Discredit where discredit is due

The US Chamber of Commerce has been sponsoring a bunch of anti-Obama ads. Obama has been publicly accusing the Chamber of being sponsored by foreign corporations. The fact checking people found that a small part of the Chamber's funding does come from multinational and foreign countries with business inside the US. The Chamber says that they keep the foreign money separate from domestic somehow. But money is fungible, and merely keeping separate pools of funds only means that you add to one pool to free up money for another pool. But that's all academic, since the Chamber of Commerce doesn't have to disclose any of its finances. So there's no proof.

So the fact checking people asked the White House spokesman how he could make the charge that foreign companies are intervening in US politics, given that there is no proof. He said "Do you have any proof that they AREN'T?"

What kind of BS response is that? I will not pull my punches because he's not a Republican. No one is supposed to make a baseless accusation, and then back it up with more groundless fear-mongering. We endured eight years of a whole different set of morons in the White House and an election season that lasted two and a half years in order to get the same kind of arrogant BS?

*********************

The women in the office were discussing "Sex In The City 2". I never watched the first movie and only 2 minutes of the show - enough to know it was biased against my demographic. It was derogatory to men in the exact same way that gets women all riled up when a show demeans them. But women think that the rules of objectification don't apply to them. Anyway, the only man in that show that gets a place at the table is "Mr. Big". He's a handsome, rich executive who is also apparently well endowed. And even then, he's disrespected routinely by Sarah Jessica Parker (who only women think is hot).

Yet, I was the only one in the office who knew that his real name is "John".

On that note, though, I also am aware that the Skipper's real name is Jonas Barnaby, the Professor's was Roy Hinkley, and Gilligan's first name was Willy.

Wilma Slaghoople became Wilma Flintstone. Betty Rubble was born Betty Jean McBricker. But I did research on those.

Gripes - made with REAL wrath!

I've been seeing bold statements on soft drinks "Made with REAL sugar!" SoBe and Mountain Dew, for instance. Mountain Doo even went retro with the label to go back to before they used corn syrup. Except the old one didn't boast the sugar content like it was some kind of healthy additive.

********************
I saw "Drag Me To Hell", directed by Sam Rami. This was not the upscale Sam Rami that did the Spiderman franchise. This was the Sam Rami that did Evil Dead 2 and 3. These two Sam Ramis inhabit the same body, but the difference in the type of movies that they make aren't even in the same universe. The plot starts when a female loan officer doesn't give a 3rd extension on a mortgage to a gypsy woman. Wait, gypsies have mortgages? Anyway, the old gypsy cursed this chick, and she goes through trials and tribulations to avoid getting dragged to hell. But she was just doing her job - and apparently the gypsy didn't lose the house anyway, because her family was still there throughout the movie. The gypsy woman herself died, but that didn't stop the bank chick from having to fight her vomiting corpse like 5 times.

The cursed girl's boyfriend was played by the guy who is the "Mac" in the "Mac vs PC" commercials. His obvious lack of acting ability doesn't shine through as loudly in a 30 second spot when he's portraying an inanimate object's imagined personna. But cast him as a human being and he flops.

And in the end, she gets dragged to hell anyway.

************************************
I can't believe that my wife got "Pineapple Express" from Netflix. Two guys talk all stoned for an hour & 45 and it culminates with a gunfight, and explosion and "I love you, man!" Not surprisingly, she fell asleep halfway through.

************************************
I saw "The Incredible Hulk" part 2, but it didn't say "part 2". It was the one with Ed Norton. The movie was entirely predictable until the end, when in walks - - - Iron Man! Well, not Iron Man, but Tony Stark. Actually, it was Robert Downey, Jr.. Essentially, I read it as an admission that Marvel can not continue to carry a movie franchise based solely on "Hulk smash!" So watch for a superhero cross-contamination coming to a theatre near you. Maybe they'll throw in Captain America, Thor, a few X-men and that "Shazam" guy, too.

Taking back America, and Iron Man saves the Gulf of Mexico

Some rock guys at concerts hold the microphone out to the crowd and want you to sing it. That's pretty nervy of them not doing their job. Then they're never satisfied and always demand that you should shout it louder. Then they want you to clap to keep the beat so the drummer can hit the bathroom. Then comes the obligatory song complaining that life on the road is so tough. Those guys should be punched.

******************

I'm going to become a Tea Partier to restore America to its earliest principles. Back before "under God" was unconstitutionally inserted into the Pledge of Allegiance in the 50s. Back before women could vote (sorry, Sarah Palin, there goes your voter base). There should only be 13 states. What is it with these 37 wanna be's? That's not REAL America. And the kids today and their crazy hair! Don't they know the value of a well placed powdered wig? I'm sick of it! I want to take back the country that existed a century and a half before my birth!

*****************

I saw Iron Man 2 last night. Wildly impossible. Tony Stark saves the day because in 1974, his father (now dead) put something weird in a model of a proposed city of the future. Tony interpreted this message to mean "invent a new element". So he does - inside of 48 hours. Bad guy dies. Good thing that Iron Man's key to victory didn't involve something really hard like "invent a cure for the common cold". Because then he'd have been toast.

****************

New superhero: Ironicman!

He flies to the Gulf of Mexico to clean the BP spill. "Oil, oil everywhere, nor any drop to lubricate my joints!" Says he.
From a nearby ship: "You said it, Ironicman!"
"No, seriously, I'm rusting here."
Another voice from the ship: "He came to help, but he's the one who needs saving! How ironic!"
"Goin' down, guys!"
First voice from the ship: "He's a shiny spot in a sea of dull, black sludge! How ironic!"
Second voice: "No, that's merely juxtaposition of apparent opposites."
Ironicman: "Can't move, can't float!"
First voice: "So a black fly in chardonnay isn't irony?"
Second voice: "Not unless you're toasting the successful fumigation of your vinyard."
Ironicman: Blubb blubb...b
First and second voices: "Ha ha! That Ironicman!"

********************************

This Julia Roberts movie "Eat, Pray, Love" seems to get good reviews. The sequel is the tequilla thing "Lick, Chug, Suck". I'd actually be interested in a movie about chicks doing shots of Cuervo for 90 minutes.

No, on second thought, it'd probably turn out like an episode of "Jersey Shore".

New Vampire Flick Script

I just wrote a script for a teen vampire flick, because no one ever thought of that before. I call it "Equinox", not to be confused with any other vampire flick named for astrological insignifica.

Hed: I'm really miserable.

Dumbella: But you're really hot!

Hed: Beauty is fleeting.

Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.

Hed: No! You don't want this!

Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?

Hed: I have a tight family.

Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?

Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.

Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.

Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.

Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?

Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.

Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.

Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.

Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?

Hed: Super powers.

Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?

Hed: It's miserable.

Dumbella: Bite me!

Hed: No.

Dumbella: Why?

Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.

Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?

Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.

Dumbella: I can't win for losing.

Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.

Killers, killer workouts and dead treads.

The first country that gets out of this recession will be the biggest global player for the next generation or two. But who is going to make it happen?

The US has a history of attracting the best and brightest and most ambitious, then coupling these stars with access to almost unlimited resources. That, and some sheer good luck. But if we’re only counting on good luck to pull us out of recession, I wouldn’t bet on us.

I speculate China could be the next #1, but they’re autocratic and opaque. One wrong move by the central government can knock them out of the race in a hurry.

++++++++
Know who pisses me off? Everybody. Yes, that’s true, but right now, the bane of existence as I am writing this passage is goddamned double dippers.

No, not the idiot at a party that can’t suffice himself with the amount of cocktail sauce he picked up on his shrimp with a single dip. I mean working retirees. I’m sick of seeing 50 year old retirees around here. It jus’ ain’t right, I’m sayin’.

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I’ve been listening to The Best of Radiohead. I made the mistake of reading the band’s bio in the liner notes. Every failure “left the band contentious and depressed.” Every success “left the band drained and confused.” So after all the accolades and millions of CDs sold, I’m sure their lives are all miserable wrecks. Sad.

Say what you want about 1980s hair bands, but they obviously enjoyed success. Rappers always look pissed off about something, though.

So after the “Best of”, the next step is a CD of remakes, a breakup, a sh!t compilation CD taken from the clippings lying on the cutting room floor, a pained reunion tour, a CD of remixes and a tribute CD. Next stop: The dreaded bargain bin.

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Psychologically, stopping and starting many times during a race or a workout is bad. Once you stop two or three times, it starts to snowball until you’re going only a few yards. But is it better to run yourself into exhaustion? I never know what to do at those points.

+++++++++
I’m so very excited about the summer blockbusters coming out. “Transformers III: More Stuff to Blow Up”.

+++++++++++
I see people getting argumentative about sports teams. “The Yankees will win!” “No, the Phillies, dammit!” Why doesn’t someone say “I tell ya what. We’ll take these two teams and have them play an actual game of baseball. Whoever wins gets to claim victory, and our argument will be settled.” “Yes, that sounds reasonable.” And 6,000 sports bloggers and radio hosts suddenly poop their pants.

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Question: Why does a man who owns two treadmills have to do a long run outside in the dark in the cold in the rain?

Answer: Yes.

Since I’m now in my 40s, I have tried to get less enraged than I did in my 20s, but you know, some times it just doesn’t work. When my treadmill breaks, so does my temper.

I read an article on treadmill training versus road training. The article blasted treadmill training as inferior in several different ways. I generally compensate for this by running faster. I know that I should set the treadmill at 1% or 1.5% incline to compensate, but I almost never do.

In defense of treadmills: I don’t have a good place to sprint. Most people don’t. Most people won’t, but let’s pretend that they might, if they had access to a track. Training sprints are not race distances anyway. A sprint stretches out your pace and increases your VO2 Max - a treadmill does those well. Also, the amateur to average runner has a hard time in keeping a regular pace. I learned pacing only because I spent a long time on the treadmill. A combination of treadmill and road running will help you gain speed and increase endurance more than either method individually. I do about 65% of my running on a treadmill. I should probably do 65% road work instead. But then, I wouldn’t get to watch movies.

+++++++++++
On movies: I saw Jumper. It suffered from Star Wars syndrome, where no one with a name died. Not the hero, not the girlfriend, not the sidekick. Not even the bad guy. Not that you need a body count for a good movie, but you need some reason why the action stops. Here, they just called it quits.

Like I do with blog posts.

+++++++++++
No Country For Old Men also ended at a random point, but after anyone who would have been able to continue the story was dead. Except the bad guy.

The standout in No Country was a cold blooded killer who never seemed to be in any danger from the police. He killed his boss, so I wonder how he ever expected to get paid. Bad guys easily tracked down anyone they wanted to. The good guys never knew what hit them. What stays with you after watching this movie is the absolute cold bloodedness of the killer guy. He was just plain scary. Screw Michael Meyers or Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees. This guy was cold.

And he's still out there.

Cause and effect: To cure all ailments, wear clothes of various colors.

People in the south tend to say that they couldn’t possibly live in the north because the cold would keep them indoors, and they love the outdoors. Yet, in the heat of the summer, I hear “Oh my gosh it’s so hot out there” when it’s only in the 80s. Make up your minds – or move to California where it’s sunny and 72 year round.

It’s also the same distorted logic that prevents the mountain folk from moving to where there are actually jobs, because they’re of a “proud and independent” heritage. But receiving welfare checks makes you neither proud nor independent. Make up your minds – or move to California where you can pick vegetables.

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Sarah Palin has never spoken on a formal level. Sure, it’s nice to see an official who has a human side, some would say “folksy” – I could do without all the winking, though. But what is she going to do when speaking to congress about something of grave importance? “C’mon, Warshington! Gimme th’ war powers act. Doncha wanna go shoot some Iranians? You betcha! *wink*” Damn, I hate that woman.

Nancy Pelosi makes me cringe every time she shows up on the news, too.

I thought the argument for women in politics was to bring moderation to the discussion and women are supposed to be such great communicators seeking group consensus and all that. What do we get? If I wanted sarcastic one-liners, I'd vote for Tina Fey.

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When a team from the old National Football League wins the Superbowl, that there’s an 80% chance of the stock market rising. But the Colts are now AFC, so does that still pan out? So what does that mean? What does it all mean???

We’re missing cause and effect here. They’ve also found a strong correlation between women’s hem lines and the stock market. So all we have to do is convince those idiots running the Paris fashion show that men really do in fact like to see women in short skirts. The stock market will soar and peace will reign throughout the land.

This brings up the rather uncomfortable fact that those responsible for designing women’s clothes are by and large hetero female or gay male. Neither party presumably knows what appeals to a straight guy football fan, or cares, but then is perplexed by why straight guys aren’t ooh-ing and aah-ing over their clever designs. Instead most football fans mistakenly call them out as the gaudy, ostentatious, unworkable, pretentious, hyper-expensive, ugly, uncomfortable poofery that they are. How gauche!

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I saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was really good. my wife only thought it was “ok”. But on my scale, it succeeded at doing what it set out to do, and it was a moderately challenging task. There were a lot of moments where I was literally on the edge of my seat, with my heart racing – not because of an action sequence, but the drama. I did comment that the title was crappy. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. The original title was “Q&A”, which is a lot more to the point.

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Every time we get severe weather, the news people say “looks like a war zone!” I suggest that we stick these cliché ridden reporters in Iraq or Afghanistan, which is an actual war zone. I’d love to see them cover the aftermath of a suicide bomber with “It looks like the aftermath of a storm in eastern Kentucky!”

Of course if the news people visit Eastern Kentucky even in the best of times, they might declare "It looks like the set of 'Slumdog Millionare!'"

+++++++++++++++++

I’m being encouraged to wear red this Friday to promote women’s heart health. The organizers of this event apparently are unfamiliar with the rationale of cause and effect.

They don’t have men’s heart health day because men never suffer coronary dysfunction. Maybe I should wear purple paisley on Friday and claim that it draws attention to those that suffer from chronic priapism resulting in dangerous sperm buildup, especially afflicting high school and college age men.

I think I'll promote awareness of irritable bowel syndrome by wearing brown.

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More cause and effect: I got a chain email asking me to pray for a cure for cancer. I’m not sure how to do that. Didn’t God create cancer? Can’t I just pray that no one ever gets cancer in the first place? Is telling God what to do sacreligious?

++++++++
What I should try in my running is capture the good moments, like when you feel unstoppable. I’ve felt like that in rare moments in practice and races. A few years ago around mile 11 of a half marathon, I noticed someone in my peripheral vision trying to pass me. I focused on the road ahead, and didn’t give it up. I kept repeating that moment in Lord of the Rings, when Gandalf tells the flaming Balrog: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! The vicious battle lasted a few minutes (me and the runner guy, not Gandalf vs. balrog). I got a little bit ahead, and I finished it off when we came to a tight turn. It was so tight that you’d have to slow down a few steps to make it. Or, what I did, which was to hit the inside corner and pivot. That’s risky, but the gods of distance races were on my side that day. At the end of the LotR scene, Gandalf is slipping off the ledge, about to plummet to the bottomless pit, and says “RUN, YOU FOOLS!”

Gandalf came back to life, but I never saw that other runner guy again.

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I’m watching this History Channel thing on the end of the world and all these scientists are making these brilliant technical analysis followed by silly layman’s bottom line that grossly understates the gravity of the situation. For example, on getting hit with a gamma ray burst from a star less than a hundred light years from here: “The burst will be so intense that your molecules themselves will fly apart… You don’t want to be around for that.”

On the death of the Sun: “It will cook the Earth’s surface and turn the crust back into lava… You’d have a pretty lousy day.”

From that documentary I learned about “The Big Rip”. It’s the opposite of the Big Bang. Ordinary matter will systematically get trashed due to dark energy forces. It’s still just theoretical, but let’s put a date on our calendar almost 50 billion years from now when we will party like it’s 49,999,999,999.

I’d suggest buying some wine for the event and letting it ferment for all that while, but the yeast will probably evolve and become intelligent. Awkward!

So hold off on purchasing party supplies until, like the week before. We may get it at a discount going-out-of-business sale, who knows?

I created a check tracking database in 2002. Want to hear more?

I got Seinfeld seasons 1 & 2 on video from the library. In the pilot, Kramer was identified as “Kessler”. No Elaine yet, either. The first season was only five episodes. They tacked it together with season 2, which was only 13 episodes. The shows were still about nothing, though, so don’t ask for a plot synopsis.

Oh, and the Costanza “opposite” theory goes back to the pilot, although he admits that he never does it himself.

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I saw yet another action/adventure movie where the chief bad guy kills his own 2nd in command. “You’ve failed me! Now you die!” What is it with these evil overlords that they don’t understand job training, development and retention? How do they plan on recruiting if that’s their policy on failure? Well, breaking stuff that you don’t have to pay for is certainly a job perk, I must admit. It would be like joining the Chinese army just to beat up on some Tibetans.

It would be great if it worked out so well in real life. If Bin Laden just up and killed his second in command. “You’ve failed to destroy America! Now you die!” “Aaaarrrgggh!” Then we’d implode whatever cave Osama is living in, because you know he’s got to go out with a ton of special effects. Maybe we’ll see him running with rocks coming down all around, yet he’ll make it out somehow for part 2 and 3. Some secret lab will clone a piece of his charred remains for “Osama 4: A New Beginning!” Then come the action figures, video games and a cross promotion with McDonald’s fries. Very ironic, actually, since Osama is trying to destroy Western capitalism.
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It burns me that digital songs cost about the same as getting a CD from the store. A digital song costs nothing to ship and there are no liner notes, art or lyrics. I don’t begrudge them getting some revenue for their efforts, but I’d like to share in the savings.
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I’ve worked with job recruiters, and they don’t deliver much. When I was job searching a few years back, I sent my resume to the same recruiter six or seven times. Each time, they would interview me. Then I’d call two weeks later, and they would have no record of the whole thing. They kept claiming that all these CPA firms were clamoring for someone with my background, then it was like they were Monty Burns from the Simpsons. “Who is that man, Smithers?” “Homer Simpson, sir, same as every other episode that you have asked.” Anyway, recruiters ask for a list of places that I’ve applied. I tell them some things I saw in the paper. “Oh, we had a line on a job there, but we can’t represent you if you’ve already applied on your own.” Great, so they look in the classified section for me. Wow.

My Monster.com agent keeps emailing me all these crappy jobs every day. Most don’t post how much they pay, but I assume that “retail cashier” can’t possibly support my family. I don’t know what algorithm they used to match an MBA/CPA with 17 years experience with a job commonly held by 16 year olds cracking gum. Maybe they should hire me to fix it.
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The Commonwealth of KY revamped the policy on banned web sites while at work. It doesn’t bother me much. What I do is usually “incidental personal use”. The strange part of the new policy is that it blocks sites about toys, but does NOT block sites about weapons. Not just your average gun site, either. This is defined as:
Weapons: This category deals with firearms and accessories, weapons such as knives, ammunition and tear gas, other lethal weapons and Web sites related to military, defense, militaria and paintball.
So I can’t buy the new Gears of War for Playstation, but I can order real tear gas and automatic weapons.
The policy blocks personal home pages and dating services. But to placate the ACLU, we are not blocked from
Sects - This category contains Web sites about sects, cults, occultism, satanism and religious fundamentalism.
We’re blocked from Facebook, but we can read all about tree-elf-hugging teen hippies on their commercial web sites.
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As I look at the headlines, I see that American slavery from the 18th and 19th centuries was “America’s Original Sin”. Oh. I suppose stealing land from the Indians wouldn’t be a sin then. That’s a relief. Glad to have that off my back.
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I hate job applications. Some places have a pretty automated application process, and you can find a position and apply inside of ten or twenty minutes. The feds have been requiring a bunch of open ended but specific questions for their applications. Some I give them both barrels, because I have the experience. Some I have to flub because I can’t just say “I have no idea what you just asked.” They give you a maximum of 8000 characters to describe your specific experience. I want to take as much advantage of all that space. But I don’t get to tell interesting experiences like that Halloween when I dressed up like Madonna and nearly got beat up by a bunch of dirty biker Mexicans at Mulligan’s Brick Bar. That’s a story worth 8000 characters. That check tracking database that I created in 2002? Eh, not so much.
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I just changed my desktop image to “Java”. You know, that little coffee cup on a saucer with the comforting curl of steam rising from its surface. Ooh, Java, take me away. Let me stretch out my shaking hands to reach for your warmth, your bitter goodness. Oh, I taste your sweet mocha and artificial flavor additives enshrined in brackish liquid and my thirst is slaked. I now call upon thy caffeinated richness to enliven my weary body for another day. When you are by my side, you are my companion, my right hand man in the daily battle waged in my cubicle on keyboard, screen and paper printout. When you are gone, I yearn for your pleasant aroma, and feel your absence. Oh, Java, how I do adore thee!

The Thinker 2: The Electric Boogaloo

Barack Obama: Conservative hero

. .....

Obama tripled the number of troops in Afghanistan, cut taxes, supported new nuclear reactors, signed an executive order that upholds the restriction on federal funds for abortions and now is opening up the eastern seaboard to oil companies. So why all the partisan bickering? Because it’s fun to superimpose his face over the Joker’s, that’s why! Ha ha! Hilarious!

If I were a staunch liberal, I’d superimpose Obama’s face on Two-Face about now.

If McCain had won, would the fringe left wing be photoshopping his face over Ziggy?

.............

How not to be leered at like a plate of spaghetti

I don’t drink alcohol or eat candy or desserts when I am in training. “I’m in training” is the manly way to turn down a drink or a piece of chocolate cake, by the way. “I’m on a diet” makes all the guys around you look at you as if you’re wearing a frilly pink taffeta dress – and not in the same way that they would look at a woman wearing a frilly, pink dress, either.

Anyway, I’m restricted to getting my calories from a limited number of healthy food items. I have a hard time not overeating those things, though. I love a big pot of whole grain pasta. I gulp that stuff down by the pound. If I were in Jamaica, I’d be a pastafarian. If I were a nut, I’d be a pasta-chio. If I were a terminator, I’d say “Pasta la vista, baby!” Ok, that’s it with the puns. They’re past-a their prime (sorry!).

...........

GOP: Proactive, not active!

.

Mitch McConnell announced this morning that the Senate Republicans were unanimously in opposition to Obama’s Supreme Court nominee, calling the pick “An irresponsible choice. Mr. Obama has decided to select an activist judge who will rule on ideological grounds rather than respect the rule of law.” Tom Coburn stated that he felt that the nominee was clearly unqualified. Conservatives on the judicial committee also remarked that “Mr. Obama’s pick clearly does not understand or value Supreme Court precedent and previous federal court rulings, except in cases where overturning a hundred years or so of them will benefit the Republican party.” Mr. Obama responded to the critiques with “What nominee? I’m not picking anyone until next week at least.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

.

The bitter end

.

One upshot of the new health care regs is that women can’t be charged more than men. The rationale is that being a woman is not a choice, so it is a form of discrimination. So if we only priced insurance based on preventable factors, we wouldn’t set rates based on age, since no one can stop time. We’d base the rates on body mass index (BMI), alcohol consumption, blood pressure and other health related metrics. I’m cool with that, but millions of people who assure me that they are just “big boned” may find that system to be discriminatory, too.

.....

I find it discriminatory that I (as a fit male) have to pay for fat, smoking women, though I use the service so much less frequently. Just for that, I plan to die a long, slow debilitating death that consumes huge resources to keep me going for decades. Picture me angrily waving my cane from my hospital bed when I’m 110 years old and strung up with more tubes and wires than a marionette. I shall rage, rage against the dying of the light! I will NOT go gently into that good night, Sonny Boy!

...........

Sarah Palin, gift from God to snark writers everywhere

.........

It just occurred to me that I could write a blog exclusively about Sarah Palin and never ever run low on material. To paraphrase Dave Barry, wouldn’t “Sarah Palin & the Wingnuts” be a great name for a 70’s tribute band? 1770’s, that is.

.........

Palin’s new gaffe is that her Fox News show is trying to prove that Tea Party kooks aren’t racist. They showed clips of upcoming interviews and (gasp) – LL Cool J? Turns out that LL gave the interview with someone else in 2008, and Fox is (another gasp) playing fast & loose with the truth.

.........

Ok, I shouldn’t blame Palin on this one. It was a decision of the network suits. When LL called them on this stunt (and did they think that he wouldn’t?), they said “We are cutting his interview from the special and wish him the best with his fledgling acting career." Oh snap! You got dissed, bro!

..........

Since LL has been acting longer than Fox News has existed, I wanted him to return the best of wishes for Fox’s fledgling news channel, but he instead said some cliché thing about how only you can bring peace to yourself.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/20100331/ts_ynews/ynews_ts1387

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Heroes Season 3: A Kinder and Gentler Super Psycho Villain

.........

I’m watching Heroes for the third season, and I’m usually pretty good at following things through turn-on-a-dime-bizarre-plot-twists, but they’re losing me. They’re jumping around it time and space trying to save the world somehow from some unknown threat. The 4-years-in-the-future people are clearly not operating on the same rule system as the present-day people. The goody-two-shoes cheerleader is now a cold blooded assassin. On the other hand, ex-evil-Sylar, who was the penultimate killing machine in Season 1 is now a laid back, sweater-wearing, doting father. I hope he used his telekinetic ability to change diapers. I certainly would have.

.........

I know what they really need to do: Introduce another eight or ten characters with new wacky powers. Yeah, that would really clear things up.

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........

And in an alternate Universe, “Garfield” is funny once in a while

...........

Someplace, in an alternate reality, Auguste Rodin creates a sculpture of a seated man with a knitted brow in 1880. But in this reality, the man is on the latrine and the sculpture is titled “The Stinker”. World history is largely the same there, aside from that they have world peace, a cure for most cancers and cheap, clean energy.

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.........

When two similar things happen it always heralds a new trend

..........

They’re doing big budget remakes of Tron and Clash of the Titans. So what early 80s dud will be remade next, I wonder? I’m going to cash in my 401K to buy the rights to the Police Academy series. No, wait, Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: The Electric Boogaloo. They’re ripe. I can feel it.

Alexander, Spiderman, Star Wars

I made the mistake of watching a documentary on Alexander the Great before I watched the Oliver Stone movie “Alexander”. Now I know where the movie took liberties. The movie presents Alexander as completely innocent of his father’s murder, although historians are skeptical. But historians don’t even know if Alexander was gay or not.

The movie ignored the fact that Alexander initially fought alongside his father Philip. Alexander saved the day with a daring charge. But he wasn’t rewarded for it, and that caused a schism between father and son. So in real life Alexander killed his dad. The movie misses that battle entirely. Then after a brief historical monologue, he’s suddenly in control over half of Asia.

Some of the real life things that Alexander did, if shown in a Hollywood production, would simply not be believed. He rode at the front of his cavalry during attacks. He’d also be decked out with some garish antennae on his helmet. Why someone who presents such an obvious target wasn’t just wacked immediately is not believable, but it was true. He once managed to get within a few feet of the Persian king Darius, who more conventionally sat at the back of his lines, surrounded by an army of personal guards. Again, most of this wasn’t in the movie.

Alexander destroyed the Persians when outnumbered six to one, while taking an astonishingly low 100 casualties. He once invaded a city, got drunk and ordered it burned it to the ground. The next day he was like “I said THAT? Aw, man!” Another time, Alexander was laid siege to a walled city. He got to the top of the wall, turned around, and found that all his troops were still at the bottom. Instead of regrouping, he jumps forward into combat alone. When they found Alexander, he had an arrow to his lung, from which he survived, but never fully recovered. Truth is stranger than fiction, everyone knows, but you can still present it. Instead, the movie shows Alex getting zinged by a random arrow in a jungle battle.

Genghis Khan is probably going to be the next historical figure for a big budget movie, he’s ripe for it. Great conqueror, growing Asian market. Genghis, your time has come.
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For yet another years-too-late movie review, I saw Spiderman 3. It’s sort of a jumbled mass of plotlines, none of which were apparently good enough to take center stage. Spidey is covered by some alien thing that crawled out of a meteor. Very 1950s sci-fi. But what are the chances that the same guy who got bit by the one radioactive spider in the world also gets covered with the only alien entity that fell to Earth?

So Peter Parker brings a little bit of this gooey alien thing to his professor of indeterminable field of science. He’s a professor, darn it – like the guy on Gilligan’s Island. A little bit of goo is flopping around on the table, and the prof advises Pete to “Stay away from that. It appears to have properties of a symbiote.” And we know this how?

There’s also this guy who can turn into sand. As the guy is turning into sand for the first time, we see a zoom in to his DNA, which is changing from the double helix to some crystalline-looking helix. Never mind that at a molecular level, crystals don’t look like crystals, they look like molecules. And, they’re never arranged in helixes, they’re arranged in crystalline lattices, which would explain why they are called crystals and why they look like crystals.

But anyway, back to the alien symbiote, the “professor” (and Maryann!) has done some lab work, and the results are in. The symbiote enhances the qualities of the host, especially aggression. How do we know this? We’re treated to the microscope view. There are a bunch of human red blood cells and one little alien black cell that is punching them. I swear I’m not making that up, but I wish I were.

Peter Parker is also battling a cheesey dude who is trying to muscle in on Peter’s turf at the Daily Bugle. Yeah, two photographers go to war over the lowest position at the newspaper, like all those people who fight over positions as the Wal-Mart greeter.

The culmination of all the Spider-nonsense is that the alien can be defeated by the sound of clanging metal. There was a Twilight Zone episode where some braggart told impossible tall tales of his heroism that no one really believed. One day he was picked up by aliens and he defeated them by playing his harmonica. Obviously, this was also not believed by anyone he told. Spiderman, however, tries to pass this ridiculous plot point on to the viewer as clever cinema.

I know. At any movie where the titular character wears spandex, I should just check my brain at the door. But I read graphic novels that are thought provoking and erudite. Alan Moore and Neil Gaiman lay down some seriously great literature.
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Star Wars was a great movie, but when you watch it again and again, no good guy with a name ever dies.

I may be a sociopath, but I'm not crazy enough to try to get a state employee to DO something

Every time a research study is finished, the researchers always follow it up with “… but further research is needed.” Why is that? I’m stumped. I suppose more research will illuminate the answer.
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Ha! That James Cameron got shown up by his ex-wife at the Oscars. He must feel like a total loser.

As loser-ish as someone can feel with a nine digit paycheck, that is. Yeah, she really showed him. Ha!

Speaking of movies, I’m watching “Watchmen”. It’s ok so far, but the soundtrack is composed almost entirely of pop hits from the 60s and 70s. I like the songs, but every scene features an old hit. This isn’t The Big Chill, guys.
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My local bishop made a point to heavily critique Pat Robertson’s view about Haiti’s earthquake being some end result of a centuries-old pact with the Devil. The bishop’s point was that if you believe the earthquake was an act of God punishing the wicked, then you can also conclude that you, not having been smote, are holy. The Haitians, having been traumatized, are not. Nevertheless, kudos to Bishop Ron Gainer for taking a stand for sanity. Not all organized religion is screwball hypocrisy.
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And a great review for “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”. The title is a little off-putting, but it is apt. This guy named Dr. Horrible has a video blog, and he spontaneously breaks out in song. What else could you call it?
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I was looking for a movie review on IMDB.com, and there are a hundred reviews that all start out with the warning that they contain spoilers. Why do people write spoilers into a review?

True, I might put some spoilers in if I am discussing a movie, but that’s usually when the movie is really popular, old or just plain sucky. With the popular or old movies, I sort-of expect that everyone cool has seen it before me. If you can’t muster up enough cool to be on par with dismally nerdy me, then you not only deserve to accidentally read a spoiler, but get the online movie review equivalent of a wedgie to go along with it. With the abysmal movies that I see, you would truly be better off being spoiled and do something cooler than I did with my two hours on Earth, like go clean bathroom grout.
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This just in – the planets will not all line up in 2012. The Earth will not become the center of the galaxy. The poles will not spontaneously invert or shift 90 degrees towards the sun. Read Astronomy, not Astrology, people.

Let’s drop the whole 2012 thing into the circular file marked “Y2K Preparation” and be done with it.
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Both Dr. Horrible and the Watchmen’s Rorschach were borderline sociopaths, when you come down to it. We, the viewers are treated to their innermost thoughts. These individuals have difficulty reconciling the fact that such a large majority of the population fails to see the world the way that they do. So this is where I come in.

I’m really not trying to be a sociopath, but I saw a clip on nutrition from the Today Show. Natalie Morales seems totally amazed at the “eat your vegetables” advice. Eat lean protein. Eat low sugar, high fiber grains. Drink water several times per day. Do not over-eat cake, cookies, beer or Big Macs.

What is the matter with these people? How many times do they have to hear garden-variety good sense before they listen? I understand why no one follows the good advice, but to not even know? Is America that pathetic?

Aside from all the alienation, we sociopaths don’t even get a cool slang term like the psychos do. When was the last time you called someone a “socio”? Catatonics get “basket case”, “vegetable” and a few others. Schizos get a moniker, but it doesn’t pass spell-check. But, neither does “spellcheck”.

Alcoholics get “Alky”, which would make a great animated mascot - in case you were trying to recruit binge drinkers to give up and finally join the proud ranks of those who have made that lifestyle choice.
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There was another bird in my house this morning. All told, I think this makes number 6. It’s been a few years since the last time. Why birds? I don’t know. I’m sure that Pat Robertson would chalk it up to my great-great-great grandfather (on my mother’s side) who didn’t make a deal with the Devil, but had a side bet with one of Beelzebub’s lower clerical assistants.

I can only imagine what the bird tells his bird friends after we chase him out. “Yeah, I went in that house once. They yell and scream and wave stuff around a lot. What a hoot! I'm going to tweet this!”
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In the break room, there’s a spot where management posts some insipid motivational quote. They pledged to update it every two weeks. 4 months ago they burned out. The last quote is eternally abandoned on something about finishing what you started. It’s sort of an ironic monument to the futility of motivating a state employee.

Bob Dylan: A life so profound you can not make heads or tails of it

I saw a Bob Dylan biopic. I see what they were trying to do, so I give them some points. But they kept jumping around in time between six different actors playing Bob, and none of them were called Bob. There was Billy the Kid, Jude Quinn/Jack/Pastor John/Robbie/Woody Guthrie and Arthur something. So there were time jumps, actor transitions and name scrambles in between real, imagined, symbolic and surreal events in Dylan’s life. Cate Blanchett did the best Dylan. Heath Ledger did the worst, followed by Richard Gere. After watching, I don’t feel like I know him better as an artist, a person or a historical figure. Was he really ever a runaway black kid?

The trouble with doing a biopic on Dylan is that he’s still walking around muttering incoherent things, accepting Grammys and doing an odd soundtrack here and there. I’m sure those mumbles are profound, though.

Even when he emails a technical question to a colostomy bag manufacturer, it should be regarded as sacred scripture defining the American troubadour. “Excuse me… I have been using MedCo© 2-ply bags for a few months now, but they leak. Hefty© 3-ply appear to be leak-free, but I they may not be large enough to contain all my waste. Do you have an industrial size?” Ooh, poignant. Topical. Deep.

Maybe he writes all his email in the cryptic pentameter of song.

I’ve been using the Medco for many a moon
The leakage springs forth all but too soon
Hefty© 3-ply could prove to be a boon
And my bag, it needs a-changin’.

Hefty© is the corporate giant to some
Their 3-ply bags, they don’t leak none
But answer my questions, they number one:
How soon will my bag need a-changin’?

Now I need a big bag because I sh!t quite a lot
I’ll take on the small bag if it’s all that you’ve got
I’ll change it ev’ry hour, I’ll give it a shot
When my bag, it needs a-changin’
(harmonica solo)

I turn right now to the corp-or-ation
To solve my problems with def-e-cation
In hopes to find some co-op-eration
‘Cuz my bag, it needs a-changin’.
My bag… it needs.. a-chan-gin’.

There’s a musical biopic due out this spring about the Runaways, the band that spawned Joan Jett and Lita Ford. If it were done like “I’m Not There”, the Dylan pic, it would star John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson, amongst others. Joan Jett could be played by Olympia Dukakis. The part where Lita did a duet with Ozzy would be played by Ginger Spice. Ginger will be Lita, not Ozzy. Ozzy should be played by Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, Jonah Hex is a graphic novel guy coming to the screen this summer. He’s a gunfighter with a horrible scar on his face and a checkered past. His comics are pretty simple. If your last name isn’t Hex, you’re an odds-on candidate for boot hill. I read 25 episodes before they finally gave up his back story, except how he got his scar. How many will I have to read to find out how he invented the hex wrench?
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The UK Wildcats lost. Coach Calipari said that you can’t spell “learning” without an L. I’m think “Yeah, because then you’re EARNING.” And if you take the L out of “lover” then it’s “over”. And if you take the L out of Palin you get “pain”. If you take the U out of “up”, twist the “p” around until it is a “d”, and add “own”, you can spell “vertigo”.

Sports, Palin, Dieting, Avatar and Voodoo

Mark McGuire said that he took steroids. Ooh. Didn’t see that coming.
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Now that Sarah Palin is a newscaster, will she take back all those unkind things she said about the news media?

Doesn’t matter, she’ll quit in a year and a half (or less).
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No one wants to hear about how I want to lose weight. I get no empathy. Weight is a big deal when you’re trying to run. I’m not looking for a lot of empathy, losing weight is easy for me. I hear that it is hard for other people, though. I have empathized for years, but I’m losing patience. I diet. I train. I generally succeed. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I do it. How can you diet for 2 years and not lose any weight? Either your plan stinks or you don’t follow it.
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Two stories on why you should think twice before going to the doctor:

Ignoring everyone’s advice to see a doctor, I got through my back sprain without anything more than a bottle of ibuprophen. Since I’ve been doing runs over 20 miles, I’m going to call it “100%”. I may relapse, but I might do that even with a doctor’s advice.

Story #2: A few months ago, my kindergartener was having these episodes where she wouldn’t behave. I was worried that she would have to go to a child psychologist. He’d set up regular therapy sessions and 5 years later she’d be either still on square 1 or stoned on Ritalin. Anyway, it let up a little before Christmas. Her teacher had a stuffed Santa’s helper “watch” the kids. The Elf on the Shelf did the trick. Yay! So much for the $140 per hour kid’s shrink.
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That James Cameron. One of these days, someone in Hollywood is going to give him a big budget to work with. Then he’ll knock out some real box office gold.

For those who look to the Pope for their movie reviews, he was pretty lukewarm on Avatar. (get it? Luke-warm? The Bible guy? No?) The Vatican said that it was visually stunning, but they didn’t care for its celebration of paganism. But hold your picket signs, they also said it was “harmless”.

I decided to attack any successful pop culture in order to grab the spotlight. I will start with protesting Star Wars for its incestuous overtones between Luke & Leia.
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Bush left office with essentially no new jobs in eight years. The S&P dropped about 4.25% per year, too. Great job, buddy. I want to have a beer with you. And dump it on your smirky head. Even Jimmy "Malaise/Stagfaltion" Carter managed to grow 2.6 million jobs per year and eek out a positive return in the market.
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There’s an earthquake in Haiti, and there is a great, worldwide effort to save the survivors. Except, of course, the extreme Right Wing. They dedicate their efforts to blaming someone. Pat Robertson blames a deal with the Devil, and Rush Limbaugh blames Obama, which means that they both agree in lockstep.

Robertson’s blame fixing doesn’t make any sense. He cites some voodoo ceremony in 1791 that supposedly started the slave revolt in Haiti. God is on the side of slave owners? The French were notoriously evil slave owners. They made the slave owners in the American south seem downright generous. Life in Haiti has never been idyllic, but who would choose a life of slavery and near-starvation over freedom (and near-starvation)? God dealing retribution nine generations after a sin is unhelpful, anyway.

You know what else Pat Robertson’s comments made me think: Voodoo ceremonies work! I’m going to sacrifice a chicken tonight. I don’t have the time or the stomach for the whole thing. I’ll just order McNuggets and inflict pain on my enemies by poking the Avatar action figure with my soda straw. Beware!

Running in a cold hell

I’ve heard a lot about how Avatar is now the highest grossing film of all time, and then a lot about how it isn’t the highest grossing film because it simply charges more for tickets. Taking inflation into account, Gone With The Wind is the highest. Avatar is 26th. But “Gone” was re-released five more times. So, you’d also have to take in to account the money made from TV, cable or DVD. Hattie McDaniel gave a great performance, but let’s face it, no one bought a plastic action figure of that sassy maid. There is no “Ten Commandments” video game. But yeah, The Sound of Music soundtrack is sure to be far more profitable than Avatar’s.

You can make a lukewarm movie like Ice Age and not do very well at the box. If you count DVDs, toys and the potential for increasingly suckier sequels and it’s a winner.
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I went to a snow-tubing place last winter. They have this moving sidewalk taking a hundred people 200 feet up an incline, but I can’t keep a treadmill working.

I don’t know if I hate the dark or the cold more, and I don’t know if it matters. I lack a bathroom. But at 4:30am, it’s not too hard to find some privacy. I could pee in the middle of the road if I wanted.

Outdoor runs make my toenails go black. From 2 months of reduced schedule due to injury, I was down to only one blackie (although he has told me that he prefers the term “toenail of color”). Now the damaged nails are in the filibuster-proof majority.

Running outside is like visiting hell, except that it’s really cold, and afterwards I have to get the kids dressed and get myself to work.

Non-news, long dead music stars and a review of a dozen movies that I haven't seen

Non-news event that is being blasted across the headlines: Holiday travelers face delays at airports! Oh, I would never have guessed! Air travel can be frustrating? What? With all the money, technology and the 80+ years of commercial air flight, that they’d have all the bugs worked out. But, there are problems you say? You’re kidding! Really? That probably would be news here in KY, where most people travel by horse and buggy. The standard at the airport is a biplane and next year we move up to the DC-3.

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I like to listen to classical music while I work. I’m out of touch with modern popular culture, so I like to imagine what the cool kids of the 18th century listened to for kicks.

“Listen, the orchestra is doing Marriage of Figaro Overture.”
“That is so overplayed. That and Die Zauberflöte.”
“Yeah! Every goddamn recital! I’m sick of them. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik deserves it.”
“Dude, you check out the new Requiem by Mozart? That is slammin’!”
“Yeah, he’s really trying for a comeback with that one.”
“Good luck, I heard he’s dead.”
“Oh man. Sucks. I was really into his early stuff.”
“You know the Alphabet Song?”
“A-B-C-D-E-F-G… everyone knows that.”
“That was Mozart, bro.”
“No way!”
“Way.”
“So what are you into now?”
“That new guy, Haydn.”
“Eh, he’s ok. I like Ignatz von Beeke.”
“Yeah, boooiii! That guy jams on the harpsichord!”
“String Quartet in G Presto; that is the shit, knowwhatI’msayin?”
“Hey, you know that Juliette chick that’s always hangin’ around the castle?”
“Yeah, she’s into Salieri. Beyotch.”
“She has a Francesco Benucci concert corset, but she didn’t even go to the show.”
“What a poser.”
“You should definitely ‘do’ her.”
“’Do’ her, like make scandalous eye contact in public??”
“Yeah, then don’t send your messenger boy to her estate the next day. Heh heh.”
“Man! That’s harsh, bro! I’m gonna do it. Let’s do it!”
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A slew of big movies are coming out this summer. Remakes, reboots, rehashes. Harry Potter and the…. Something That Sounds Vaguely Scary Part XXV2 – yeah, that’s a gimme.

Russell Crowe is going to be Robin Hood. It did so much for Kevin Cosner’s career.

Another Shrek, another Toy Story, another Iron Man, another Vampire thingy. Another… Tron? It takes guts to make a sequel to a huge, 28 year old flop.

The A Team is coming to the big screen. Maybe this bunch will shoot, blow stuff up and actually kill someone. It’s like the TV version trained at the Stormtrooper School of Marksmanship.

The recipe: Take some old tv show. Make a movie. Result: Box office gold. The A-Team. Sex & the City 2 (both a TV series and a sequel) There’s a Nickelodeon show unfortunately called “Avatar” that is recreated in a movie called “The Last Airbender”. I’m going to buy the rights to “Car 54 Where Are You?”, “What’s Happening?” and “Golden Girls”. They’re ripe for a big budget remake, I’m telling you.

Freddy Krueger is getting a reboot. Clash of the Titans is getting a remake. Was anyone clamoring for these? C’mon, show of hands. Really? You in the back? Oh, you were just scratching your armpit. I see.

In the legacy of Judge Dredd, Swamp Thing, Watchmen, Constantine and Hellboy; Jonas Hex is the graphic novel next coming to the silver screen. You need one of those every summer, or the sun will not shine, crops will die and worldwide famine will ensue. Watch this movie and those like it or suffer the consequences, mankind.

Given the choice between watching another Judge Dredd or Hellboy versus total annihilation, mankind selects the latter.