Bob Dylan: A life so profound you can not make heads or tails of it

I saw a Bob Dylan biopic. I see what they were trying to do, so I give them some points. But they kept jumping around in time between six different actors playing Bob, and none of them were called Bob. There was Billy the Kid, Jude Quinn/Jack/Pastor John/Robbie/Woody Guthrie and Arthur something. So there were time jumps, actor transitions and name scrambles in between real, imagined, symbolic and surreal events in Dylan’s life. Cate Blanchett did the best Dylan. Heath Ledger did the worst, followed by Richard Gere. After watching, I don’t feel like I know him better as an artist, a person or a historical figure. Was he really ever a runaway black kid?

The trouble with doing a biopic on Dylan is that he’s still walking around muttering incoherent things, accepting Grammys and doing an odd soundtrack here and there. I’m sure those mumbles are profound, though.

Even when he emails a technical question to a colostomy bag manufacturer, it should be regarded as sacred scripture defining the American troubadour. “Excuse me… I have been using MedCo© 2-ply bags for a few months now, but they leak. Hefty© 3-ply appear to be leak-free, but I they may not be large enough to contain all my waste. Do you have an industrial size?” Ooh, poignant. Topical. Deep.

Maybe he writes all his email in the cryptic pentameter of song.

I’ve been using the Medco for many a moon
The leakage springs forth all but too soon
Hefty© 3-ply could prove to be a boon
And my bag, it needs a-changin’.

Hefty© is the corporate giant to some
Their 3-ply bags, they don’t leak none
But answer my questions, they number one:
How soon will my bag need a-changin’?

Now I need a big bag because I sh!t quite a lot
I’ll take on the small bag if it’s all that you’ve got
I’ll change it ev’ry hour, I’ll give it a shot
When my bag, it needs a-changin’
(harmonica solo)

I turn right now to the corp-or-ation
To solve my problems with def-e-cation
In hopes to find some co-op-eration
‘Cuz my bag, it needs a-changin’.
My bag… it needs.. a-chan-gin’.

There’s a musical biopic due out this spring about the Runaways, the band that spawned Joan Jett and Lita Ford. If it were done like “I’m Not There”, the Dylan pic, it would star John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson, amongst others. Joan Jett could be played by Olympia Dukakis. The part where Lita did a duet with Ozzy would be played by Ginger Spice. Ginger will be Lita, not Ozzy. Ozzy should be played by Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, Jonah Hex is a graphic novel guy coming to the screen this summer. He’s a gunfighter with a horrible scar on his face and a checkered past. His comics are pretty simple. If your last name isn’t Hex, you’re an odds-on candidate for boot hill. I read 25 episodes before they finally gave up his back story, except how he got his scar. How many will I have to read to find out how he invented the hex wrench?
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The UK Wildcats lost. Coach Calipari said that you can’t spell “learning” without an L. I’m think “Yeah, because then you’re EARNING.” And if you take the L out of “lover” then it’s “over”. And if you take the L out of Palin you get “pain”. If you take the U out of “up”, twist the “p” around until it is a “d”, and add “own”, you can spell “vertigo”.