Some rock guys at concerts hold the microphone out to the crowd and want you to sing it. That's pretty nervy of them not doing their job. Then they're never satisfied and always demand that you should shout it louder. Then they want you to clap to keep the beat so the drummer can hit the bathroom. Then comes the obligatory song complaining that life on the road is so tough. Those guys should be punched.
******************
I'm going to become a Tea Partier to restore America to its earliest principles. Back before "under God" was unconstitutionally inserted into the Pledge of Allegiance in the 50s. Back before women could vote (sorry, Sarah Palin, there goes your voter base). There should only be 13 states. What is it with these 37 wanna be's? That's not REAL America. And the kids today and their crazy hair! Don't they know the value of a well placed powdered wig? I'm sick of it! I want to take back the country that existed a century and a half before my birth!
*****************
I saw Iron Man 2 last night. Wildly impossible. Tony Stark saves the day because in 1974, his father (now dead) put something weird in a model of a proposed city of the future. Tony interpreted this message to mean "invent a new element". So he does - inside of 48 hours. Bad guy dies. Good thing that Iron Man's key to victory didn't involve something really hard like "invent a cure for the common cold". Because then he'd have been toast.
****************
New superhero: Ironicman!
He flies to the Gulf of Mexico to clean the BP spill. "Oil, oil everywhere, nor any drop to lubricate my joints!" Says he.
From a nearby ship: "You said it, Ironicman!"
"No, seriously, I'm rusting here."
Another voice from the ship: "He came to help, but he's the one who needs saving! How ironic!"
"Goin' down, guys!"
First voice from the ship: "He's a shiny spot in a sea of dull, black sludge! How ironic!"
Second voice: "No, that's merely juxtaposition of apparent opposites."
Ironicman: "Can't move, can't float!"
First voice: "So a black fly in chardonnay isn't irony?"
Second voice: "Not unless you're toasting the successful fumigation of your vinyard."
Ironicman: Blubb blubb...b
First and second voices: "Ha ha! That Ironicman!"
********************************
This Julia Roberts movie "Eat, Pray, Love" seems to get good reviews. The sequel is the tequilla thing "Lick, Chug, Suck". I'd actually be interested in a movie about chicks doing shots of Cuervo for 90 minutes.
No, on second thought, it'd probably turn out like an episode of "Jersey Shore".
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Garfield couldn't get elected dog catcher
Many people think Garfield is "loveable". I decided to model my behavior after him. I'll be sullen, lazy and openly contemptuous. My wildly undeserved ego will win me many friends at work. Being disrespectful and rude will open up my social prospects tremendously. I'll totally rock the "loveable" thing. Totally.
Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.
********
That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.
So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.
*********
Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".
If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.
There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.
Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.
********
That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.
So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.
*********
Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".
If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.
There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.
New Vampire Flick Script
I just wrote a script for a teen vampire flick, because no one ever thought of that before. I call it "Equinox", not to be confused with any other vampire flick named for astrological insignifica.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Kudos and boos to Republicans - but mostly boos.
Kudos to Reps for rightly tasking one of their own. Michael Steele demeaned the war effort in Afghanistan clearly because his nemesis supports it. Congressional conservatives have been whacking him as hard as they would if Steele had been a Dem. True, most of them are looking for a reason to fire Steele. But, y'know, that's like,... politics.
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
Reviews: Book that you will never read and music you will never listen to
I listened to Kate Bush's CD "Aerial", in which she sings passionately about her washing machine and also sings the number Pi out to 112 decimal places. Take that, Weird Al Yankovic! Kate Bush is impervious to your sophmoric parodies. Ha!
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
ONE fanatic backs down - and I stand amazed.
Reverend Jones in Florida wanted to burn a stack of Korans (he kept spelling them with a "Qu" just to confuse the issue). He DIDN'T because the Muslim Imam asked "What would Jesus do?"
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I call BS on McConnell
Yeah, this is going to be another political diatribe.
Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee looks like she's in. Much to the chagrin of master game player Mitch McConnell. There have been hundreds of appellate court judgeships open - and to be fair, this situation has existed from some time in the Clinton era and probably a long time prior.
Anyway, two senators from opposite sides of the aisle appealed to their bretheren to call a vote on two in particular for their state. One prospective judge was unanimously approved by the Judicial Committee and one was approved 18-1. Mitch McConnell said that he was not going to allow a vote to confirm them because Obama used the recess appointment rule to put some non-judges to work in completely unrelated matters.
Reagan and both Bushes used recess appointments heavily and this practice never bothered McConnell. But he did seem very upset about 4 years ago when the Democrats were in the minority and were holding up several prospective justices that were not nearly as well received as these currently up. I believe the rallying cry was "Up or down vote! Up or down vote!" Shoe's turned the opposite table now, eh, Mr. McConnell?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The pro-choice groups are upset because Obama promised not to allow federal funds to be used for abortions in the new program for high risk individuals that can't get insurance elsewhere. He's making good on that promise. But that doesn't give him the slightest headway with the anti-choice crowd. They hate Obama no matter what he does. When he caves in to their pressure, they win because the law ban abortions. Not content with that victory, they also say that the law actually permits abortions to get more contributions. The conservatives get away with blatantly false lies and Obama gets slammed from both sides.
It's amazing to me how much he gets beaten on no matter what he does. He delays sending troops to Afghanistan - and the Republicans are all over him. He sends troops, and they complain that the deficit is too high. Republicans complain about big government but then complain that Obama didn't do enough big government things to mitigate the oil spill. So he imposes a drilling moratorium. But then that's government interference again. I feel bad for his chances in 2012.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was thinking that if Palin does win the Rep nomination in 2 years, Obama has a good shot at a second term no matter how beaten he looks today.
I saw Palin's "Mama Grizzly" video with an industrial strength barf-bag at the ready. Since she's not officially running for anything, it's really akin to the self indulgent me-fest like Lebron James, except mercifully briefer.
Despite is shorter run time, she still manages to call herself a grizzly, a pink elephant and a pit bull. I gathered that it was some sort of bizarre Chimera-beast personna, but it's adamantly female. In her virtually content-free rant, she uses the grizzly as a metaphor because mama grizzlies "know when something is wrong". This apparently substitutes for meaningful policy discourse in the Palin household.
Mama grizzlies are also notorious for attacking innocent hikers that pose no threat. She also points out that mother grizzlies "rear up on their hind legs". But she's not a skilled enough hunter to know that you shoot a bear when it rears up, because then it's most vulnerable. She's also not literate enough to know that most Democrats have been walking on two legs for three million years. Nor does she get that the "pink elephant" is code for hallucinations experienced in delerium tremens resulting from severe alcohol withdrawal.
... and a female pit bull is still a bitch.
Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee looks like she's in. Much to the chagrin of master game player Mitch McConnell. There have been hundreds of appellate court judgeships open - and to be fair, this situation has existed from some time in the Clinton era and probably a long time prior.
Anyway, two senators from opposite sides of the aisle appealed to their bretheren to call a vote on two in particular for their state. One prospective judge was unanimously approved by the Judicial Committee and one was approved 18-1. Mitch McConnell said that he was not going to allow a vote to confirm them because Obama used the recess appointment rule to put some non-judges to work in completely unrelated matters.
Reagan and both Bushes used recess appointments heavily and this practice never bothered McConnell. But he did seem very upset about 4 years ago when the Democrats were in the minority and were holding up several prospective justices that were not nearly as well received as these currently up. I believe the rallying cry was "Up or down vote! Up or down vote!" Shoe's turned the opposite table now, eh, Mr. McConnell?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The pro-choice groups are upset because Obama promised not to allow federal funds to be used for abortions in the new program for high risk individuals that can't get insurance elsewhere. He's making good on that promise. But that doesn't give him the slightest headway with the anti-choice crowd. They hate Obama no matter what he does. When he caves in to their pressure, they win because the law ban abortions. Not content with that victory, they also say that the law actually permits abortions to get more contributions. The conservatives get away with blatantly false lies and Obama gets slammed from both sides.
It's amazing to me how much he gets beaten on no matter what he does. He delays sending troops to Afghanistan - and the Republicans are all over him. He sends troops, and they complain that the deficit is too high. Republicans complain about big government but then complain that Obama didn't do enough big government things to mitigate the oil spill. So he imposes a drilling moratorium. But then that's government interference again. I feel bad for his chances in 2012.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was thinking that if Palin does win the Rep nomination in 2 years, Obama has a good shot at a second term no matter how beaten he looks today.
I saw Palin's "Mama Grizzly" video with an industrial strength barf-bag at the ready. Since she's not officially running for anything, it's really akin to the self indulgent me-fest like Lebron James, except mercifully briefer.
Despite is shorter run time, she still manages to call herself a grizzly, a pink elephant and a pit bull. I gathered that it was some sort of bizarre Chimera-beast personna, but it's adamantly female. In her virtually content-free rant, she uses the grizzly as a metaphor because mama grizzlies "know when something is wrong". This apparently substitutes for meaningful policy discourse in the Palin household.
Mama grizzlies are also notorious for attacking innocent hikers that pose no threat. She also points out that mother grizzlies "rear up on their hind legs". But she's not a skilled enough hunter to know that you shoot a bear when it rears up, because then it's most vulnerable. She's also not literate enough to know that most Democrats have been walking on two legs for three million years. Nor does she get that the "pink elephant" is code for hallucinations experienced in delerium tremens resulting from severe alcohol withdrawal.
... and a female pit bull is still a bitch.
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