 baloney and cheese sandwiches in two minutes.
O’Brian’s severance is outrageous on the level of banker’s bonuses. If you asked anyone in 2007, they would say “Ha-ha! I’d love the money, but if I were a bank CEO, I’d wreck the company and tank the economy! Ha-ha! They’d never pay me a bonus!”
Even the Aussies weren’t stupid enough to risk the name of their country on a sh!tty vegemite sandwich.
Baloney: Pasty, tasteless and pedestrian, these aren’t anything more than oversized, raw hot dogs.
Don’t even get me started on Wonder Bread. Just don’t.
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Conan O’Brian got $45 million just to quit. I think he’s a nice guy, but he was also a mid-level talent who didn’t pull in the ratings. John Calipari, the new UK b-ball coach is getting flak over an $8 million per year package, and he turned us from missing the NCAA playoffs to getting ranked top 3 in the nation.
How many people see talk show hosts and think “Gee, that’s hard. I could never do that job.” I know it’s more difficult than it looks, but Vanna White says turning those letters is hard, too.
Some fans always think that they could coach a highly competitive team. But when you get down to it, they really just want to call the plays during the game. The closest that these wanna-bes have ever come to a real sports practice is when they trained for the competitive speed eating by chowing down 5 baloney and cheese sandwiches in two minutes.
O’Brian’s severance is outrageous on the level of banker’s bonuses. If you asked anyone in 2007, they would say “Ha-ha! I’d love the money, but if I were a bank CEO, I’d wreck the company and tank the economy! Ha-ha! They’d never pay me a bonus!”
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