The Bionic Gimp

So, here’s the new superhero that will take the comic world by storm and end up as a prime time TV show or a movie franchise cash cow: TVTALKSHOWHOSTMAN! Yes, he will battle evil with his amazing powers with a microphone. His special power will be to elicit the truth from anyone he sits down next to his desk.
TVTSHM: “Tell me, Ali-bah-al-del-Sheik-Osama-bama, is it true that you’re the 20th hijacker from 9/11?”
ABADSOB: “You will get nothing from me. Death to America!”
TVTSHM: “Now I have you sitting by my desk. Are you the 20th hijacker?”
ABADSOB: “Sniff! I just wanted to destroy your freedom. Sniff! Yes, I was part of 9/11, but I’m not a bad person! Sob-sob! Can I jump up and down on your couch now?”
TVTSHM: “And we’ll be back after these messages.”
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I’m reading a graphic novel series called “Planetary”. There’s an obligatory hot chick with super powers. Super speed, indestructible, that kind of thing. There’s an older guy with two unexplained powers – he makes things cold and he doesn’t age. He’s the “loner type”, so he sulks a lot like he’s doing everyone a huge favor by being there. The team techie’s name is “The Drummer”. He carries drum sticks. Good thing, because without them his name would be “The Douche Bag”. The old guy routinely threatens to shove the sticks up The Drummer’s @ss. Not very cleverly done the first time, and the subtlety wears off with each passing threat.
“There’s a disturbance in Sector J!”
“Can’t you see I’m struggling with my inner demons? Shout at me again and I’m going to shove those goddamn drum sticks up your @ss!” (Cue the laugh track)
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When I hurt my back, I didn’t feel it when I was sitting down. All the rest of me was fine except that one little spot on my back. I keep thinking that I could get up and go for a good 10 miler. I’d be like the 6 Million Dollar Man. I could never understand how he could run so fast with only one bionic leg. That would be me. Hobbling along at super speed.