Frosty the Snowman is a zombie. His body has life, but no way does that stupid hat have the ability to impart a soul to that body. He’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. That magician is miscast as being mean spirited, when in fact he was a holy man who could not allow this sacrilege to continue. His hat was cursed with black magic. When it fell into innocent hands, he selflessly tried to get it back for the good of those kids. The kids unknowingly worshipped a false idol who seduced the young into a life of hedonism. Blasphemy! Sin! Heresy! Frosty must die. It’s the work of the devil.
Did you ever wonder why Santa Claus always wears red? He’s a Communist.
I’ve always had it in for Rudolph, too. At first I thought it was disingenuous of all the other reindeer to suddenly do an about face the moment that Santa declared Rudy the king shit of all reindeer. But that turn seems to be the most plausible thing in the whole story. A fog over the whole world? Even in the desert? In all his years, in all his many travels, he never flew in fog before? How could Rudolph’s tiny, faintly glowing nose provide a high-wattage searchlight function? Please.
I saw two commercials this Christmas for the Ch-ch-chia Pet. Yes, now they have Chia Garfield and Chia Scooby Doo. Does the Chia-‘fro make these two iconic cartoon characters look cool in any way? Oh no, it does not. It looks pretty much what you’d expect Garf and Scooby to look like if they put on a cheap Afro wig. But really, these two have no respect to lose.
For the record, the only one that ever made me say “Now that’s a clever idea” was the Chia Jerry Garcia.
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Does anybody really think that the Christmas tradition of “White Elephant” is really amusing? Oh, you do? Well, punch yourself in the face so I don’t have to. No one has ever received anything that they remotely wanted or needed. In an amazing feat of money sucking logic, the sum total of all gifts received is lower than the total cost of each gift given. Yes, 2 + 2 = 1! Christmas magic right in front of your eyes. Still like “White Elephant”? Punch yourself harder this time.
This year I will contribute a jar of paint remover, Hostess snacks, and a Hawaiian lei with the caption “A stripper, a couple ho’s and a cheap lei. What’s not to like?” You’d think that I’d be looked on as an unprofessional asshole. Yes, but that’s just because I’m a guy. The women routinely give shitty gifts worse than that and get away with it.
Chias are one of those awful gifts that you just get someone if you really hate the person you pulled in your Secret Santa and don’t want to get your hands dirty preparing a bag of flaming poo.
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