LAMESAURUS

I’m the Lameasaurus, my lyrics they bore us
My fans they ignore us, cuz I drive a Ford Taurus
They cringe at my chorus and hold applause for us.

I’m the wonder bread rapper, rhymes from the crapper
I don’t dress as dapper as a candy bar wrapper
Wife called me “napper”, I hadda go slap ‘er.

Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.

I get busy, work up a tizzy, drinkin’ a fizzy
The bros call me “Sissy”, “Prissy” and even a “Missy”
They throw a hissy, they diss me but their disses all miss me

Cuz I come on long and strong even when I’m wrong
Eventually, I’ll be free to be me – a money guarantee
I’m da bomb, I rhyme with aplomb, from here to Vietnam

Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!

I’m feelin’ neglected, dejected, and always corrected
In effect, I collect disrespect, I wrecked my chance to connect
I expect, left unchecked, I’ll misdirect efforts to perfect

My troubles are mounting, I’m stuck in accounting
I sit at a computer, I’m a daily commuter
My job sorta sucks, but it pays a few bucks and I’m not driving trucks

Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Go
(crowd) Away!!
(Lame-a-saurus) Oh.

I must admit, I’m rhyming like sh!t,
with so little wit that I need an affidavit
To prove I can move to the groove,
and it would behoove you to remove
the plugs from your ear, I fear
they’ll interfere to hear my world première

(crowd) Please just go away!
(crowd) Go!
(crowd) Away!
(crowd) Go!
(crowd) Away!

I foresee no MTV for me. Yo.

White Elephant: The real war on Christmas

Frosty the Snowman is a zombie. His body has life, but no way does that stupid hat have the ability to impart a soul to that body. He’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. That magician is miscast as being mean spirited, when in fact he was a holy man who could not allow this sacrilege to continue. His hat was cursed with black magic. When it fell into innocent hands, he selflessly tried to get it back for the good of those kids. The kids unknowingly worshipped a false idol who seduced the young into a life of hedonism. Blasphemy! Sin! Heresy! Frosty must die. It’s the work of the devil.

Did you ever wonder why Santa Claus always wears red? He’s a Communist.

I’ve always had it in for Rudolph, too. At first I thought it was disingenuous of all the other reindeer to suddenly do an about face the moment that Santa declared Rudy the king shit of all reindeer. But that turn seems to be the most plausible thing in the whole story. A fog over the whole world? Even in the desert? In all his years, in all his many travels, he never flew in fog before? How could Rudolph’s tiny, faintly glowing nose provide a high-wattage searchlight function? Please.

I saw two commercials this Christmas for the Ch-ch-chia Pet. Yes, now they have Chia Garfield and Chia Scooby Doo. Does the Chia-‘fro make these two iconic cartoon characters look cool in any way? Oh no, it does not. It looks pretty much what you’d expect Garf and Scooby to look like if they put on a cheap Afro wig. But really, these two have no respect to lose.

For the record, the only one that ever made me say “Now that’s a clever idea” was the Chia Jerry Garcia.

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Does anybody really think that the Christmas tradition of “White Elephant” is really amusing? Oh, you do? Well, punch yourself in the face so I don’t have to. No one has ever received anything that they remotely wanted or needed. In an amazing feat of money sucking logic, the sum total of all gifts received is lower than the total cost of each gift given. Yes, 2 + 2 = 1! Christmas magic right in front of your eyes. Still like “White Elephant”? Punch yourself harder this time.

This year I will contribute a jar of paint remover, Hostess snacks, and a Hawaiian lei with the caption “A stripper, a couple ho’s and a cheap lei. What’s not to like?” You’d think that I’d be looked on as an unprofessional asshole. Yes, but that’s just because I’m a guy. The women routinely give shitty gifts worse than that and get away with it.

Chias are one of those awful gifts that you just get someone if you really hate the person you pulled in your Secret Santa and don’t want to get your hands dirty preparing a bag of flaming poo.

Snowflake Apocalypse

Have you heard in breathless terms, the forecasted complete and utter collapse of Western civilization due to the impending 1-2 inches of snow we may receive within the next few days? Winter weather warning/watch/whatever. This cataclysm will force us all to chop the furniture for firewood and to gnaw on nail clippings for nutrients. Since this calamity will surely destroy all life on Earth, consider this my last entry for a while. We must wait until some protoplasm again evolves from the remaining primordial ooze and evolves into Al Gore, to re-invent the internet connections. To hasten things along, I recommend we just skip over the dinosaurs and that odd branch that ultimately developed into troglodytes like Jerry Falwell and James Dobson. Anyway, heed the weatherman’s warnings, the end is nigh.

I’ve heard these same weather reports for the past 10-15 years now. One or two inches of snow signifies a disaster on a level that no snow plow can defeat. When I was a youth, men were real men, women were real women, red meat and butter were good for you and the drugs and alcohol flowed freely. Yee-haw! But now, we must prepare for the end of Western Civilization as we know it, and get ready for a Road Warrior-esque future, where we live like savages but somehow drive ridiculously large and garish automobiles. I’ll work on getting my minivan all pimped out. I’ll remove the panel siding and put on huge, unnecessary furry raccoon tails. I’ll put in chrome pipes that don’t lead anywhere, too. Of course I’ll freeze my ass off, because this is Kentucky in the winter and not the desert outback of Australia. Or perhaps it will more of a future like Kevin Costner’s disastrous vehicle “The Postman”, where we all live in fear of a gang that talks a good game but can’t defeat a bunch of adolescents who have decided to fight back the only way they know how: BY DELIVERING THE MAIL!!!

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Weather Service downgraded the apocalyptic storm headed our way today to an "advisory" instead of "warning". Whew! Western Civilization has dodged a bullet and lives for another day.

I'm disappointed. I was just signing up members of my gang that will fight for control this arctic wasteland. I didn't want to be the leader, because if some unkillable Mad Max hero type shows up, then I'd die in a violent episode. I'd rather be a lieutenant taking scouting reports to see if we want to team up with another gang or should we just raid them for food and women. If we team up, would it be a partnership, a joint venture, a merger or an acquisition? I'd be Director of Synergy Facilitation. I'd earn my gang moniker when we need people to just shovel snow. I'd be "The Plow". No?

Anyway, crisis averted. Armageddeon must wait. If it does happen soon and you want in to my gang, let me know via carrier pigeon or smoke signal. Using the drum to say "Hey dude, let me in to your gang" sounds too much like Led Zepplin's "Rock & Roll".

America: Where every little boy wants to grow up to be something other than President

Palin told Mary Hart in an interview that she'd run for President "if there's no one else to do it."
Anyone want to be President? Anyone?..... Helloooo.... Who's gonna do this thing? Oh all right. I guess I'll do it. If I have to. Geez.

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There was a commercial for some texting service a few years ago. There were these guys texting at a business seminar. Some guy was lecturing about “thinking outside the box” and he had a diagram on the whiteboard. “This is the box. We need to think here – outside of this box.” Then he went through some dynamic charade about “pushing the envelope”. The guys are texting how banal it was and where do you want to go for lunch. The kicker at the end was when the guy made a triangle out of his fingers and talked about “changing the paradigm”, except he pronounced it phonetically as “para-dig-em”. I never wanted to text so badly in my whole life.

I’m not a real fan of IM or texting. I’ve subscribed to a brand new e-service that’s similar. It’s just like instant messaging, except that you don’t have to type, you just speak and the other person doesn’t have to read, they can actually hear your voice in real time and respond. It’s really quite neat. I have a hand held device so I don’t even have to be at a computer to use it. Do you have that yet? When you get your e-voice communicator, contact my e-voice communicator. Alexander Graham Bell is so cutting edge.

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After campaigning as the “firewall” against the Democratics, the Republicans are trying to re-establish the “permanent Republican majority.” Yeah, one party rule seemed to work so well for the former Soviet Union. Small government is working so great in Haiti that the Reps want to do the same thing here. Gun control is non-existent in Somalia. Mixing religion and politics made Taliban controlled Afghanistan such a world player that the Republicans couldn’t help but envy their success. There are 300 million people in America. Half of them are below average. We call them “Republicans”. Need I go on?

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I have to take continuing professional education. I thought the ethics book and test would be a quick hit-it-and-quit-it, but the book is 245 pages. I think that since my wife has to take ethics courses for her law license, and she reads like a rocket; she could read the book and take the test for me. It may be unethical, but I wouldn’t know since I didn’t read the book yet.

Hand me a cup of coffee, I’m turning into Wally from Dilbert.

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Senator Coburn of Oklahoma is a leader in the fight to overturn the health care reform. At one of his town halls last year some woman was in tears because her husband’s insurance wouldn’t pay for needed therapy. Coburn said that she could contact his office individually, and that her neighbors should help her out. And he got applause. Coburn said that solutions don’t come from the government. Apparently not. They come from special favors and begging from your neighbors.

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I’m flabbergasted that someone like Ann Coulter can have a career doing anything more complicated than to sit behind a cash register making rude comments to non-Anglos. Who really takes her analysis seriously? Schadenfreude defined: When Ann Coulter is 60 and is just a mean old witch with 12 face lifts, I’m going to laugh and laugh and laugh.

Discredit where discredit is due

The US Chamber of Commerce has been sponsoring a bunch of anti-Obama ads. Obama has been publicly accusing the Chamber of being sponsored by foreign corporations. The fact checking people found that a small part of the Chamber's funding does come from multinational and foreign countries with business inside the US. The Chamber says that they keep the foreign money separate from domestic somehow. But money is fungible, and merely keeping separate pools of funds only means that you add to one pool to free up money for another pool. But that's all academic, since the Chamber of Commerce doesn't have to disclose any of its finances. So there's no proof.

So the fact checking people asked the White House spokesman how he could make the charge that foreign companies are intervening in US politics, given that there is no proof. He said "Do you have any proof that they AREN'T?"

What kind of BS response is that? I will not pull my punches because he's not a Republican. No one is supposed to make a baseless accusation, and then back it up with more groundless fear-mongering. We endured eight years of a whole different set of morons in the White House and an election season that lasted two and a half years in order to get the same kind of arrogant BS?

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The women in the office were discussing "Sex In The City 2". I never watched the first movie and only 2 minutes of the show - enough to know it was biased against my demographic. It was derogatory to men in the exact same way that gets women all riled up when a show demeans them. But women think that the rules of objectification don't apply to them. Anyway, the only man in that show that gets a place at the table is "Mr. Big". He's a handsome, rich executive who is also apparently well endowed. And even then, he's disrespected routinely by Sarah Jessica Parker (who only women think is hot).

Yet, I was the only one in the office who knew that his real name is "John".

On that note, though, I also am aware that the Skipper's real name is Jonas Barnaby, the Professor's was Roy Hinkley, and Gilligan's first name was Willy.

Wilma Slaghoople became Wilma Flintstone. Betty Rubble was born Betty Jean McBricker. But I did research on those.

Gripes - made with REAL wrath!

I've been seeing bold statements on soft drinks "Made with REAL sugar!" SoBe and Mountain Dew, for instance. Mountain Doo even went retro with the label to go back to before they used corn syrup. Except the old one didn't boast the sugar content like it was some kind of healthy additive.

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I saw "Drag Me To Hell", directed by Sam Rami. This was not the upscale Sam Rami that did the Spiderman franchise. This was the Sam Rami that did Evil Dead 2 and 3. These two Sam Ramis inhabit the same body, but the difference in the type of movies that they make aren't even in the same universe. The plot starts when a female loan officer doesn't give a 3rd extension on a mortgage to a gypsy woman. Wait, gypsies have mortgages? Anyway, the old gypsy cursed this chick, and she goes through trials and tribulations to avoid getting dragged to hell. But she was just doing her job - and apparently the gypsy didn't lose the house anyway, because her family was still there throughout the movie. The gypsy woman herself died, but that didn't stop the bank chick from having to fight her vomiting corpse like 5 times.

The cursed girl's boyfriend was played by the guy who is the "Mac" in the "Mac vs PC" commercials. His obvious lack of acting ability doesn't shine through as loudly in a 30 second spot when he's portraying an inanimate object's imagined personna. But cast him as a human being and he flops.

And in the end, she gets dragged to hell anyway.

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I can't believe that my wife got "Pineapple Express" from Netflix. Two guys talk all stoned for an hour & 45 and it culminates with a gunfight, and explosion and "I love you, man!" Not surprisingly, she fell asleep halfway through.

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I saw "The Incredible Hulk" part 2, but it didn't say "part 2". It was the one with Ed Norton. The movie was entirely predictable until the end, when in walks - - - Iron Man! Well, not Iron Man, but Tony Stark. Actually, it was Robert Downey, Jr.. Essentially, I read it as an admission that Marvel can not continue to carry a movie franchise based solely on "Hulk smash!" So watch for a superhero cross-contamination coming to a theatre near you. Maybe they'll throw in Captain America, Thor, a few X-men and that "Shazam" guy, too.

Running and Republican rants

I have to regale you with how awesome I am. I did a test run around my neighborhood to see how I would fare in the upcoming 5K. I'm not rested enough to be in "race shape", nor have I really been practicing my speed as much as I should. But, I broke my record. A long time ago, I did my neighborhood loop in 21:12. I don't know exactly when, and it has made me think that perhaps this time was a more of a myth or a misrecollection than the truth. No matter, because now my record stands at 20:52. At the 5K mark, I was also ahead of my PR, set last August. So I'm awesome, no?

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A while ago, conservative columnist Cal Thomas compared the circuit court's overturning of the imfamous California Proposition 8 against gay marriage to Julius Ceasar's poer to give a thumbs up or down to gladiators at the "Coliseum". There is a Coliseum in modern Los Angeles, but in Rome, there is a "Collusseum". Julius Ceasar was also killed in 44 BC. The Collusseum was built in 70 AD. Why should Cal let facts get in the way of a hackneyed analogy?

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So Elana Kagan is now doing her job on the Supreme Court, and yet the entire country is not being overrun by hippie peaceniks, Communists or Islamic terrorists. She got confirmed despite the best efforts of the Republicans and their trash talk. Their angle was to take it as a given that her mentor Thorgood Marshall was a menace to America. That only works in those elite, exclusive Republican smoking chambers. To everyone else, Marshall was an American historical figure who died with a sterling reputation 17 years ago. For their next trick, Republicans should try tarnishing that Paul Revere a$$hole for waking up half the city one night.

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Speaking of noise, you know those guys with the huge woofers in their cars and booming bass that you can feel in your chest a mile and a half down the road? I always shut off my own music when they come because theirs is so much better. Yesterday I drove 20 minutes out of my way to keep up with this dude because I got hooked on the kickin' beat. Thank you, oh thank you Mr. Boom-boom, for sharing your sweet music with me and the world!