Many people think Garfield is "loveable". I decided to model my behavior after him. I'll be sullen, lazy and openly contemptuous. My wildly undeserved ego will win me many friends at work. Being disrespectful and rude will open up my social prospects tremendously. I'll totally rock the "loveable" thing. Totally.
Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.
********
That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.
So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.
*********
Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".
If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.
There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.
Monday, September 27, 2010
New Vampire Flick Script
I just wrote a script for a teen vampire flick, because no one ever thought of that before. I call it "Equinox", not to be confused with any other vampire flick named for astrological insignifica.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Kudos and boos to Republicans - but mostly boos.
Kudos to Reps for rightly tasking one of their own. Michael Steele demeaned the war effort in Afghanistan clearly because his nemesis supports it. Congressional conservatives have been whacking him as hard as they would if Steele had been a Dem. True, most of them are looking for a reason to fire Steele. But, y'know, that's like,... politics.
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
Reviews: Book that you will never read and music you will never listen to
I listened to Kate Bush's CD "Aerial", in which she sings passionately about her washing machine and also sings the number Pi out to 112 decimal places. Take that, Weird Al Yankovic! Kate Bush is impervious to your sophmoric parodies. Ha!
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
ONE fanatic backs down - and I stand amazed.
Reverend Jones in Florida wanted to burn a stack of Korans (he kept spelling them with a "Qu" just to confuse the issue). He DIDN'T because the Muslim Imam asked "What would Jesus do?"
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
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