How to get elected to a school board without really trying

I’ve said it before: we should have just showered money on Iraq and called it quits. The population of Iraq is 20 million. Estimates of the total cost of the war are in the 2 trillion dollar range. 2 trillion dollars represents one hundred thousand dollars for every man, woman and child in Iraq. If the US could give all of us a fraction of that, and stipulate that it be spent on public infrastructure, we’d have the best public transportation, sewage, schools, parks, hospitals and police protection in the world.

The numbers behind the big troop surge in Afghanistan is equally baffling. We’re sending in 30,000 new troops, which will cost 30,000,000,000 more dollars. Who are we sending? Dr. Evil? “Per troop it costs one million dollars!”
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In al-Quiada, nepotism and cronyism are not only accepted, but encouraged. Bribery is more of a position perk than a shady deal. For all their pious Islamic sanctimony, terrorists are awful at governing. Sort of like Bush, except that he’s Baptist.
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In order to get elected to the school board, I’d have to look great in a tux with a hottie on each arm. Ok, I don’t know how great I would look, but I certainly would FEEL like I was the sh!t with a hottie on each arm, and people vote on feeling rather than campaign substance.

If actually elected to the Board, I’d never visit an actual school, anyway. I’d like to avoid the appearance of pedophilia, but mostly I’d avoid it because I’d be expected to know what the hell really happens there. I’d probably be expected to arrive sober, and that sort of thing is outside the parameters of my platform. My plan involves arriving (via chauffeur) at the occasional board meeting and railing against Iraq, overcrowding in the Texas prison system, deforestation in South America (should I be pro or con?) and the agonizing bye week in between the NFC and AFC conference championship games and the Superbowl. I’ll propose that since two thirds of the Earth’s surface is covered by water, we should abide by the majority and sink the seven continents. Oh, and I’m sick and tired of all these off beat places like the remote South Pacific Ocean getting all the total solar eclipses. I think they should be rescheduled and awarded to higher population areas and those that have had greater historical voter participation.

When asked what in blue blazes any of that had to do with the local school district, I could quickly change my attack to using Bounty© paper towels rather than Brawny©. See, if there’s water on the floor, and Brawny doesn’t get it all fast enough, some kid can slip and crack his or her head wide open and bleed all over the floor, and since Brawny can’t remove that blood fast enough, other kids may slip on it and crack their heads on it, spilling more blood until the entire school might just as well have been nuked by Iran. Bounty© is by far the quicker picker-upper and anyone who disagrees has just surrendered to the terrorists. I’m headed back to the fridge. Anyone else want a beer? Just don’t spill it, or this place could turn into a grizzly bloodbath.