I’m the Lameasaurus, my lyrics they bore us
My fans they ignore us, cuz I drive a Ford Taurus
They cringe at my chorus and hold applause for us.
I’m the wonder bread rapper, rhymes from the crapper
I don’t dress as dapper as a candy bar wrapper
Wife called me “napper”, I hadda go slap ‘er.
Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.
I get busy, work up a tizzy, drinkin’ a fizzy
The bros call me “Sissy”, “Prissy” and even a “Missy”
They throw a hissy, they diss me but their disses all miss me
Cuz I come on long and strong even when I’m wrong
Eventually, I’ll be free to be me – a money guarantee
I’m da bomb, I rhyme with aplomb, from here to Vietnam
Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
(crowd) Oh.
Ay!!
I’m feelin’ neglected, dejected, and always corrected
In effect, I collect disrespect, I wrecked my chance to connect
I expect, left unchecked, I’ll misdirect efforts to perfect
My troubles are mounting, I’m stuck in accounting
I sit at a computer, I’m a daily commuter
My job sorta sucks, but it pays a few bucks and I’m not driving trucks
Lame-a-ee-ay!
(crowd) Go
(crowd) Away!!
(Lame-a-saurus) Oh.
I must admit, I’m rhyming like sh!t,
with so little wit that I need an affidavit
To prove I can move to the groove,
and it would behoove you to remove
the plugs from your ear, I fear
they’ll interfere to hear my world première
(crowd) Please just go away!
(crowd) Go!
(crowd) Away!
(crowd) Go!
(crowd) Away!
I foresee no MTV for me. Yo.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
White Elephant: The real war on Christmas
Frosty the Snowman is a zombie. His body has life, but no way does that stupid hat have the ability to impart a soul to that body. He’s an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. That magician is miscast as being mean spirited, when in fact he was a holy man who could not allow this sacrilege to continue. His hat was cursed with black magic. When it fell into innocent hands, he selflessly tried to get it back for the good of those kids. The kids unknowingly worshipped a false idol who seduced the young into a life of hedonism. Blasphemy! Sin! Heresy! Frosty must die. It’s the work of the devil.
Did you ever wonder why Santa Claus always wears red? He’s a Communist.
I’ve always had it in for Rudolph, too. At first I thought it was disingenuous of all the other reindeer to suddenly do an about face the moment that Santa declared Rudy the king shit of all reindeer. But that turn seems to be the most plausible thing in the whole story. A fog over the whole world? Even in the desert? In all his years, in all his many travels, he never flew in fog before? How could Rudolph’s tiny, faintly glowing nose provide a high-wattage searchlight function? Please.
I saw two commercials this Christmas for the Ch-ch-chia Pet. Yes, now they have Chia Garfield and Chia Scooby Doo. Does the Chia-‘fro make these two iconic cartoon characters look cool in any way? Oh no, it does not. It looks pretty much what you’d expect Garf and Scooby to look like if they put on a cheap Afro wig. But really, these two have no respect to lose.
For the record, the only one that ever made me say “Now that’s a clever idea” was the Chia Jerry Garcia.
+++++++++++++++++++
Does anybody really think that the Christmas tradition of “White Elephant” is really amusing? Oh, you do? Well, punch yourself in the face so I don’t have to. No one has ever received anything that they remotely wanted or needed. In an amazing feat of money sucking logic, the sum total of all gifts received is lower than the total cost of each gift given. Yes, 2 + 2 = 1! Christmas magic right in front of your eyes. Still like “White Elephant”? Punch yourself harder this time.
This year I will contribute a jar of paint remover, Hostess snacks, and a Hawaiian lei with the caption “A stripper, a couple ho’s and a cheap lei. What’s not to like?” You’d think that I’d be looked on as an unprofessional asshole. Yes, but that’s just because I’m a guy. The women routinely give shitty gifts worse than that and get away with it.
Chias are one of those awful gifts that you just get someone if you really hate the person you pulled in your Secret Santa and don’t want to get your hands dirty preparing a bag of flaming poo.
Did you ever wonder why Santa Claus always wears red? He’s a Communist.
I’ve always had it in for Rudolph, too. At first I thought it was disingenuous of all the other reindeer to suddenly do an about face the moment that Santa declared Rudy the king shit of all reindeer. But that turn seems to be the most plausible thing in the whole story. A fog over the whole world? Even in the desert? In all his years, in all his many travels, he never flew in fog before? How could Rudolph’s tiny, faintly glowing nose provide a high-wattage searchlight function? Please.
I saw two commercials this Christmas for the Ch-ch-chia Pet. Yes, now they have Chia Garfield and Chia Scooby Doo. Does the Chia-‘fro make these two iconic cartoon characters look cool in any way? Oh no, it does not. It looks pretty much what you’d expect Garf and Scooby to look like if they put on a cheap Afro wig. But really, these two have no respect to lose.
For the record, the only one that ever made me say “Now that’s a clever idea” was the Chia Jerry Garcia.
+++++++++++++++++++
Does anybody really think that the Christmas tradition of “White Elephant” is really amusing? Oh, you do? Well, punch yourself in the face so I don’t have to. No one has ever received anything that they remotely wanted or needed. In an amazing feat of money sucking logic, the sum total of all gifts received is lower than the total cost of each gift given. Yes, 2 + 2 = 1! Christmas magic right in front of your eyes. Still like “White Elephant”? Punch yourself harder this time.
This year I will contribute a jar of paint remover, Hostess snacks, and a Hawaiian lei with the caption “A stripper, a couple ho’s and a cheap lei. What’s not to like?” You’d think that I’d be looked on as an unprofessional asshole. Yes, but that’s just because I’m a guy. The women routinely give shitty gifts worse than that and get away with it.
Chias are one of those awful gifts that you just get someone if you really hate the person you pulled in your Secret Santa and don’t want to get your hands dirty preparing a bag of flaming poo.
Snowflake Apocalypse
Have you heard in breathless terms, the forecasted complete and utter collapse of Western civilization due to the impending 1-2 inches of snow we may receive within the next few days? Winter weather warning/watch/whatever. This cataclysm will force us all to chop the furniture for firewood and to gnaw on nail clippings for nutrients. Since this calamity will surely destroy all life on Earth, consider this my last entry for a while. We must wait until some protoplasm again evolves from the remaining primordial ooze and evolves into Al Gore, to re-invent the internet connections. To hasten things along, I recommend we just skip over the dinosaurs and that odd branch that ultimately developed into troglodytes like Jerry Falwell and James Dobson. Anyway, heed the weatherman’s warnings, the end is nigh.
I’ve heard these same weather reports for the past 10-15 years now. One or two inches of snow signifies a disaster on a level that no snow plow can defeat. When I was a youth, men were real men, women were real women, red meat and butter were good for you and the drugs and alcohol flowed freely. Yee-haw! But now, we must prepare for the end of Western Civilization as we know it, and get ready for a Road Warrior-esque future, where we live like savages but somehow drive ridiculously large and garish automobiles. I’ll work on getting my minivan all pimped out. I’ll remove the panel siding and put on huge, unnecessary furry raccoon tails. I’ll put in chrome pipes that don’t lead anywhere, too. Of course I’ll freeze my ass off, because this is Kentucky in the winter and not the desert outback of Australia. Or perhaps it will more of a future like Kevin Costner’s disastrous vehicle “The Postman”, where we all live in fear of a gang that talks a good game but can’t defeat a bunch of adolescents who have decided to fight back the only way they know how: BY DELIVERING THE MAIL!!!
*******************
Weather Service downgraded the apocalyptic storm headed our way today to an "advisory" instead of "warning". Whew! Western Civilization has dodged a bullet and lives for another day.
I'm disappointed. I was just signing up members of my gang that will fight for control this arctic wasteland. I didn't want to be the leader, because if some unkillable Mad Max hero type shows up, then I'd die in a violent episode. I'd rather be a lieutenant taking scouting reports to see if we want to team up with another gang or should we just raid them for food and women. If we team up, would it be a partnership, a joint venture, a merger or an acquisition? I'd be Director of Synergy Facilitation. I'd earn my gang moniker when we need people to just shovel snow. I'd be "The Plow". No?
Anyway, crisis averted. Armageddeon must wait. If it does happen soon and you want in to my gang, let me know via carrier pigeon or smoke signal. Using the drum to say "Hey dude, let me in to your gang" sounds too much like Led Zepplin's "Rock & Roll".
I’ve heard these same weather reports for the past 10-15 years now. One or two inches of snow signifies a disaster on a level that no snow plow can defeat. When I was a youth, men were real men, women were real women, red meat and butter were good for you and the drugs and alcohol flowed freely. Yee-haw! But now, we must prepare for the end of Western Civilization as we know it, and get ready for a Road Warrior-esque future, where we live like savages but somehow drive ridiculously large and garish automobiles. I’ll work on getting my minivan all pimped out. I’ll remove the panel siding and put on huge, unnecessary furry raccoon tails. I’ll put in chrome pipes that don’t lead anywhere, too. Of course I’ll freeze my ass off, because this is Kentucky in the winter and not the desert outback of Australia. Or perhaps it will more of a future like Kevin Costner’s disastrous vehicle “The Postman”, where we all live in fear of a gang that talks a good game but can’t defeat a bunch of adolescents who have decided to fight back the only way they know how: BY DELIVERING THE MAIL!!!
*******************
Weather Service downgraded the apocalyptic storm headed our way today to an "advisory" instead of "warning". Whew! Western Civilization has dodged a bullet and lives for another day.
I'm disappointed. I was just signing up members of my gang that will fight for control this arctic wasteland. I didn't want to be the leader, because if some unkillable Mad Max hero type shows up, then I'd die in a violent episode. I'd rather be a lieutenant taking scouting reports to see if we want to team up with another gang or should we just raid them for food and women. If we team up, would it be a partnership, a joint venture, a merger or an acquisition? I'd be Director of Synergy Facilitation. I'd earn my gang moniker when we need people to just shovel snow. I'd be "The Plow". No?
Anyway, crisis averted. Armageddeon must wait. If it does happen soon and you want in to my gang, let me know via carrier pigeon or smoke signal. Using the drum to say "Hey dude, let me in to your gang" sounds too much like Led Zepplin's "Rock & Roll".
Friday, October 29, 2010
America: Where every little boy wants to grow up to be something other than President
Palin told Mary Hart in an interview that she'd run for President "if there's no one else to do it."
Anyone want to be President? Anyone?..... Helloooo.... Who's gonna do this thing? Oh all right. I guess I'll do it. If I have to. Geez.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a commercial for some texting service a few years ago. There were these guys texting at a business seminar. Some guy was lecturing about “thinking outside the box” and he had a diagram on the whiteboard. “This is the box. We need to think here – outside of this box.” Then he went through some dynamic charade about “pushing the envelope”. The guys are texting how banal it was and where do you want to go for lunch. The kicker at the end was when the guy made a triangle out of his fingers and talked about “changing the paradigm”, except he pronounced it phonetically as “para-dig-em”. I never wanted to text so badly in my whole life.
I’m not a real fan of IM or texting. I’ve subscribed to a brand new e-service that’s similar. It’s just like instant messaging, except that you don’t have to type, you just speak and the other person doesn’t have to read, they can actually hear your voice in real time and respond. It’s really quite neat. I have a hand held device so I don’t even have to be at a computer to use it. Do you have that yet? When you get your e-voice communicator, contact my e-voice communicator. Alexander Graham Bell is so cutting edge.
+++++++++++++++++++
After campaigning as the “firewall” against the Democratics, the Republicans are trying to re-establish the “permanent Republican majority.” Yeah, one party rule seemed to work so well for the former Soviet Union. Small government is working so great in Haiti that the Reps want to do the same thing here. Gun control is non-existent in Somalia. Mixing religion and politics made Taliban controlled Afghanistan such a world player that the Republicans couldn’t help but envy their success. There are 300 million people in America. Half of them are below average. We call them “Republicans”. Need I go on?
+++++++++++++++++
I have to take continuing professional education. I thought the ethics book and test would be a quick hit-it-and-quit-it, but the book is 245 pages. I think that since my wife has to take ethics courses for her law license, and she reads like a rocket; she could read the book and take the test for me. It may be unethical, but I wouldn’t know since I didn’t read the book yet.
Hand me a cup of coffee, I’m turning into Wally from Dilbert.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Senator Coburn of Oklahoma is a leader in the fight to overturn the health care reform. At one of his town halls last year some woman was in tears because her husband’s insurance wouldn’t pay for needed therapy. Coburn said that she could contact his office individually, and that her neighbors should help her out. And he got applause. Coburn said that solutions don’t come from the government. Apparently not. They come from special favors and begging from your neighbors.
++++++++++++
I’m flabbergasted that someone like Ann Coulter can have a career doing anything more complicated than to sit behind a cash register making rude comments to non-Anglos. Who really takes her analysis seriously? Schadenfreude defined: When Ann Coulter is 60 and is just a mean old witch with 12 face lifts, I’m going to laugh and laugh and laugh.
Anyone want to be President? Anyone?..... Helloooo.... Who's gonna do this thing? Oh all right. I guess I'll do it. If I have to. Geez.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
There was a commercial for some texting service a few years ago. There were these guys texting at a business seminar. Some guy was lecturing about “thinking outside the box” and he had a diagram on the whiteboard. “This is the box. We need to think here – outside of this box.” Then he went through some dynamic charade about “pushing the envelope”. The guys are texting how banal it was and where do you want to go for lunch. The kicker at the end was when the guy made a triangle out of his fingers and talked about “changing the paradigm”, except he pronounced it phonetically as “para-dig-em”. I never wanted to text so badly in my whole life.
I’m not a real fan of IM or texting. I’ve subscribed to a brand new e-service that’s similar. It’s just like instant messaging, except that you don’t have to type, you just speak and the other person doesn’t have to read, they can actually hear your voice in real time and respond. It’s really quite neat. I have a hand held device so I don’t even have to be at a computer to use it. Do you have that yet? When you get your e-voice communicator, contact my e-voice communicator. Alexander Graham Bell is so cutting edge.
+++++++++++++++++++
After campaigning as the “firewall” against the Democratics, the Republicans are trying to re-establish the “permanent Republican majority.” Yeah, one party rule seemed to work so well for the former Soviet Union. Small government is working so great in Haiti that the Reps want to do the same thing here. Gun control is non-existent in Somalia. Mixing religion and politics made Taliban controlled Afghanistan such a world player that the Republicans couldn’t help but envy their success. There are 300 million people in America. Half of them are below average. We call them “Republicans”. Need I go on?
+++++++++++++++++
I have to take continuing professional education. I thought the ethics book and test would be a quick hit-it-and-quit-it, but the book is 245 pages. I think that since my wife has to take ethics courses for her law license, and she reads like a rocket; she could read the book and take the test for me. It may be unethical, but I wouldn’t know since I didn’t read the book yet.
Hand me a cup of coffee, I’m turning into Wally from Dilbert.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Senator Coburn of Oklahoma is a leader in the fight to overturn the health care reform. At one of his town halls last year some woman was in tears because her husband’s insurance wouldn’t pay for needed therapy. Coburn said that she could contact his office individually, and that her neighbors should help her out. And he got applause. Coburn said that solutions don’t come from the government. Apparently not. They come from special favors and begging from your neighbors.
++++++++++++
I’m flabbergasted that someone like Ann Coulter can have a career doing anything more complicated than to sit behind a cash register making rude comments to non-Anglos. Who really takes her analysis seriously? Schadenfreude defined: When Ann Coulter is 60 and is just a mean old witch with 12 face lifts, I’m going to laugh and laugh and laugh.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Discredit where discredit is due
The US Chamber of Commerce has been sponsoring a bunch of anti-Obama ads. Obama has been publicly accusing the Chamber of being sponsored by foreign corporations. The fact checking people found that a small part of the Chamber's funding does come from multinational and foreign countries with business inside the US. The Chamber says that they keep the foreign money separate from domestic somehow. But money is fungible, and merely keeping separate pools of funds only means that you add to one pool to free up money for another pool. But that's all academic, since the Chamber of Commerce doesn't have to disclose any of its finances. So there's no proof.
So the fact checking people asked the White House spokesman how he could make the charge that foreign companies are intervening in US politics, given that there is no proof. He said "Do you have any proof that they AREN'T?"
What kind of BS response is that? I will not pull my punches because he's not a Republican. No one is supposed to make a baseless accusation, and then back it up with more groundless fear-mongering. We endured eight years of a whole different set of morons in the White House and an election season that lasted two and a half years in order to get the same kind of arrogant BS?
*********************
The women in the office were discussing "Sex In The City 2". I never watched the first movie and only 2 minutes of the show - enough to know it was biased against my demographic. It was derogatory to men in the exact same way that gets women all riled up when a show demeans them. But women think that the rules of objectification don't apply to them. Anyway, the only man in that show that gets a place at the table is "Mr. Big". He's a handsome, rich executive who is also apparently well endowed. And even then, he's disrespected routinely by Sarah Jessica Parker (who only women think is hot).
Yet, I was the only one in the office who knew that his real name is "John".
On that note, though, I also am aware that the Skipper's real name is Jonas Barnaby, the Professor's was Roy Hinkley, and Gilligan's first name was Willy.
Wilma Slaghoople became Wilma Flintstone. Betty Rubble was born Betty Jean McBricker. But I did research on those.
So the fact checking people asked the White House spokesman how he could make the charge that foreign companies are intervening in US politics, given that there is no proof. He said "Do you have any proof that they AREN'T?"
What kind of BS response is that? I will not pull my punches because he's not a Republican. No one is supposed to make a baseless accusation, and then back it up with more groundless fear-mongering. We endured eight years of a whole different set of morons in the White House and an election season that lasted two and a half years in order to get the same kind of arrogant BS?
*********************
The women in the office were discussing "Sex In The City 2". I never watched the first movie and only 2 minutes of the show - enough to know it was biased against my demographic. It was derogatory to men in the exact same way that gets women all riled up when a show demeans them. But women think that the rules of objectification don't apply to them. Anyway, the only man in that show that gets a place at the table is "Mr. Big". He's a handsome, rich executive who is also apparently well endowed. And even then, he's disrespected routinely by Sarah Jessica Parker (who only women think is hot).
Yet, I was the only one in the office who knew that his real name is "John".
On that note, though, I also am aware that the Skipper's real name is Jonas Barnaby, the Professor's was Roy Hinkley, and Gilligan's first name was Willy.
Wilma Slaghoople became Wilma Flintstone. Betty Rubble was born Betty Jean McBricker. But I did research on those.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Gripes - made with REAL wrath!
I've been seeing bold statements on soft drinks "Made with REAL sugar!" SoBe and Mountain Dew, for instance. Mountain Doo even went retro with the label to go back to before they used corn syrup. Except the old one didn't boast the sugar content like it was some kind of healthy additive.
********************
I saw "Drag Me To Hell", directed by Sam Rami. This was not the upscale Sam Rami that did the Spiderman franchise. This was the Sam Rami that did Evil Dead 2 and 3. These two Sam Ramis inhabit the same body, but the difference in the type of movies that they make aren't even in the same universe. The plot starts when a female loan officer doesn't give a 3rd extension on a mortgage to a gypsy woman. Wait, gypsies have mortgages? Anyway, the old gypsy cursed this chick, and she goes through trials and tribulations to avoid getting dragged to hell. But she was just doing her job - and apparently the gypsy didn't lose the house anyway, because her family was still there throughout the movie. The gypsy woman herself died, but that didn't stop the bank chick from having to fight her vomiting corpse like 5 times.
The cursed girl's boyfriend was played by the guy who is the "Mac" in the "Mac vs PC" commercials. His obvious lack of acting ability doesn't shine through as loudly in a 30 second spot when he's portraying an inanimate object's imagined personna. But cast him as a human being and he flops.
And in the end, she gets dragged to hell anyway.
************************************
I can't believe that my wife got "Pineapple Express" from Netflix. Two guys talk all stoned for an hour & 45 and it culminates with a gunfight, and explosion and "I love you, man!" Not surprisingly, she fell asleep halfway through.
************************************
I saw "The Incredible Hulk" part 2, but it didn't say "part 2". It was the one with Ed Norton. The movie was entirely predictable until the end, when in walks - - - Iron Man! Well, not Iron Man, but Tony Stark. Actually, it was Robert Downey, Jr.. Essentially, I read it as an admission that Marvel can not continue to carry a movie franchise based solely on "Hulk smash!" So watch for a superhero cross-contamination coming to a theatre near you. Maybe they'll throw in Captain America, Thor, a few X-men and that "Shazam" guy, too.
********************
I saw "Drag Me To Hell", directed by Sam Rami. This was not the upscale Sam Rami that did the Spiderman franchise. This was the Sam Rami that did Evil Dead 2 and 3. These two Sam Ramis inhabit the same body, but the difference in the type of movies that they make aren't even in the same universe. The plot starts when a female loan officer doesn't give a 3rd extension on a mortgage to a gypsy woman. Wait, gypsies have mortgages? Anyway, the old gypsy cursed this chick, and she goes through trials and tribulations to avoid getting dragged to hell. But she was just doing her job - and apparently the gypsy didn't lose the house anyway, because her family was still there throughout the movie. The gypsy woman herself died, but that didn't stop the bank chick from having to fight her vomiting corpse like 5 times.
The cursed girl's boyfriend was played by the guy who is the "Mac" in the "Mac vs PC" commercials. His obvious lack of acting ability doesn't shine through as loudly in a 30 second spot when he's portraying an inanimate object's imagined personna. But cast him as a human being and he flops.
And in the end, she gets dragged to hell anyway.
************************************
I can't believe that my wife got "Pineapple Express" from Netflix. Two guys talk all stoned for an hour & 45 and it culminates with a gunfight, and explosion and "I love you, man!" Not surprisingly, she fell asleep halfway through.
************************************
I saw "The Incredible Hulk" part 2, but it didn't say "part 2". It was the one with Ed Norton. The movie was entirely predictable until the end, when in walks - - - Iron Man! Well, not Iron Man, but Tony Stark. Actually, it was Robert Downey, Jr.. Essentially, I read it as an admission that Marvel can not continue to carry a movie franchise based solely on "Hulk smash!" So watch for a superhero cross-contamination coming to a theatre near you. Maybe they'll throw in Captain America, Thor, a few X-men and that "Shazam" guy, too.
Running and Republican rants
I have to regale you with how awesome I am. I did a test run around my neighborhood to see how I would fare in the upcoming 5K. I'm not rested enough to be in "race shape", nor have I really been practicing my speed as much as I should. But, I broke my record. A long time ago, I did my neighborhood loop in 21:12. I don't know exactly when, and it has made me think that perhaps this time was a more of a myth or a misrecollection than the truth. No matter, because now my record stands at 20:52. At the 5K mark, I was also ahead of my PR, set last August. So I'm awesome, no?
**********************************
A while ago, conservative columnist Cal Thomas compared the circuit court's overturning of the imfamous California Proposition 8 against gay marriage to Julius Ceasar's poer to give a thumbs up or down to gladiators at the "Coliseum". There is a Coliseum in modern Los Angeles, but in Rome, there is a "Collusseum". Julius Ceasar was also killed in 44 BC. The Collusseum was built in 70 AD. Why should Cal let facts get in the way of a hackneyed analogy?
******************************
So Elana Kagan is now doing her job on the Supreme Court, and yet the entire country is not being overrun by hippie peaceniks, Communists or Islamic terrorists. She got confirmed despite the best efforts of the Republicans and their trash talk. Their angle was to take it as a given that her mentor Thorgood Marshall was a menace to America. That only works in those elite, exclusive Republican smoking chambers. To everyone else, Marshall was an American historical figure who died with a sterling reputation 17 years ago. For their next trick, Republicans should try tarnishing that Paul Revere a$$hole for waking up half the city one night.
************************
Speaking of noise, you know those guys with the huge woofers in their cars and booming bass that you can feel in your chest a mile and a half down the road? I always shut off my own music when they come because theirs is so much better. Yesterday I drove 20 minutes out of my way to keep up with this dude because I got hooked on the kickin' beat. Thank you, oh thank you Mr. Boom-boom, for sharing your sweet music with me and the world!
**********************************
A while ago, conservative columnist Cal Thomas compared the circuit court's overturning of the imfamous California Proposition 8 against gay marriage to Julius Ceasar's poer to give a thumbs up or down to gladiators at the "Coliseum". There is a Coliseum in modern Los Angeles, but in Rome, there is a "Collusseum". Julius Ceasar was also killed in 44 BC. The Collusseum was built in 70 AD. Why should Cal let facts get in the way of a hackneyed analogy?
******************************
So Elana Kagan is now doing her job on the Supreme Court, and yet the entire country is not being overrun by hippie peaceniks, Communists or Islamic terrorists. She got confirmed despite the best efforts of the Republicans and their trash talk. Their angle was to take it as a given that her mentor Thorgood Marshall was a menace to America. That only works in those elite, exclusive Republican smoking chambers. To everyone else, Marshall was an American historical figure who died with a sterling reputation 17 years ago. For their next trick, Republicans should try tarnishing that Paul Revere a$$hole for waking up half the city one night.
************************
Speaking of noise, you know those guys with the huge woofers in their cars and booming bass that you can feel in your chest a mile and a half down the road? I always shut off my own music when they come because theirs is so much better. Yesterday I drove 20 minutes out of my way to keep up with this dude because I got hooked on the kickin' beat. Thank you, oh thank you Mr. Boom-boom, for sharing your sweet music with me and the world!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Taking back America, and Iron Man saves the Gulf of Mexico
Some rock guys at concerts hold the microphone out to the crowd and want you to sing it. That's pretty nervy of them not doing their job. Then they're never satisfied and always demand that you should shout it louder. Then they want you to clap to keep the beat so the drummer can hit the bathroom. Then comes the obligatory song complaining that life on the road is so tough. Those guys should be punched.
******************
I'm going to become a Tea Partier to restore America to its earliest principles. Back before "under God" was unconstitutionally inserted into the Pledge of Allegiance in the 50s. Back before women could vote (sorry, Sarah Palin, there goes your voter base). There should only be 13 states. What is it with these 37 wanna be's? That's not REAL America. And the kids today and their crazy hair! Don't they know the value of a well placed powdered wig? I'm sick of it! I want to take back the country that existed a century and a half before my birth!
*****************
I saw Iron Man 2 last night. Wildly impossible. Tony Stark saves the day because in 1974, his father (now dead) put something weird in a model of a proposed city of the future. Tony interpreted this message to mean "invent a new element". So he does - inside of 48 hours. Bad guy dies. Good thing that Iron Man's key to victory didn't involve something really hard like "invent a cure for the common cold". Because then he'd have been toast.
****************
New superhero: Ironicman!
He flies to the Gulf of Mexico to clean the BP spill. "Oil, oil everywhere, nor any drop to lubricate my joints!" Says he.
From a nearby ship: "You said it, Ironicman!"
"No, seriously, I'm rusting here."
Another voice from the ship: "He came to help, but he's the one who needs saving! How ironic!"
"Goin' down, guys!"
First voice from the ship: "He's a shiny spot in a sea of dull, black sludge! How ironic!"
Second voice: "No, that's merely juxtaposition of apparent opposites."
Ironicman: "Can't move, can't float!"
First voice: "So a black fly in chardonnay isn't irony?"
Second voice: "Not unless you're toasting the successful fumigation of your vinyard."
Ironicman: Blubb blubb...b
First and second voices: "Ha ha! That Ironicman!"
********************************
This Julia Roberts movie "Eat, Pray, Love" seems to get good reviews. The sequel is the tequilla thing "Lick, Chug, Suck". I'd actually be interested in a movie about chicks doing shots of Cuervo for 90 minutes.
No, on second thought, it'd probably turn out like an episode of "Jersey Shore".
******************
I'm going to become a Tea Partier to restore America to its earliest principles. Back before "under God" was unconstitutionally inserted into the Pledge of Allegiance in the 50s. Back before women could vote (sorry, Sarah Palin, there goes your voter base). There should only be 13 states. What is it with these 37 wanna be's? That's not REAL America. And the kids today and their crazy hair! Don't they know the value of a well placed powdered wig? I'm sick of it! I want to take back the country that existed a century and a half before my birth!
*****************
I saw Iron Man 2 last night. Wildly impossible. Tony Stark saves the day because in 1974, his father (now dead) put something weird in a model of a proposed city of the future. Tony interpreted this message to mean "invent a new element". So he does - inside of 48 hours. Bad guy dies. Good thing that Iron Man's key to victory didn't involve something really hard like "invent a cure for the common cold". Because then he'd have been toast.
****************
New superhero: Ironicman!
He flies to the Gulf of Mexico to clean the BP spill. "Oil, oil everywhere, nor any drop to lubricate my joints!" Says he.
From a nearby ship: "You said it, Ironicman!"
"No, seriously, I'm rusting here."
Another voice from the ship: "He came to help, but he's the one who needs saving! How ironic!"
"Goin' down, guys!"
First voice from the ship: "He's a shiny spot in a sea of dull, black sludge! How ironic!"
Second voice: "No, that's merely juxtaposition of apparent opposites."
Ironicman: "Can't move, can't float!"
First voice: "So a black fly in chardonnay isn't irony?"
Second voice: "Not unless you're toasting the successful fumigation of your vinyard."
Ironicman: Blubb blubb...b
First and second voices: "Ha ha! That Ironicman!"
********************************
This Julia Roberts movie "Eat, Pray, Love" seems to get good reviews. The sequel is the tequilla thing "Lick, Chug, Suck". I'd actually be interested in a movie about chicks doing shots of Cuervo for 90 minutes.
No, on second thought, it'd probably turn out like an episode of "Jersey Shore".
Monday, September 27, 2010
Garfield couldn't get elected dog catcher
Many people think Garfield is "loveable". I decided to model my behavior after him. I'll be sullen, lazy and openly contemptuous. My wildly undeserved ego will win me many friends at work. Being disrespectful and rude will open up my social prospects tremendously. I'll totally rock the "loveable" thing. Totally.
Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.
********
That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.
So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.
*********
Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".
If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.
There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.
Actually, I already do most of that stuff and I couldn't get elected dog catcher in this town.
********
That's not a bad idea, really. I'm going to give up my quest to get on the local school board and I'll get elected dog catcher. With the school board, I'd eventually be called upon to say something about education, and it's a well known fact that learning stuff is un-sexy.
So I'm out campaigning to be elected dog catcher because really, when was the last time those guys actually patrolled neighborhoods in a van, armed with comical nets? I'll spend my work hours hanging with the milkman and the guy who tends the pay phones. We'll be facebook friends with the Maytag repair dude.
*********
Using the same threadbare tactic as the Republican "Contract with America" and various iterations since then, I'll lay out my "Pact of Political Partisanship".
If elected I will:
1. Find common ground with my political rivals - but I'll vote against them and spin it to my advantage.
2. Be willing to compromise - but relentlessly push my party's agenda anyway.
3. Salute the flag, and like, patriotic sounding stuff.
4. Fulfil your wildest fantasies and more.
5. My campaign manager said I should include something about dogs.
There ya have it. Sure fire methods for beating Theo Therguy in this merciless, no-holds-barred election.
New Vampire Flick Script
I just wrote a script for a teen vampire flick, because no one ever thought of that before. I call it "Equinox", not to be confused with any other vampire flick named for astrological insignifica.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Hed: I'm really miserable.
Dumbella: But you're really hot!
Hed: Beauty is fleeting.
Dumbella: Not for you, because you live forever. Bite me and never shall we part.
Hed: No! You don't want this!
Dumbella: Why? Is it lonely?
Hed: I have a tight family.
Dumbella: Other than that, is it lonely?
Hed: I actually have miserable vamp friends all over the world.
Dumbella: But us humans must hate you.
Hed: No, we've been living amongst you for a hundred years. No one seems to catch on.
Dumbella: The sunlight can kill you, right?
Hed: No, we sparkle in the sun. It would be really cool if it weren't so miserable.
Dumbella: And you scrounge for your meals. That's sad.
Hed: Actually we're fabulously wealthy and we don't have to work a day in our lives. Our undead, miserable lives, that is.
Dumbella: So you're like people except... ?
Hed: Super powers.
Dumbella: Rich, attractive, friends, family, superpowers, eternal youth. What's the downside?
Hed: It's miserable.
Dumbella: Bite me!
Hed: No.
Dumbella: Why?
Hed: You're boring. If I turn you vamp, your boringness will increase until you make Mary Worth look exciting. The very air will crackle with your borinitude.
Dumbella: Well, if I'm the most boring thing ever, wouldn't that be a bit cool?
Hed: Your brand of boring still couldn't hold a candle to a morning spent waiting in line at the DMV. Don't overrate yourself.
Dumbella: I can't win for losing.
Hed: I never understood that expression until just now.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Kudos and boos to Republicans - but mostly boos.
Kudos to Reps for rightly tasking one of their own. Michael Steele demeaned the war effort in Afghanistan clearly because his nemesis supports it. Congressional conservatives have been whacking him as hard as they would if Steele had been a Dem. True, most of them are looking for a reason to fire Steele. But, y'know, that's like,... politics.
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
++++++++++++++++++
Rush Limbaugh's new wife is perfectly fine. Rush said of Al Gore that divorce effectively doubles your carbon footprint, so he's obviously getting married to halve his carbon output. Of course, leaving three ex-wives out there means that his footprint isn't really going to have that math, but he's a conservative where divorce, personal failing and pollution don't count.
I'm sure that she finds him a warm and caring sensitive individual and it has nothing to do with his money. I'm sure that he has finally found his lifelong companion and soul mate and had nothing to do with the fact that he's 59 and she's 33.
++++++++++++++++++++
Sorry that I have been off at blogging for so long as not to have had a lot to say about that entirely blog worthy oil spill.
At its height, Sarah Palin appeared on the O'Rielley (non) Factor. He said "You obviously disagree with how Obama handled the oil spill, what would you do?" After a deer-in-the-headlights moment or three: "Ask the Dutch. They ahve years of experience plugging dykes." Hilarious. Then she became adamant about someone not returning phone calls or something, though non-contact was a frequent complaint against her administration in Alaska.
+++++++++++++++++
The deep water oil exploration ban for new rigs is getting a ton of flak from Louisiana. Gov. Bobby Jindal said that it is killing thousands of jobs in his state. How many rigs are affected? 33. How many deep water rigs exist and are not affected? Three thousand.
Then there's all this talk about how oil companies will shift those jobs overseas. No. The oil is still sitting there in the Gulf. If Shell decides to drill off the coast of Asia instead of in the Gulf, that Gulf oil is still there. Those jobs WILL be there after the moratorim.
++++++++++++++++++++
And the cause for the spill, though undetermined, seems to have sprung from a culture where cutting corners was permitted. There hadn't been a major blowout in 30 years, so there won't ever be one again! That's the same logic as "Home prices never go down, so every house is a great investment!" Worked spectacularly well back then, too.
++++++
So who are all these idiots who say they're being forced to buy health insurance that they don't want? Are they the a$$holes who don't insure their cars, get into accidents, show up at the hospiatal and expect someone else to foot the bill?
Reviews: Book that you will never read and music you will never listen to
I listened to Kate Bush's CD "Aerial", in which she sings passionately about her washing machine and also sings the number Pi out to 112 decimal places. Take that, Weird Al Yankovic! Kate Bush is impervious to your sophmoric parodies. Ha!
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++
So I wanted to read something upscale, Like William Faulkner. I also read the entire Bible and the entire US Constitution and Amendments. Why? To wave around in other people's faces, really. You'd be surprised how infrequently the occasion arises and I gain credibility even less often than that. So I chose the shortest of Faulkner's novels, which was "As I Lay Dying". The story is conveyed as a series of narratives, each 2-3 pages long, from various characters in the action. It's a given that every time I start, I'm interrupted by kids or wife or phone or doorbell, so I thought that it would be a good fit for my lifestyle.
So far, this is my 11th attempt to read, and I finished about 5 of these mini-testimonies. So far I gather that there's this lady and she's dying.
++++++++++++++++++++
I finally got the time in to read "As I Lay Dying". Not much happens throughout the whole novel. Not much happens. If it were not told from multiple, rapidly changing perspectives, it would be impossibly dull. With this literary gimmick, it is still dull, just dull within the realm of the physically possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Celtic Woman is coming to Lexington. Woo hoo. They're a band. It's not one woman, it's like 4-6 women, like "The Lone Rangers". I got thier 2009 "Best-of" disc from the library. Their discography is a debut CD, the obligatory Christmas CD and their Greatest Hits. How much are they really adding to the cumulative musical lexicon by adding yet another rendition of "Oh Danny Boy"? Anyway, the same picture of the Celtic Woman is on the cover of all their CDs, but not in the photos of the actual singers. Why is that?
At least Celtic Woman sings Celtic songs, unlike Celtic Thunder, that doesn't (and isn't thunderous, either). Do all Celtic vocal acts need the name "Celtic" in their name to announce their musical style? I don't know. Go ask Metallica.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
ONE fanatic backs down - and I stand amazed.
Reverend Jones in Florida wanted to burn a stack of Korans (he kept spelling them with a "Qu" just to confuse the issue). He DIDN'T because the Muslim Imam asked "What would Jesus do?"
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
Wow, that's right. Jesus would NOT light sacred books on fire. Although Jesus predates the Koran, he was aware of fire, and did not ignite any other sacred texts, Roman, Greek, Hindu or otherwise that did not concur with his teaching.
The Islamic world, to display their true compassionate and tolerant nature, will continue to target all Americans as co-conspirators in this non-burning of their spiritual text, although it has been actively denounced in straighforward language by almost every conservative outlet imaginable, including my own church this very afternoon.
A related issue = why did the media elevate this one guy with a congregation of 50 - and dropping - to world-wide headline status?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I call BS on McConnell
Yeah, this is going to be another political diatribe.
Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee looks like she's in. Much to the chagrin of master game player Mitch McConnell. There have been hundreds of appellate court judgeships open - and to be fair, this situation has existed from some time in the Clinton era and probably a long time prior.
Anyway, two senators from opposite sides of the aisle appealed to their bretheren to call a vote on two in particular for their state. One prospective judge was unanimously approved by the Judicial Committee and one was approved 18-1. Mitch McConnell said that he was not going to allow a vote to confirm them because Obama used the recess appointment rule to put some non-judges to work in completely unrelated matters.
Reagan and both Bushes used recess appointments heavily and this practice never bothered McConnell. But he did seem very upset about 4 years ago when the Democrats were in the minority and were holding up several prospective justices that were not nearly as well received as these currently up. I believe the rallying cry was "Up or down vote! Up or down vote!" Shoe's turned the opposite table now, eh, Mr. McConnell?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The pro-choice groups are upset because Obama promised not to allow federal funds to be used for abortions in the new program for high risk individuals that can't get insurance elsewhere. He's making good on that promise. But that doesn't give him the slightest headway with the anti-choice crowd. They hate Obama no matter what he does. When he caves in to their pressure, they win because the law ban abortions. Not content with that victory, they also say that the law actually permits abortions to get more contributions. The conservatives get away with blatantly false lies and Obama gets slammed from both sides.
It's amazing to me how much he gets beaten on no matter what he does. He delays sending troops to Afghanistan - and the Republicans are all over him. He sends troops, and they complain that the deficit is too high. Republicans complain about big government but then complain that Obama didn't do enough big government things to mitigate the oil spill. So he imposes a drilling moratorium. But then that's government interference again. I feel bad for his chances in 2012.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was thinking that if Palin does win the Rep nomination in 2 years, Obama has a good shot at a second term no matter how beaten he looks today.
I saw Palin's "Mama Grizzly" video with an industrial strength barf-bag at the ready. Since she's not officially running for anything, it's really akin to the self indulgent me-fest like Lebron James, except mercifully briefer.
Despite is shorter run time, she still manages to call herself a grizzly, a pink elephant and a pit bull. I gathered that it was some sort of bizarre Chimera-beast personna, but it's adamantly female. In her virtually content-free rant, she uses the grizzly as a metaphor because mama grizzlies "know when something is wrong". This apparently substitutes for meaningful policy discourse in the Palin household.
Mama grizzlies are also notorious for attacking innocent hikers that pose no threat. She also points out that mother grizzlies "rear up on their hind legs". But she's not a skilled enough hunter to know that you shoot a bear when it rears up, because then it's most vulnerable. She's also not literate enough to know that most Democrats have been walking on two legs for three million years. Nor does she get that the "pink elephant" is code for hallucinations experienced in delerium tremens resulting from severe alcohol withdrawal.
... and a female pit bull is still a bitch.
Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee looks like she's in. Much to the chagrin of master game player Mitch McConnell. There have been hundreds of appellate court judgeships open - and to be fair, this situation has existed from some time in the Clinton era and probably a long time prior.
Anyway, two senators from opposite sides of the aisle appealed to their bretheren to call a vote on two in particular for their state. One prospective judge was unanimously approved by the Judicial Committee and one was approved 18-1. Mitch McConnell said that he was not going to allow a vote to confirm them because Obama used the recess appointment rule to put some non-judges to work in completely unrelated matters.
Reagan and both Bushes used recess appointments heavily and this practice never bothered McConnell. But he did seem very upset about 4 years ago when the Democrats were in the minority and were holding up several prospective justices that were not nearly as well received as these currently up. I believe the rallying cry was "Up or down vote! Up or down vote!" Shoe's turned the opposite table now, eh, Mr. McConnell?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The pro-choice groups are upset because Obama promised not to allow federal funds to be used for abortions in the new program for high risk individuals that can't get insurance elsewhere. He's making good on that promise. But that doesn't give him the slightest headway with the anti-choice crowd. They hate Obama no matter what he does. When he caves in to their pressure, they win because the law ban abortions. Not content with that victory, they also say that the law actually permits abortions to get more contributions. The conservatives get away with blatantly false lies and Obama gets slammed from both sides.
It's amazing to me how much he gets beaten on no matter what he does. He delays sending troops to Afghanistan - and the Republicans are all over him. He sends troops, and they complain that the deficit is too high. Republicans complain about big government but then complain that Obama didn't do enough big government things to mitigate the oil spill. So he imposes a drilling moratorium. But then that's government interference again. I feel bad for his chances in 2012.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was thinking that if Palin does win the Rep nomination in 2 years, Obama has a good shot at a second term no matter how beaten he looks today.
I saw Palin's "Mama Grizzly" video with an industrial strength barf-bag at the ready. Since she's not officially running for anything, it's really akin to the self indulgent me-fest like Lebron James, except mercifully briefer.
Despite is shorter run time, she still manages to call herself a grizzly, a pink elephant and a pit bull. I gathered that it was some sort of bizarre Chimera-beast personna, but it's adamantly female. In her virtually content-free rant, she uses the grizzly as a metaphor because mama grizzlies "know when something is wrong". This apparently substitutes for meaningful policy discourse in the Palin household.
Mama grizzlies are also notorious for attacking innocent hikers that pose no threat. She also points out that mother grizzlies "rear up on their hind legs". But she's not a skilled enough hunter to know that you shoot a bear when it rears up, because then it's most vulnerable. She's also not literate enough to know that most Democrats have been walking on two legs for three million years. Nor does she get that the "pink elephant" is code for hallucinations experienced in delerium tremens resulting from severe alcohol withdrawal.
... and a female pit bull is still a bitch.
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Marmaduke movie is the sign of the apocalypse.
Temperature is a very silent factor when you run. When it is comfortable before you start, that means that it will be too hot when you’re a few miles in. It should be a little cold. 50-60 F is the optimum temperature range for running. That seems cold to me, but my experience is right in line.
+++++++++
So as I was thinking that it was hot in my office today, an email came in to tell me that it was hot in the office today. Apparently, the heating and air conditioning systems are duking it out for supremacy. Right now, Team Heat is up by 7 points, but if Freeze Meister scores a touchdown, they could tie it – and if they go for two, they could possibly even pull ahead. Well, you know what they say about state workers and HVAC systems.
… And since you know, maybe you could tell me.
+++++++++++++++
The Mayans predicted the world will end on 12/21/2012. Some Christian people take this seriously, thus sacrilegiously embracing a pagan religious prophecy. If they are atheist, then why do they have faith in this ancient myth? But horoscopes run in newspapers every day without comment.
On the other hand, the Mayan culture is dead. Predictions by dead, ancient cultures are always true! All those movies couldn’t have lied to us! A doomsday prophecy from the Hindus is barely worth a chuckle, since the Hindus are still popular in India. They made the mistake of not dying first.
There’s nothing in Mayan lore about it really being the end of time. It’s more like Mayan Y2K. The whole thing involves the Sun crossing the Galactic equator. It is no small feat to calculate that because you can’t see the Milky Way and the Sun simultaneously. The Mayans also thought that the world was flat and gods roamed the sky in ethereal canoes. But the Mayans sometimes reference the Milky Way as a giant vagina. And when you have a mythos like this, how could you possibly be wrong about the apocalypse?
+++++++++++++
Do you find it ironic that gay people can’t get married in laid-back, swingin’ California, but they can in red-meat Iowa?
++++++++++++++++
I’ve been listening to some Pavarotti CDs. His voice is really great, but the arrangements are awful. He’s half-heartedly trying to be both pop and opera (popera?), and failing at both. If you want good Italian opera, try Andrea Bocelli.
+++++++++
Jessica Biel thinks her career is being hurt by the fact that she’s too good looking. Yeah. I agree. Normally, actresses are butt-ugly. What? Hollywood is full of hotties? Ok, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
+++++++++++++++++++
Exciting times in Rex Morgan! He’s about to see his first patient since 2006! In Apartment 3G one of the girls broke up with a boring boyfriend. Mary Worth is just warming up in another meddlerama with an old friend that she’s never mentioned before. Mark Trail is on the case of criminals lurking deep in forests. Garfield is either hungry or sleepy. Marmaduke does dog stuff while humans say banal things – but he’s still a BIG DOG. Let's get him a movie deal.
+++++++++
So as I was thinking that it was hot in my office today, an email came in to tell me that it was hot in the office today. Apparently, the heating and air conditioning systems are duking it out for supremacy. Right now, Team Heat is up by 7 points, but if Freeze Meister scores a touchdown, they could tie it – and if they go for two, they could possibly even pull ahead. Well, you know what they say about state workers and HVAC systems.
… And since you know, maybe you could tell me.
+++++++++++++++
The Mayans predicted the world will end on 12/21/2012. Some Christian people take this seriously, thus sacrilegiously embracing a pagan religious prophecy. If they are atheist, then why do they have faith in this ancient myth? But horoscopes run in newspapers every day without comment.
On the other hand, the Mayan culture is dead. Predictions by dead, ancient cultures are always true! All those movies couldn’t have lied to us! A doomsday prophecy from the Hindus is barely worth a chuckle, since the Hindus are still popular in India. They made the mistake of not dying first.
There’s nothing in Mayan lore about it really being the end of time. It’s more like Mayan Y2K. The whole thing involves the Sun crossing the Galactic equator. It is no small feat to calculate that because you can’t see the Milky Way and the Sun simultaneously. The Mayans also thought that the world was flat and gods roamed the sky in ethereal canoes. But the Mayans sometimes reference the Milky Way as a giant vagina. And when you have a mythos like this, how could you possibly be wrong about the apocalypse?
+++++++++++++
Do you find it ironic that gay people can’t get married in laid-back, swingin’ California, but they can in red-meat Iowa?
++++++++++++++++
I’ve been listening to some Pavarotti CDs. His voice is really great, but the arrangements are awful. He’s half-heartedly trying to be both pop and opera (popera?), and failing at both. If you want good Italian opera, try Andrea Bocelli.
+++++++++
Jessica Biel thinks her career is being hurt by the fact that she’s too good looking. Yeah. I agree. Normally, actresses are butt-ugly. What? Hollywood is full of hotties? Ok, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
+++++++++++++++++++
Exciting times in Rex Morgan! He’s about to see his first patient since 2006! In Apartment 3G one of the girls broke up with a boring boyfriend. Mary Worth is just warming up in another meddlerama with an old friend that she’s never mentioned before. Mark Trail is on the case of criminals lurking deep in forests. Garfield is either hungry or sleepy. Marmaduke does dog stuff while humans say banal things – but he’s still a BIG DOG. Let's get him a movie deal.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Politics, from the national to international to the local to the theoretical
Sarah Palin has never spoken on a formal level. Sure, it’s nice to see an official who has a human side, some would say “folksy” – I could do without all the winking, though. But what is she going to do when speaking to congress about something of grave importance? “C’mon, Warshington! Gimme th’ war powers act. Doncha wanna go shoot some Iranians? You betcha! *wink*” Damn, I hate that woman.
Nancy Pelosi makes me cringe every time she shows up on the news, too.
++++++++++++++
The few times that I’ve listened to idiots like Rush and Sean, they take an almost innocuous statement and twist some evil meaning to it. Let’s try this at home:
Obama: The United States needs to actively engage in the peace process between Netanyahu and Mahmud Abbas.
Hannity: See, using the word “engage” in connection with the two men is obviously liberal code for “promote gay marriage internationally”. It’s a Trojan Horse.
Limbaugh: Folks, he’s connecting the United States’ great name to this abomination.
Hannity: Disgusting!
+++++++++
Democracy is overrated. At least in other countries. Singapore and Saudi Arabia are dictatorships, but they are friendly dictatorships to us and to their people. China, isn’t free, but they’re better to their people than some democracies. Iran went from a dictatorship that like the US to a democracy that hates the US. Palestine elected terrorists to government. They’re not thanking the US for the chance to vote. South and Central America have produced a new generation of democratically elected leaders who are not friendly to the interests of the United States.
I know I’m supposed to care if people around the world are truly free, but I can’t get that worked up about it. I hate what is happening in North Korea or Myanmar, but the quasi-free states are so numerous and vast that you could never get around to fixing them all.
++++++++++++
Kentucky has the longest river named after a state to be completely contained within that state. Yes, the longest south-to-north flowing river to be named after a state and contained within that state while flowing through the capitol of that state is right here in Kentucky. Get your camera ready.
Our tourism industry revolves around horses. The state motto is “Unbridled Spirit”, and horse logos abound. I thought “Unbridled Spirit” was too subtle. I would have nominated “Hey, Everybody, We’ve Got HORSES Over Here!” If that doesn’t immediately attract a dozen or two biotech firms to locate in-state, nothing will.
We have the largest floral clock right here in Frankfort, KY (by weight and volume). Verifiable, accurate, objective evidence. We don’t just go making up stuff like you big city egocentric big shots. “Come to see the Secretariat’s Grave! Stay for the favorable corporate tax rates!”
Maybe what turns off high tech is our enthusiastic corn holing. Every BBQ that I go to, there’s a couple of corn holers going at it. They have corn hole groups and teams and leagues here in KY. When the summer comes around, everyone loves to get out the corn hole equipment. If you don’t think that’s the reason, Google “cornholing” with your safe search turned off.
If I wanted to push it, I’d also mention that KY is the kind of lubricant used in the dirtier interpretation of “corn hole”. And, did you know that you can’t spell “Kentucky” without c, u, n and t. But, what do you expect from a state that has a park named “Big Bone Lick”? Or is that a stretch for a punchline?
Republicans argue against gambling at racetracks are religious zealots backed by Indian reservations. Their argument is that Kentucky families will gamble away their life savings one quarter at a time. I find that really difficult to swallow, since just a few feet away, you can gamble it away on the horses thousands of dollars at a time. It’s like legalizing heroin, but then banning tobacco, citing health concerns. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass if it is a sin. Tax the holy hell out of them and reduce the burden for us pious folk.
Nancy Pelosi makes me cringe every time she shows up on the news, too.
++++++++++++++
The few times that I’ve listened to idiots like Rush and Sean, they take an almost innocuous statement and twist some evil meaning to it. Let’s try this at home:
Obama: The United States needs to actively engage in the peace process between Netanyahu and Mahmud Abbas.
Hannity: See, using the word “engage” in connection with the two men is obviously liberal code for “promote gay marriage internationally”. It’s a Trojan Horse.
Limbaugh: Folks, he’s connecting the United States’ great name to this abomination.
Hannity: Disgusting!
+++++++++
Democracy is overrated. At least in other countries. Singapore and Saudi Arabia are dictatorships, but they are friendly dictatorships to us and to their people. China, isn’t free, but they’re better to their people than some democracies. Iran went from a dictatorship that like the US to a democracy that hates the US. Palestine elected terrorists to government. They’re not thanking the US for the chance to vote. South and Central America have produced a new generation of democratically elected leaders who are not friendly to the interests of the United States.
I know I’m supposed to care if people around the world are truly free, but I can’t get that worked up about it. I hate what is happening in North Korea or Myanmar, but the quasi-free states are so numerous and vast that you could never get around to fixing them all.
++++++++++++
Kentucky has the longest river named after a state to be completely contained within that state. Yes, the longest south-to-north flowing river to be named after a state and contained within that state while flowing through the capitol of that state is right here in Kentucky. Get your camera ready.
Our tourism industry revolves around horses. The state motto is “Unbridled Spirit”, and horse logos abound. I thought “Unbridled Spirit” was too subtle. I would have nominated “Hey, Everybody, We’ve Got HORSES Over Here!” If that doesn’t immediately attract a dozen or two biotech firms to locate in-state, nothing will.
We have the largest floral clock right here in Frankfort, KY (by weight and volume). Verifiable, accurate, objective evidence. We don’t just go making up stuff like you big city egocentric big shots. “Come to see the Secretariat’s Grave! Stay for the favorable corporate tax rates!”
Maybe what turns off high tech is our enthusiastic corn holing. Every BBQ that I go to, there’s a couple of corn holers going at it. They have corn hole groups and teams and leagues here in KY. When the summer comes around, everyone loves to get out the corn hole equipment. If you don’t think that’s the reason, Google “cornholing” with your safe search turned off.
If I wanted to push it, I’d also mention that KY is the kind of lubricant used in the dirtier interpretation of “corn hole”. And, did you know that you can’t spell “Kentucky” without c, u, n and t. But, what do you expect from a state that has a park named “Big Bone Lick”? Or is that a stretch for a punchline?
Republicans argue against gambling at racetracks are religious zealots backed by Indian reservations. Their argument is that Kentucky families will gamble away their life savings one quarter at a time. I find that really difficult to swallow, since just a few feet away, you can gamble it away on the horses thousands of dollars at a time. It’s like legalizing heroin, but then banning tobacco, citing health concerns. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass if it is a sin. Tax the holy hell out of them and reduce the burden for us pious folk.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Killers, killer workouts and dead treads.
The first country that gets out of this recession will be the biggest global player for the next generation or two. But who is going to make it happen?
The US has a history of attracting the best and brightest and most ambitious, then coupling these stars with access to almost unlimited resources. That, and some sheer good luck. But if we’re only counting on good luck to pull us out of recession, I wouldn’t bet on us.
I speculate China could be the next #1, but they’re autocratic and opaque. One wrong move by the central government can knock them out of the race in a hurry.
++++++++
Know who pisses me off? Everybody. Yes, that’s true, but right now, the bane of existence as I am writing this passage is goddamned double dippers.
No, not the idiot at a party that can’t suffice himself with the amount of cocktail sauce he picked up on his shrimp with a single dip. I mean working retirees. I’m sick of seeing 50 year old retirees around here. It jus’ ain’t right, I’m sayin’.
++++++++++++
I’ve been listening to The Best of Radiohead. I made the mistake of reading the band’s bio in the liner notes. Every failure “left the band contentious and depressed.” Every success “left the band drained and confused.” So after all the accolades and millions of CDs sold, I’m sure their lives are all miserable wrecks. Sad.
Say what you want about 1980s hair bands, but they obviously enjoyed success. Rappers always look pissed off about something, though.
So after the “Best of”, the next step is a CD of remakes, a breakup, a sh!t compilation CD taken from the clippings lying on the cutting room floor, a pained reunion tour, a CD of remixes and a tribute CD. Next stop: The dreaded bargain bin.
+++++++++++++++
Psychologically, stopping and starting many times during a race or a workout is bad. Once you stop two or three times, it starts to snowball until you’re going only a few yards. But is it better to run yourself into exhaustion? I never know what to do at those points.
+++++++++
I’m so very excited about the summer blockbusters coming out. “Transformers III: More Stuff to Blow Up”.
+++++++++++
I see people getting argumentative about sports teams. “The Yankees will win!” “No, the Phillies, dammit!” Why doesn’t someone say “I tell ya what. We’ll take these two teams and have them play an actual game of baseball. Whoever wins gets to claim victory, and our argument will be settled.” “Yes, that sounds reasonable.” And 6,000 sports bloggers and radio hosts suddenly poop their pants.
++++++++++++
Question: Why does a man who owns two treadmills have to do a long run outside in the dark in the cold in the rain?
Answer: Yes.
Since I’m now in my 40s, I have tried to get less enraged than I did in my 20s, but you know, some times it just doesn’t work. When my treadmill breaks, so does my temper.
I read an article on treadmill training versus road training. The article blasted treadmill training as inferior in several different ways. I generally compensate for this by running faster. I know that I should set the treadmill at 1% or 1.5% incline to compensate, but I almost never do.
In defense of treadmills: I don’t have a good place to sprint. Most people don’t. Most people won’t, but let’s pretend that they might, if they had access to a track. Training sprints are not race distances anyway. A sprint stretches out your pace and increases your VO2 Max - a treadmill does those well. Also, the amateur to average runner has a hard time in keeping a regular pace. I learned pacing only because I spent a long time on the treadmill. A combination of treadmill and road running will help you gain speed and increase endurance more than either method individually. I do about 65% of my running on a treadmill. I should probably do 65% road work instead. But then, I wouldn’t get to watch movies.
+++++++++++
On movies: I saw Jumper. It suffered from Star Wars syndrome, where no one with a name died. Not the hero, not the girlfriend, not the sidekick. Not even the bad guy. Not that you need a body count for a good movie, but you need some reason why the action stops. Here, they just called it quits.
Like I do with blog posts.
+++++++++++
No Country For Old Men also ended at a random point, but after anyone who would have been able to continue the story was dead. Except the bad guy.
The standout in No Country was a cold blooded killer who never seemed to be in any danger from the police. He killed his boss, so I wonder how he ever expected to get paid. Bad guys easily tracked down anyone they wanted to. The good guys never knew what hit them. What stays with you after watching this movie is the absolute cold bloodedness of the killer guy. He was just plain scary. Screw Michael Meyers or Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees. This guy was cold.
And he's still out there.
The US has a history of attracting the best and brightest and most ambitious, then coupling these stars with access to almost unlimited resources. That, and some sheer good luck. But if we’re only counting on good luck to pull us out of recession, I wouldn’t bet on us.
I speculate China could be the next #1, but they’re autocratic and opaque. One wrong move by the central government can knock them out of the race in a hurry.
++++++++
Know who pisses me off? Everybody. Yes, that’s true, but right now, the bane of existence as I am writing this passage is goddamned double dippers.
No, not the idiot at a party that can’t suffice himself with the amount of cocktail sauce he picked up on his shrimp with a single dip. I mean working retirees. I’m sick of seeing 50 year old retirees around here. It jus’ ain’t right, I’m sayin’.
++++++++++++
I’ve been listening to The Best of Radiohead. I made the mistake of reading the band’s bio in the liner notes. Every failure “left the band contentious and depressed.” Every success “left the band drained and confused.” So after all the accolades and millions of CDs sold, I’m sure their lives are all miserable wrecks. Sad.
Say what you want about 1980s hair bands, but they obviously enjoyed success. Rappers always look pissed off about something, though.
So after the “Best of”, the next step is a CD of remakes, a breakup, a sh!t compilation CD taken from the clippings lying on the cutting room floor, a pained reunion tour, a CD of remixes and a tribute CD. Next stop: The dreaded bargain bin.
+++++++++++++++
Psychologically, stopping and starting many times during a race or a workout is bad. Once you stop two or three times, it starts to snowball until you’re going only a few yards. But is it better to run yourself into exhaustion? I never know what to do at those points.
+++++++++
I’m so very excited about the summer blockbusters coming out. “Transformers III: More Stuff to Blow Up”.
+++++++++++
I see people getting argumentative about sports teams. “The Yankees will win!” “No, the Phillies, dammit!” Why doesn’t someone say “I tell ya what. We’ll take these two teams and have them play an actual game of baseball. Whoever wins gets to claim victory, and our argument will be settled.” “Yes, that sounds reasonable.” And 6,000 sports bloggers and radio hosts suddenly poop their pants.
++++++++++++
Question: Why does a man who owns two treadmills have to do a long run outside in the dark in the cold in the rain?
Answer: Yes.
Since I’m now in my 40s, I have tried to get less enraged than I did in my 20s, but you know, some times it just doesn’t work. When my treadmill breaks, so does my temper.
I read an article on treadmill training versus road training. The article blasted treadmill training as inferior in several different ways. I generally compensate for this by running faster. I know that I should set the treadmill at 1% or 1.5% incline to compensate, but I almost never do.
In defense of treadmills: I don’t have a good place to sprint. Most people don’t. Most people won’t, but let’s pretend that they might, if they had access to a track. Training sprints are not race distances anyway. A sprint stretches out your pace and increases your VO2 Max - a treadmill does those well. Also, the amateur to average runner has a hard time in keeping a regular pace. I learned pacing only because I spent a long time on the treadmill. A combination of treadmill and road running will help you gain speed and increase endurance more than either method individually. I do about 65% of my running on a treadmill. I should probably do 65% road work instead. But then, I wouldn’t get to watch movies.
+++++++++++
On movies: I saw Jumper. It suffered from Star Wars syndrome, where no one with a name died. Not the hero, not the girlfriend, not the sidekick. Not even the bad guy. Not that you need a body count for a good movie, but you need some reason why the action stops. Here, they just called it quits.
Like I do with blog posts.
+++++++++++
No Country For Old Men also ended at a random point, but after anyone who would have been able to continue the story was dead. Except the bad guy.
The standout in No Country was a cold blooded killer who never seemed to be in any danger from the police. He killed his boss, so I wonder how he ever expected to get paid. Bad guys easily tracked down anyone they wanted to. The good guys never knew what hit them. What stays with you after watching this movie is the absolute cold bloodedness of the killer guy. He was just plain scary. Screw Michael Meyers or Freddy Kruger or Jason Voorhees. This guy was cold.
And he's still out there.
Friday, July 2, 2010
A blog without Comic Sans MS font
I’ve read that there’s a recent backlash to using Comic Sans MS font. The article said that the creator of the font has been “alternately amused and mortified” seeing his font used on everything from business email to funeral notices. He also said that neither the lovers nor haters understand typography. “They should get another hobby.”
That would've been a little funny if this blog allowed me to actually use Comic Sans MS as a font. Let's just visualize.
+++++++++++++
New Superhero idea: Babyface, who’s power is that he ages half as fast as normal people. Because he gained his power 10 years ago when he was 15, he’s really 25 -- but looks only 20! His arch enemy is Chronos, who will inevitably trap Babyface in time-related contraptions. Because, as everyone in the comic book universe knows, any supervillian needs a superhero with equal and opposite powers or you just aren’t worth sh!t. And, vice versa, of course.
Chronos: Ha! Now I have you in my special aging chamber! It is set to age you twice as fast! Your super powers are nullified!
Babyface: Ah! I feel… weak… can’t… stand…
Chronos: Cut the crap, you’re just aging like everyone else now.
Babyface: Oh. Well, I still should escape from this chamber, right?
Chronos: No, because I’m going to turn it up even more! You will age 1.5 times faster than normal human beings!
Babyface: Ok, I’m a little tired.
Chronos: And I can go even faster!
Babyface: No, like I’m tired of this schtick of yours. Do you know any, uh, more exciting bad guys?
Chronos: You’re... leaving me?
Babyface: It’s not you, it’s me. I… ok, it is you.
Chronos: It’s both of us… sob! You know I’m the right one for you! Sob! We need each other! Sob sob!
Babyface: Can I get out of this stupid chamber or what?
++++++++++++
I’m not impressed with tax cuts as a means to stabilize the economy. If I lost my job, a tax cut won’t help me keep my house. If I work but was in danger of losing my house, a $13 per week tax refund in June is still unlikely to help. It’s too little, too late.
+++++++++++
I live with a near constant training program. But, I want my alcohol at night. Even more than that, I just want to dive into a box of donuts and eat until my arteries solidify. If only I could resist the charms of using Comic Sans MS
+++++++++++++
I’m still watching Battlestar Galactica. The humans are in a tizzy because they can’t tell the humans from the Cylons. As a viewer, it’s easy. The Cylons are the horny ones. The only human who is interested in sex is Baltar, and he’s the double agent. He’s constantly being seduced by a Cylon who is a figment of his imagination. He’s also supposed to be a genius but he can’t figure out that whenever he gets into relations with this apparition, he will always be walked in on, catching him alone in an embarrassing situation.
++++++++++++
It sorta goes without saying that … never mind, it went without my saying it.
++++++++++
In my never-ending quest to reap thousands of dollars by selling a worthless crappy artifact on Ebay, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich that happened to be shaped like the state of Kentucky. Ok, it’s not exactly a sign from the Heavens, because I shaped it with my teeth. But it was purely unplanned. On the other hand, I hadn’t brought any other food for the day. Here I was, holding a sandwich potentially worth thousands of dollars, and yet I could not put food in my belly!
So, I took a bite. I ate Harlan and Cumberland counties and a large swath of the Daniel Boone National Forest. Not a lot of people actually live out there, so may be they won’t notice.
++++++++++++++
Steven Covey made millions off some shtick “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. I’ll write “The Seven Annoying Habits of Stupid People”. I won’t do lectures that take seven sentences and stretch them into three day seminars like Covey did. Mostly that’s only because I only own two suits, and on the third day, everyone is going to know. You get the abridged version…
***Stupid people complain when it’s hot and when it’s cold.
***Stupid people think they drive better than the average driver.
***Stupid people use Comic Sans MS frequently.
***Stupid people act like they don’t know they’re stupid.
***Stupid people laugh when nothing is funny.
***Stupid people can’t count.
++++++++++
I have always wondered what they eat at the corporate board meetings at McDonalds. Do they get some gourmet chef, which would imply that their product sucks, or do they send someone out for a bag of Big Macs and fries? What if the gopher screws up and says “The lines were too long at McD’s, so I went across the street. Whopper, anyone?”
+++++++++++++
I spilled some coffee on the floor in an exact shape of Kyrgyzstan. So I took a picture, and I was going to sell it on Ebay for thousands of dollars. But how can I post it without essentially giving it away for free? Sobbing, I had to wipe up the Kyrgyzstan shaped coffee spill on my floor. It reminded me of the time a few years ago when I was changing diaper poop in the shape of Madagascar.
Some people will never appreciate obvious signs from the heavens. And by “appreciate”, I mean “pay me generously for my shoddy, half-hearted quasi-delusions”.
+++++++++
So when is this recession going to hit these overpaid sport salaries? I’m waiting.
++++++++++++
Untruth-in-advertising: Li’l Kim from Dancing With the Stars gave some diet tips. She said that she was a size 0. She has slimmed down quite a bit in the last few years, but there’s no way that she’s a size 0 with all those crazy curves going on. And I don’t get “size 0”. How can you have no size??
Li’l Kim’s diet tip was “no carbs after 5:00”. I don’t get that, either. How do the carbs know what time it is? Is there some microscopic carb clock that counts down to a midnight detonation?
+++++++++
This just in: Overuse of Comic Sans MS may cause headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, premature ejaculation, projectile diarrhea and the inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.
+++++++++++
I came upon a piece of copy paper shaped like the state of Colorado. I tried to sell it to their state museum for thousands of dollars. The offer was rejected because they insisted that it more closely resembled Wyoming. I can’t stand it when a perfectly good get-rich-quick scheme goes to hell.
++++++++++++++
Zawahri, the 2nd in command of Al-Qaida, is complaining about Obama’s plan to put more troops in Afghanistan. Zawahri ordered all the Arab states bordering Israel to attack, and he blasted Egypt for negotiating between the two rival Palestinian factions. Is there anybody outside of his cave that this guy doesn’t have a beef with?
++++++++++
I’m against the “peanut butter” approach to Homeland Security. Funds spent defending the Pentagon are good. Funds spent defending the tourist center in Harlan County, KY are plain-as-day pork.
++++++++++++
The Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Comic Sans MS is now the official font of terrorist networks worldwide.
+++++++++
At the 2009 Louisville marathon, I bonked at the end. But, the pacers were also bonking. The 3:10 pacer passed out on the pavement just after the finish line. The medical guys were trying to revive him.
“Are you ok, sir?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you know that ‘fine’ people don’t normally lie down on the street?”
“I’m ok.”
“Is this your first race?”
“No, It’s my 93rd.”
I was about a hair away from passing out myself. At least I was in good company. He recovered. Later, the previously-passed-out-pacer-presently-possessing-pep paused to prelect with me (abandon all attempts at alliteration!). He said that race was his worst ever, too.
+++++++++++++++++
I have my next-race dietary plan already set. No sugary sweets, but I’ll allow myself to drink alcohol during training. With any luck, that means less complaining. But right now, I brag about the oceans of beer that I didn’t drink. All told, that’s slightly less pathetic than back in college bragging about how much beer I did. Turns out that neither angle is good for picking up chicks. I don’t know why. Go figure.
+++++++++
Turns out that Comic Sans MS works well for picking up chicks online. Who knew?
That would've been a little funny if this blog allowed me to actually use Comic Sans MS as a font. Let's just visualize.
+++++++++++++
New Superhero idea: Babyface, who’s power is that he ages half as fast as normal people. Because he gained his power 10 years ago when he was 15, he’s really 25 -- but looks only 20! His arch enemy is Chronos, who will inevitably trap Babyface in time-related contraptions. Because, as everyone in the comic book universe knows, any supervillian needs a superhero with equal and opposite powers or you just aren’t worth sh!t. And, vice versa, of course.
Chronos: Ha! Now I have you in my special aging chamber! It is set to age you twice as fast! Your super powers are nullified!
Babyface: Ah! I feel… weak… can’t… stand…
Chronos: Cut the crap, you’re just aging like everyone else now.
Babyface: Oh. Well, I still should escape from this chamber, right?
Chronos: No, because I’m going to turn it up even more! You will age 1.5 times faster than normal human beings!
Babyface: Ok, I’m a little tired.
Chronos: And I can go even faster!
Babyface: No, like I’m tired of this schtick of yours. Do you know any, uh, more exciting bad guys?
Chronos: You’re... leaving me?
Babyface: It’s not you, it’s me. I… ok, it is you.
Chronos: It’s both of us… sob! You know I’m the right one for you! Sob! We need each other! Sob sob!
Babyface: Can I get out of this stupid chamber or what?
++++++++++++
I’m not impressed with tax cuts as a means to stabilize the economy. If I lost my job, a tax cut won’t help me keep my house. If I work but was in danger of losing my house, a $13 per week tax refund in June is still unlikely to help. It’s too little, too late.
+++++++++++
I live with a near constant training program. But, I want my alcohol at night. Even more than that, I just want to dive into a box of donuts and eat until my arteries solidify. If only I could resist the charms of using Comic Sans MS
+++++++++++++
I’m still watching Battlestar Galactica. The humans are in a tizzy because they can’t tell the humans from the Cylons. As a viewer, it’s easy. The Cylons are the horny ones. The only human who is interested in sex is Baltar, and he’s the double agent. He’s constantly being seduced by a Cylon who is a figment of his imagination. He’s also supposed to be a genius but he can’t figure out that whenever he gets into relations with this apparition, he will always be walked in on, catching him alone in an embarrassing situation.
++++++++++++
It sorta goes without saying that … never mind, it went without my saying it.
++++++++++
In my never-ending quest to reap thousands of dollars by selling a worthless crappy artifact on Ebay, I was eating a peanut butter sandwich that happened to be shaped like the state of Kentucky. Ok, it’s not exactly a sign from the Heavens, because I shaped it with my teeth. But it was purely unplanned. On the other hand, I hadn’t brought any other food for the day. Here I was, holding a sandwich potentially worth thousands of dollars, and yet I could not put food in my belly!
So, I took a bite. I ate Harlan and Cumberland counties and a large swath of the Daniel Boone National Forest. Not a lot of people actually live out there, so may be they won’t notice.
++++++++++++++
Steven Covey made millions off some shtick “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. I’ll write “The Seven Annoying Habits of Stupid People”. I won’t do lectures that take seven sentences and stretch them into three day seminars like Covey did. Mostly that’s only because I only own two suits, and on the third day, everyone is going to know. You get the abridged version…
***Stupid people complain when it’s hot and when it’s cold.
***Stupid people think they drive better than the average driver.
***Stupid people use Comic Sans MS frequently.
***Stupid people act like they don’t know they’re stupid.
***Stupid people laugh when nothing is funny.
***Stupid people can’t count.
++++++++++
I have always wondered what they eat at the corporate board meetings at McDonalds. Do they get some gourmet chef, which would imply that their product sucks, or do they send someone out for a bag of Big Macs and fries? What if the gopher screws up and says “The lines were too long at McD’s, so I went across the street. Whopper, anyone?”
+++++++++++++
I spilled some coffee on the floor in an exact shape of Kyrgyzstan. So I took a picture, and I was going to sell it on Ebay for thousands of dollars. But how can I post it without essentially giving it away for free? Sobbing, I had to wipe up the Kyrgyzstan shaped coffee spill on my floor. It reminded me of the time a few years ago when I was changing diaper poop in the shape of Madagascar.
Some people will never appreciate obvious signs from the heavens. And by “appreciate”, I mean “pay me generously for my shoddy, half-hearted quasi-delusions”.
+++++++++
So when is this recession going to hit these overpaid sport salaries? I’m waiting.
++++++++++++
Untruth-in-advertising: Li’l Kim from Dancing With the Stars gave some diet tips. She said that she was a size 0. She has slimmed down quite a bit in the last few years, but there’s no way that she’s a size 0 with all those crazy curves going on. And I don’t get “size 0”. How can you have no size??
Li’l Kim’s diet tip was “no carbs after 5:00”. I don’t get that, either. How do the carbs know what time it is? Is there some microscopic carb clock that counts down to a midnight detonation?
+++++++++
This just in: Overuse of Comic Sans MS may cause headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, premature ejaculation, projectile diarrhea and the inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.
+++++++++++
I came upon a piece of copy paper shaped like the state of Colorado. I tried to sell it to their state museum for thousands of dollars. The offer was rejected because they insisted that it more closely resembled Wyoming. I can’t stand it when a perfectly good get-rich-quick scheme goes to hell.
++++++++++++++
Zawahri, the 2nd in command of Al-Qaida, is complaining about Obama’s plan to put more troops in Afghanistan. Zawahri ordered all the Arab states bordering Israel to attack, and he blasted Egypt for negotiating between the two rival Palestinian factions. Is there anybody outside of his cave that this guy doesn’t have a beef with?
++++++++++
I’m against the “peanut butter” approach to Homeland Security. Funds spent defending the Pentagon are good. Funds spent defending the tourist center in Harlan County, KY are plain-as-day pork.
++++++++++++
The Department of Homeland Security has revealed that Comic Sans MS is now the official font of terrorist networks worldwide.
+++++++++
At the 2009 Louisville marathon, I bonked at the end. But, the pacers were also bonking. The 3:10 pacer passed out on the pavement just after the finish line. The medical guys were trying to revive him.
“Are you ok, sir?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you know that ‘fine’ people don’t normally lie down on the street?”
“I’m ok.”
“Is this your first race?”
“No, It’s my 93rd.”
I was about a hair away from passing out myself. At least I was in good company. He recovered. Later, the previously-passed-out-pacer-presently-possessing-pep paused to prelect with me (abandon all attempts at alliteration!). He said that race was his worst ever, too.
+++++++++++++++++
I have my next-race dietary plan already set. No sugary sweets, but I’ll allow myself to drink alcohol during training. With any luck, that means less complaining. But right now, I brag about the oceans of beer that I didn’t drink. All told, that’s slightly less pathetic than back in college bragging about how much beer I did. Turns out that neither angle is good for picking up chicks. I don’t know why. Go figure.
+++++++++
Turns out that Comic Sans MS works well for picking up chicks online. Who knew?
Cause and effect: To cure all ailments, wear clothes of various colors.
People in the south tend to say that they couldn’t possibly live in the north because the cold would keep them indoors, and they love the outdoors. Yet, in the heat of the summer, I hear “Oh my gosh it’s so hot out there” when it’s only in the 80s. Make up your minds – or move to California where it’s sunny and 72 year round.
It’s also the same distorted logic that prevents the mountain folk from moving to where there are actually jobs, because they’re of a “proud and independent” heritage. But receiving welfare checks makes you neither proud nor independent. Make up your minds – or move to California where you can pick vegetables.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarah Palin has never spoken on a formal level. Sure, it’s nice to see an official who has a human side, some would say “folksy” – I could do without all the winking, though. But what is she going to do when speaking to congress about something of grave importance? “C’mon, Warshington! Gimme th’ war powers act. Doncha wanna go shoot some Iranians? You betcha! *wink*” Damn, I hate that woman.
Nancy Pelosi makes me cringe every time she shows up on the news, too.
I thought the argument for women in politics was to bring moderation to the discussion and women are supposed to be such great communicators seeking group consensus and all that. What do we get? If I wanted sarcastic one-liners, I'd vote for Tina Fey.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
When a team from the old National Football League wins the Superbowl, that there’s an 80% chance of the stock market rising. But the Colts are now AFC, so does that still pan out? So what does that mean? What does it all mean???
We’re missing cause and effect here. They’ve also found a strong correlation between women’s hem lines and the stock market. So all we have to do is convince those idiots running the Paris fashion show that men really do in fact like to see women in short skirts. The stock market will soar and peace will reign throughout the land.
This brings up the rather uncomfortable fact that those responsible for designing women’s clothes are by and large hetero female or gay male. Neither party presumably knows what appeals to a straight guy football fan, or cares, but then is perplexed by why straight guys aren’t ooh-ing and aah-ing over their clever designs. Instead most football fans mistakenly call them out as the gaudy, ostentatious, unworkable, pretentious, hyper-expensive, ugly, uncomfortable poofery that they are. How gauche!
++++++++++++++++++++
I saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was really good. my wife only thought it was “ok”. But on my scale, it succeeded at doing what it set out to do, and it was a moderately challenging task. There were a lot of moments where I was literally on the edge of my seat, with my heart racing – not because of an action sequence, but the drama. I did comment that the title was crappy. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. The original title was “Q&A”, which is a lot more to the point.
++++++++++++++++++
Every time we get severe weather, the news people say “looks like a war zone!” I suggest that we stick these cliché ridden reporters in Iraq or Afghanistan, which is an actual war zone. I’d love to see them cover the aftermath of a suicide bomber with “It looks like the aftermath of a storm in eastern Kentucky!”
Of course if the news people visit Eastern Kentucky even in the best of times, they might declare "It looks like the set of 'Slumdog Millionare!'"
+++++++++++++++++
I’m being encouraged to wear red this Friday to promote women’s heart health. The organizers of this event apparently are unfamiliar with the rationale of cause and effect.
They don’t have men’s heart health day because men never suffer coronary dysfunction. Maybe I should wear purple paisley on Friday and claim that it draws attention to those that suffer from chronic priapism resulting in dangerous sperm buildup, especially afflicting high school and college age men.
I think I'll promote awareness of irritable bowel syndrome by wearing brown.
++++++++++++++++++++++
More cause and effect: I got a chain email asking me to pray for a cure for cancer. I’m not sure how to do that. Didn’t God create cancer? Can’t I just pray that no one ever gets cancer in the first place? Is telling God what to do sacreligious?
++++++++
What I should try in my running is capture the good moments, like when you feel unstoppable. I’ve felt like that in rare moments in practice and races. A few years ago around mile 11 of a half marathon, I noticed someone in my peripheral vision trying to pass me. I focused on the road ahead, and didn’t give it up. I kept repeating that moment in Lord of the Rings, when Gandalf tells the flaming Balrog: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! The vicious battle lasted a few minutes (me and the runner guy, not Gandalf vs. balrog). I got a little bit ahead, and I finished it off when we came to a tight turn. It was so tight that you’d have to slow down a few steps to make it. Or, what I did, which was to hit the inside corner and pivot. That’s risky, but the gods of distance races were on my side that day. At the end of the LotR scene, Gandalf is slipping off the ledge, about to plummet to the bottomless pit, and says “RUN, YOU FOOLS!”
Gandalf came back to life, but I never saw that other runner guy again.
+++++++++++++++++
I’m watching this History Channel thing on the end of the world and all these scientists are making these brilliant technical analysis followed by silly layman’s bottom line that grossly understates the gravity of the situation. For example, on getting hit with a gamma ray burst from a star less than a hundred light years from here: “The burst will be so intense that your molecules themselves will fly apart… You don’t want to be around for that.”
On the death of the Sun: “It will cook the Earth’s surface and turn the crust back into lava… You’d have a pretty lousy day.”
From that documentary I learned about “The Big Rip”. It’s the opposite of the Big Bang. Ordinary matter will systematically get trashed due to dark energy forces. It’s still just theoretical, but let’s put a date on our calendar almost 50 billion years from now when we will party like it’s 49,999,999,999.
I’d suggest buying some wine for the event and letting it ferment for all that while, but the yeast will probably evolve and become intelligent. Awkward!
So hold off on purchasing party supplies until, like the week before. We may get it at a discount going-out-of-business sale, who knows?
It’s also the same distorted logic that prevents the mountain folk from moving to where there are actually jobs, because they’re of a “proud and independent” heritage. But receiving welfare checks makes you neither proud nor independent. Make up your minds – or move to California where you can pick vegetables.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sarah Palin has never spoken on a formal level. Sure, it’s nice to see an official who has a human side, some would say “folksy” – I could do without all the winking, though. But what is she going to do when speaking to congress about something of grave importance? “C’mon, Warshington! Gimme th’ war powers act. Doncha wanna go shoot some Iranians? You betcha! *wink*” Damn, I hate that woman.
Nancy Pelosi makes me cringe every time she shows up on the news, too.
I thought the argument for women in politics was to bring moderation to the discussion and women are supposed to be such great communicators seeking group consensus and all that. What do we get? If I wanted sarcastic one-liners, I'd vote for Tina Fey.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
When a team from the old National Football League wins the Superbowl, that there’s an 80% chance of the stock market rising. But the Colts are now AFC, so does that still pan out? So what does that mean? What does it all mean???
We’re missing cause and effect here. They’ve also found a strong correlation between women’s hem lines and the stock market. So all we have to do is convince those idiots running the Paris fashion show that men really do in fact like to see women in short skirts. The stock market will soar and peace will reign throughout the land.
This brings up the rather uncomfortable fact that those responsible for designing women’s clothes are by and large hetero female or gay male. Neither party presumably knows what appeals to a straight guy football fan, or cares, but then is perplexed by why straight guys aren’t ooh-ing and aah-ing over their clever designs. Instead most football fans mistakenly call them out as the gaudy, ostentatious, unworkable, pretentious, hyper-expensive, ugly, uncomfortable poofery that they are. How gauche!
++++++++++++++++++++
I saw Slumdog Millionaire. It was really good. my wife only thought it was “ok”. But on my scale, it succeeded at doing what it set out to do, and it was a moderately challenging task. There were a lot of moments where I was literally on the edge of my seat, with my heart racing – not because of an action sequence, but the drama. I did comment that the title was crappy. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. The original title was “Q&A”, which is a lot more to the point.
++++++++++++++++++
Every time we get severe weather, the news people say “looks like a war zone!” I suggest that we stick these cliché ridden reporters in Iraq or Afghanistan, which is an actual war zone. I’d love to see them cover the aftermath of a suicide bomber with “It looks like the aftermath of a storm in eastern Kentucky!”
Of course if the news people visit Eastern Kentucky even in the best of times, they might declare "It looks like the set of 'Slumdog Millionare!'"
+++++++++++++++++
I’m being encouraged to wear red this Friday to promote women’s heart health. The organizers of this event apparently are unfamiliar with the rationale of cause and effect.
They don’t have men’s heart health day because men never suffer coronary dysfunction. Maybe I should wear purple paisley on Friday and claim that it draws attention to those that suffer from chronic priapism resulting in dangerous sperm buildup, especially afflicting high school and college age men.
I think I'll promote awareness of irritable bowel syndrome by wearing brown.
++++++++++++++++++++++
More cause and effect: I got a chain email asking me to pray for a cure for cancer. I’m not sure how to do that. Didn’t God create cancer? Can’t I just pray that no one ever gets cancer in the first place? Is telling God what to do sacreligious?
++++++++
What I should try in my running is capture the good moments, like when you feel unstoppable. I’ve felt like that in rare moments in practice and races. A few years ago around mile 11 of a half marathon, I noticed someone in my peripheral vision trying to pass me. I focused on the road ahead, and didn’t give it up. I kept repeating that moment in Lord of the Rings, when Gandalf tells the flaming Balrog: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! The vicious battle lasted a few minutes (me and the runner guy, not Gandalf vs. balrog). I got a little bit ahead, and I finished it off when we came to a tight turn. It was so tight that you’d have to slow down a few steps to make it. Or, what I did, which was to hit the inside corner and pivot. That’s risky, but the gods of distance races were on my side that day. At the end of the LotR scene, Gandalf is slipping off the ledge, about to plummet to the bottomless pit, and says “RUN, YOU FOOLS!”
Gandalf came back to life, but I never saw that other runner guy again.
+++++++++++++++++
I’m watching this History Channel thing on the end of the world and all these scientists are making these brilliant technical analysis followed by silly layman’s bottom line that grossly understates the gravity of the situation. For example, on getting hit with a gamma ray burst from a star less than a hundred light years from here: “The burst will be so intense that your molecules themselves will fly apart… You don’t want to be around for that.”
On the death of the Sun: “It will cook the Earth’s surface and turn the crust back into lava… You’d have a pretty lousy day.”
From that documentary I learned about “The Big Rip”. It’s the opposite of the Big Bang. Ordinary matter will systematically get trashed due to dark energy forces. It’s still just theoretical, but let’s put a date on our calendar almost 50 billion years from now when we will party like it’s 49,999,999,999.
I’d suggest buying some wine for the event and letting it ferment for all that while, but the yeast will probably evolve and become intelligent. Awkward!
So hold off on purchasing party supplies until, like the week before. We may get it at a discount going-out-of-business sale, who knows?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Look 100% sexier in 7 minutes! Ha ha, made you look.
Giuliani is against cutting extravagant corporate salaries and lavish expense accounts on Wall Street, because he feels that without such things, the restaurant and entertainment industry will suffer. Using the same logic, we should legalize prostitution, because all the law enforcement is really making it hard out here to be a pimp. I dispute that dropping a CEO pay package to $400K per year will force poverty stricken CEOs to brown bag it to work (like I do every day).
If it doesn’t directly relate to 9/11, Giuliani’s really out of his depth.
+++++++++++++++++
Rather than pay CEOs outrageous sums of money, I say let them go. I’d like to see a bright, ambitious up & comer take the reigns of a flailing Fortune 500 and turn it around. That would shake the foundations of this CEO class that’s been generated over the past several decades. What, no one else can ruin a company but them? “Yes, I lost a dollar last quarter for every man, woman and child on the planet. But if anyone else did the job, it would have been a dollar and a half!” They’ve got General McClellan’s ambition and Homer Simpson’s abilities. Since General McClellan was incompetent, I suppose they could also have McClellan’s ambition and abilities, but throwing Homer in the punch line never gets old.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Homer Simpson!
See? Instant comedy gold.
+++++++++++++++++
I again perused the women’s magazine suckfest tossed about on the table in the break room. I enjoy reading the great works of journalistic integrity and monumental world consequence such as the cover story “Look 100% Sexier in 7 Minutes! (p. 148)” I hurried to page 148. To get 100% sexier, you apparently put on makeup. There were a few pages of faces of attractive but not noteworthy women’s faces, with a makeup product or two detailing how to achieve that “look”. You must purchase 3 products to get the “Natural Look” and also 3 for the “Sexy Look” – but keep your eyes half open for that “sexy” effect. The “Natural Look” is most definitely not the “no-makeup look”. No sane woman would want that. The “Natural Look” is “no makeup needed”. I did not spend the required 7 minutes, only 2. My food finished in the microwave and I left. So my sexiness went up only 30%. Oh well.
I miss the late 80’s Cosmo mags with their cover stories on 500 ways to have round-the-clock-cream-in-your-pants screaming orgasms; clothing tips like build-your-own push-up bra (years before it was sold in stores); makeup tips like putting glitter on your now overexposed cleavage; relationship quizzes that would call you a prude if you’re on the second date and you’re still not halfway through the Kama Sutra, and a recipe on how to make good raspberry vinaigrette.
Cosmo still has articles on vinaigrette. All the rest, sadly, is so 80s.
++++++++++++++++++
If you want to win an Oscar, start out by raking a billion dollars in at the box office, and the rest just comes naturally.
++++++++++++++++++
I’m reading a Robert Ludlum book about a spy-guy who has all these false memories and keeps trying to find out who he really is. For example, he clearly remembers going to college for four years, but they don’t have any record for him. I was thinking “Ok, dude, get over it, you’re in the Twilight Zone, that’s all.” But instead, he goes through some kind of mental anguish.
Back in real life, I spent all morning looking for a file that I distinctly remember creating last fall that seems to have vanished. I’m looking everywhere. Dead end after dead end. But I manifestly remember doing it. I just don’t know who I am anymore!!
Oh, and the amnesiac in the Ludlum book is not Jason Bourne.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bart Simpson was supposedly an out-of-wedlock conception that happened right out of high school. Since Bart is eternally 10 years old, wouldn’t that make Marge and Homer eternally 28? Chrome dome at 28??
If it doesn’t directly relate to 9/11, Giuliani’s really out of his depth.
+++++++++++++++++
Rather than pay CEOs outrageous sums of money, I say let them go. I’d like to see a bright, ambitious up & comer take the reigns of a flailing Fortune 500 and turn it around. That would shake the foundations of this CEO class that’s been generated over the past several decades. What, no one else can ruin a company but them? “Yes, I lost a dollar last quarter for every man, woman and child on the planet. But if anyone else did the job, it would have been a dollar and a half!” They’ve got General McClellan’s ambition and Homer Simpson’s abilities. Since General McClellan was incompetent, I suppose they could also have McClellan’s ambition and abilities, but throwing Homer in the punch line never gets old.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Homer Simpson!
See? Instant comedy gold.
+++++++++++++++++
I again perused the women’s magazine suckfest tossed about on the table in the break room. I enjoy reading the great works of journalistic integrity and monumental world consequence such as the cover story “Look 100% Sexier in 7 Minutes! (p. 148)” I hurried to page 148. To get 100% sexier, you apparently put on makeup. There were a few pages of faces of attractive but not noteworthy women’s faces, with a makeup product or two detailing how to achieve that “look”. You must purchase 3 products to get the “Natural Look” and also 3 for the “Sexy Look” – but keep your eyes half open for that “sexy” effect. The “Natural Look” is most definitely not the “no-makeup look”. No sane woman would want that. The “Natural Look” is “no makeup needed”. I did not spend the required 7 minutes, only 2. My food finished in the microwave and I left. So my sexiness went up only 30%. Oh well.
I miss the late 80’s Cosmo mags with their cover stories on 500 ways to have round-the-clock-cream-in-your-pants screaming orgasms; clothing tips like build-your-own push-up bra (years before it was sold in stores); makeup tips like putting glitter on your now overexposed cleavage; relationship quizzes that would call you a prude if you’re on the second date and you’re still not halfway through the Kama Sutra, and a recipe on how to make good raspberry vinaigrette.
Cosmo still has articles on vinaigrette. All the rest, sadly, is so 80s.
++++++++++++++++++
If you want to win an Oscar, start out by raking a billion dollars in at the box office, and the rest just comes naturally.
++++++++++++++++++
I’m reading a Robert Ludlum book about a spy-guy who has all these false memories and keeps trying to find out who he really is. For example, he clearly remembers going to college for four years, but they don’t have any record for him. I was thinking “Ok, dude, get over it, you’re in the Twilight Zone, that’s all.” But instead, he goes through some kind of mental anguish.
Back in real life, I spent all morning looking for a file that I distinctly remember creating last fall that seems to have vanished. I’m looking everywhere. Dead end after dead end. But I manifestly remember doing it. I just don’t know who I am anymore!!
Oh, and the amnesiac in the Ludlum book is not Jason Bourne.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bart Simpson was supposedly an out-of-wedlock conception that happened right out of high school. Since Bart is eternally 10 years old, wouldn’t that make Marge and Homer eternally 28? Chrome dome at 28??
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