Garfield couldn't get elected dog catcher

Many people think Garfield is "loveable". I decided to model my behavior after him. I'll be sullen, lazy and openly contemptuous. My wildly undeserved ego will win me many friends at work. Being disrespectful and rude will open up my social prospects tremendously. I'll totally rock the "loveable" thing. Totally.

Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.

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That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.

So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.

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Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".

If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.

There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.