I just read a dumpy tabloid. I really had no idea that Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck were still together. I had to check the dates. Yeah, it was a current magazine.
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When I’m old and decrepit and worn down from too much running, I’ll be able to say “Yeah, this is what did it to me. Never do anything athletic, sonny.”
But who knows? Maybe I’ll be a living legend like Jack LaLane, who at 90 is more fit than half the guys half his age. Maybe I’ll run a marathon when I’m 100 or something. Somebody has to be the first.
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I’m a bit sad that my friend Joe at my church is retiring. He used to keep the church farm running, clean up, decorate for the holidays, be an usher, greeter and Eucharistic minister. Even when he broke his leg last fall, he kept up with a lot of that stuff. When he was 87, I introduced him to my parents, and he shook their hand and said “I have a heart palpitation, I could die any minute.” His wife has been saying behind his back for the last five years that he has terminal cancer and doesn’t know it. Now he’s 94, and I was hoping that he’d just sort of keep going until he made Methuselah look like a young whippersnapper. But all things must come to pass.
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So I hear Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had a fight and they’re on the outs.
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Garfield should just die. Garfield the final strip:
Panel 1: Sleepy looking Garf (to Jon): Coffee now, dammit!
Panel 2: Garf smacks Jon on the back of the head with his empty coffee cup.
Panel 3: Garf is in a cage at the animal shelter. Ta da!
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Another vignette:
Bush 41: Back when I ran the country into recession, I brought down our family name for a few election cycles. But, wow, son, you’ve managed to bring shame and disgrace on our family name for generations!
Bush 43: Dad, are you quoting Weird Al?
Bush 41: Greenspan? Yeah, he shares some of the blame, too, I guess.
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You play the hand you’re dealt. The Republicans don’t seem to want to play any hand. They want to pretend like they’re just watching the game instead of involved in it.
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Ben to Jen: We Must Get Back - - For the sake of our baby!
Jen to Ben: Baby? Are you mistaking me for Jennifer Love Hewlitt again?
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I formed a one-man committee, and I met almost every day, for several hours on end. Although the meetings seem to be productive, I went on to form a sub-committee to tackle the problem of too frequent meetings. I spearheaded this campaign successfully, as I got myself to agree not to meet at all in the future. Not only can I say that the effort was a success, but it has now been made official. My one-man panel of experts on the matter has published a report on the subject that specifically gives me full credit. Oh geez, now I’m blushing. I’m sure there’s a promotion in store.
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There’s a rapper guy named C-Murder who violated the conditions of his house arrest. I’m sure he’s really innocent. I’m sure that it was really just a misunderstanding. Oh, the media bias against people who name themselves after violent crimes!
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I got a new CD from the library. “China: The Greatest Songs Ever.” Whoa, such modesty! Well, I rocked out to songs like “Delivering the Public Grain Happily” and “The Young Heroic Sisters of the Mongolian Grassland”. There is also an all-time smash hit called “Mini Taobuxiator”, which translates into English as “My Taobuxiator”. I had no idea that the English word for taobuxiator was the same as in Mandarin. What are the chances of that??
I am now inspired to liberate the peasants, nationalize industry and ruthlessly squash all resistance.
Actually, the music wasn’t that great. I’ll just squash resistance with my ruth intact.
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Jennifer Garner has been spotted with a new beau that she claims is her “agent”.
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The left wing rails against corporations making profits while the proletarian line worker gets a miniscule raise. But if you factor in the increased burden that many employers have paid in the form of health care, most employees’ wages have been rising against inflation for a long time.
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Ben Affleck has been caught with a hot woman that he says is his “co-star” in an upcoming “project”.
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I take a lot of aspirin for general pain from running. Maybe I can get addicted, and then write a boring novel about how I beat my aspirin addiction because of the love of my wife and children or some other convenient explanation. Then I’ll write an equally maudlin prequel about how my driving need to compete got me addicted in the first place. I’d cap it off with yet another sappy novel, about a relapse when I’m training for the July 4th 10K this summer to make this sh!t-fest into a golden trilogy of suckiness.
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So I’m listening to a CD called “The #1 Bach Album”. Yes, it was an international best seller back in Bach’s time. All the cool royalty owned a copy, and the gentry pirated it on to their iPods. The lower classes could only download samples to their cell phones.
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Everyone complains about sitting on a cold toilet seat, but in a public bathroom, it’s really quite preferable to a warm one. To me, anyway.
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I set yet another personal run mileage record. Most blah blah blah in whenever. Something insane.
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I saw the movie “Jarhead”. Jake Gyllenhall and Jamie Foxx are marines in Iraq for Gulf War I. I’ll sum up the plot: “F—k this! F—k that! F—k you, you f—king f—k from f—kville!!” I’m sure the book was better. They kept calling him “f@ggot”, but they never even saw Gyllenhall’s cowboy movie.
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You know what would be a cool job? Steven King’s psychiatrist.
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Jennifer Garner has been spotted with a woman hotter than Ben’s, who she claims is her “personal trainer”.
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I saw “There Will Be Blood”. It was between ok and good. It could use a little more action. I kept telling myself “Don’t worry. There WILL be blood!” There wasn’t. Someone got shot in the head, but not much blood. Even when someone got bludgeoned (head wound), there wasn’t any blood. What’s up with that?
There was plenty of face slapping. There were at least four separate incidents where someone’s face got slapped repeatedly. And not women slapping men, either. It’s all hombre-y-hombre action. I grant that “There Will Be Face Slapping” wouldn’t garner any Academy clout, though.
I recommend this flick tepidly. However, two big thumbs up if you don’t like seeing blood but have a fetish for gay S&M bitchslaps.
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Ben Affleck has been photographed with a handsome MAN who he referred to as his “brother”, whom he also called “Casey”. And we all know what that means.
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My wife and I host a weekly meeting during Lent called “Why Catholic?” I’m Catholic because we don’t have a problem with getting liquored up on occasion. It’s about the one thing that we can do guilt free.
At the meetings, we have to combat the fact that no one wants to talk about their deep religious beliefs. But we have one guy who regaled us this week with an out-of-body experience at work. Some vision took him to some distant planet where people’s souls were represented by ping-pong ball sized orbs of light with silvery angel hair strings. He said the vision lasted three or four hours, and I just kept thinking “You were on the clock the whole time?”
It’s good to get an active participant who has no problem in sharing with the group. It’s hard to plug that dam after it bursts. This week, he came – seriously – with a crown of thorns and invited us all to wear it. I said “Christ suffered so that we don’t have to.” He seemed a little disappointed, but bagged it.
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Jennifer Garner was spotted on a movie set in a passionate embrace with her hunky leading man. Her “agent”, in a statement, said that it was being filmed for a new movie.
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So I’m watching yet another bad action movie, and at some point, the bad guy captures the good guy.
Bad Guy: I have you completely outmatched. Join forces with me! Capitulate or suffer!
Good Guy: Never! I don’t even know the meaning of the word “capitulate”!
Bad Guy: Take that! *zzzzzzaap*
Good Guy: Aaaagghhh! No, really! I don’t know the meaning of “capitulate”!
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Republicans say Obama’s health care will sink the economy. But they want Obama to fail. So why didn’t they vote for it? Am I over thinking again?
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I’m running well these days, fending off the aches that could turn into injuries. Who knows, though? The lack of pain in my body could just be due to my aspirin/ibuprophen addiction (be sure to read my upcoming autobiographical sh!ttrilogy).
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Two counties in KY put up blatantly unconstitutional 10 Commandment monuments about 10 years ago and have been fighting the ACLU ever since. They got the final, final, final judgment against them. The ACLU won $400,000 for attorney fees, which is more than these two impoverished counties can comfortably cough up. I’m loathe to see hard earned taxpayer money go to lawyers. But didn’t the elected officials make all kinds of bellicose proclamations about fighting this battle to eternity?
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I’ve started to watch the new Battlestar Galactica on DVD. Gaius Baltar is supposed to be some kind of reknown super-genius. He hasn’t said or done anything of particular brilliance, but he’s angst ridden. Every angst ridden person is brilliant, right? Brilliant people know things like that.
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There was an ad for Women’s Health Magazine. It was one of those fake magazines, where you open it to find the first three lines of a salacious article instead of the whole thing. “Spice Up Your Bed Tonight!” offered up only one suggestion: Grab your cell phone and take a picture of your…. (buy Women’s Health Magazine for the rest!)
So now I’m going to lie awake at night wondering what it was. I might be wildly titilated by an out-of-focus hand or something, I wouldn’t know unless I experience it.
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Ben Affleck was spotted chatting with an attractive cocktail waitress. His spokesperson claimed that she was taking his “order” for drinks at a restaurant.
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AIG bonuses and fake rage by congress. Ok, the rage isn’t all that fake, but it is certainly pumped up for the cameras. The Reps decided to aim their fake rage not at AIG but towards the Dems. Yeah, that’s the way to win back power.
I wonder what you have to do at these companies to get a million dollar bonus, suck wind? Experience gravity? Apparently you don’t even need to show up for work, because some of the bonus recipients didn’t even work for AIG anymore.
I’m going to start interviewing on Wall St. I feel confident that I’ll land a job because in the middle of the interview, I’ll take a call from my wife, and I’ll pretend that it’s another Wall St. firm looking to hire me. Every time I want a raise, I’ll just look out the window and say “Hey, is that firm across the street hiring?” They will shower me with money.
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Well, Jen cracked first. She offered a tearful apology to Ben. And love is in the air…
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