Non-news, long dead music stars and a review of a dozen movies that I haven't seen

Non-news event that is being blasted across the headlines: Holiday travelers face delays at airports! Oh, I would never have guessed! Air travel can be frustrating? What? With all the money, technology and the 80+ years of commercial air flight, that they’d have all the bugs worked out. But, there are problems you say? You’re kidding! Really? That probably would be news here in KY, where most people travel by horse and buggy. The standard at the airport is a biplane and next year we move up to the DC-3.

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I like to listen to classical music while I work. I’m out of touch with modern popular culture, so I like to imagine what the cool kids of the 18th century listened to for kicks.

“Listen, the orchestra is doing Marriage of Figaro Overture.”
“That is so overplayed. That and Die Zauberflöte.”
“Yeah! Every goddamn recital! I’m sick of them. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik deserves it.”
“Dude, you check out the new Requiem by Mozart? That is slammin’!”
“Yeah, he’s really trying for a comeback with that one.”
“Good luck, I heard he’s dead.”
“Oh man. Sucks. I was really into his early stuff.”
“You know the Alphabet Song?”
“A-B-C-D-E-F-G… everyone knows that.”
“That was Mozart, bro.”
“No way!”
“Way.”
“So what are you into now?”
“That new guy, Haydn.”
“Eh, he’s ok. I like Ignatz von Beeke.”
“Yeah, boooiii! That guy jams on the harpsichord!”
“String Quartet in G Presto; that is the shit, knowwhatI’msayin?”
“Hey, you know that Juliette chick that’s always hangin’ around the castle?”
“Yeah, she’s into Salieri. Beyotch.”
“She has a Francesco Benucci concert corset, but she didn’t even go to the show.”
“What a poser.”
“You should definitely ‘do’ her.”
“’Do’ her, like make scandalous eye contact in public??”
“Yeah, then don’t send your messenger boy to her estate the next day. Heh heh.”
“Man! That’s harsh, bro! I’m gonna do it. Let’s do it!”
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A slew of big movies are coming out this summer. Remakes, reboots, rehashes. Harry Potter and the…. Something That Sounds Vaguely Scary Part XXV2 – yeah, that’s a gimme.

Russell Crowe is going to be Robin Hood. It did so much for Kevin Cosner’s career.

Another Shrek, another Toy Story, another Iron Man, another Vampire thingy. Another… Tron? It takes guts to make a sequel to a huge, 28 year old flop.

The A Team is coming to the big screen. Maybe this bunch will shoot, blow stuff up and actually kill someone. It’s like the TV version trained at the Stormtrooper School of Marksmanship.

The recipe: Take some old tv show. Make a movie. Result: Box office gold. The A-Team. Sex & the City 2 (both a TV series and a sequel) There’s a Nickelodeon show unfortunately called “Avatar” that is recreated in a movie called “The Last Airbender”. I’m going to buy the rights to “Car 54 Where Are You?”, “What’s Happening?” and “Golden Girls”. They’re ripe for a big budget remake, I’m telling you.

Freddy Krueger is getting a reboot. Clash of the Titans is getting a remake. Was anyone clamoring for these? C’mon, show of hands. Really? You in the back? Oh, you were just scratching your armpit. I see.

In the legacy of Judge Dredd, Swamp Thing, Watchmen, Constantine and Hellboy; Jonas Hex is the graphic novel next coming to the silver screen. You need one of those every summer, or the sun will not shine, crops will die and worldwide famine will ensue. Watch this movie and those like it or suffer the consequences, mankind.

Given the choice between watching another Judge Dredd or Hellboy versus total annihilation, mankind selects the latter.