Goofus votes for Theo Therguy. Gallant votes for Hogen Mogen.

In economics, you learn about substitutes. Caffeine is substitute for cocaine. Far cheaper, legal, provides most of the same effects, doesn’t carry as many of the health repercussions, it’s widely available and socially accepted. Why the hell would anybody choose cocaine? Seems like you’d only resort to an expensive substitute like cocaine if you couldn’t find a Starbucks. Like that could ever happen.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’ve been planning out my campaign strategy to be elected to the local School Board. I think that my opponent, Theo Therguy, would try to turn the whole thing into a negative ad campaign, whereby he intones that voting for Hogen Mogen turns you queer. Trying to play the “I know you are, but what am I” card, is he? Well, I’d expect that from an unimaginative sack of sh!t like him. I shall disprove his accusation by showing several of my supporters having hot, lurid, heterosexual fornication; shot with grainy features to make it appear as if it were a secretly placed surveillance tape. New campaign slogan “If ya wanna get some, vote for da Mogen!”
The ad will conclude with me, dressed like a pimp. “My name is Ho-bling-gen Mo-Fo-gen, y’all. Yo damn straight I approve o’ dis message. Peace-out, dawg! Boo-ya!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When people say “Can’t see the forest through all the trees”, what do they really mean? How many trees does it take to make a forest? Where does it break the confines of “grove” and become “forest”? I never could figure that one out. Same with “Can’t win for loosing!” If I could learn such things, by golly, nothing would be beyond my grasp.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I read Highlights last week. They still have that “Goofus and Gallant” juxtaposition. Shame on your parents for naming you Goofus. If your name is Goofus, I say you have license to burn down the school. That kid is pretty nice given that his name is Goofus, if you ask me.

Gallant made a fabulous sand castle with doors and windows that really opened, and Goofus spent his time stuffing dirt up another kid’s nose. Ok, I get it already. Don’t act like Goofus, don’t make friends with him. Don’t even make eye contact if he comes near.

Or the corporate cross promotion vehicle version:Gallant drinks Powerade©, the sports energy drink.Goofus drinks store brand sugary cola.

Or the Kentucky version:Gallant politely spits his chaw into a cup.Goofus squirts it into the air and claims to be practicing long distance spitting for the Skoal© contest at the county fair.

Maybe it was Gallant who was secretly deviant. You always saw how Gallant would let others use the rest room ahead of him or how thoroughly he cleaned his hands after he finished. But they never told you about him purposefully peeing all over the toilet seat.

Maybe Goofus knew all along about this kind of thing but kept it to himself. After being accused of all these nasty and nit picky things by that smug jerk, Gallant, for all these years, no one believed Goofus. I imagine that Goofus was really a pretty decent kid with a few flaws. Years later, he turns to an old stack of Highlights magazine and sees how every minor mistake he made was fodder for ridicule by a generation of kids. That’s the breaking point that snaps Goofus into a shooting spree.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You can use statistics to prove 99% of anything, at least 68% of the time.