Lesbians, rhinos and Godzilla

I saw Milla Jojovich in some lukewarm movie UltraViolet. It didn’t rise to the heights that it aspired to, I assume they were going for some kind of Matrix-type adventure. The action was all there. One cool sequence had Jojovich ride up the side of a building on a motorcycle as a helicopter sprays the glass façade with bullets. The plot, however, stank like month old cheese. There’s the regular humans are at war with humans tainted with some virus. Violet gets hold of a weapon, but it’s not a weapon, it’s a boy. No, not just a boy, he has a pathogen that will kill all those with the virus. NO, his pathogen will cure the virus. NO, he’s completely normal in every way. NO, he’s the evil guy’s clone! NO, his pathogen will kill uninfected humans! He’s a weapon, he’s the cure, he’s a bargaining chip, he’s a floor wax, he’s a dessert topping!

Whatever, Milla wears tight pants and the obligatory high heels of an action chick. I suppose you could argue that Milla’s heels were useful as some kind of additional weapon, since everything she kicked with them instantly shattered. In the future the army will be divided in to two groups. There are those that wear gas masks and carry guns and those that wear gas masks and carry Japanese swords. Our heroine fights the soldiers that have swords with a sword of her own. Those with guns are given the option of dying by sword or by gun. Those with swords always rush at her with their swords held high over their heads. Then they’d inevitably get sliced through the unprotected mid section. Sometimes two of the swordsmen would rush at her from opposite directions, and wind up stabbing their own guy when Milla jumped out of the way. The gun-toting soldiers kept shooting half their squad in their own crossfire. But the all time winner was when they had one of those 150mm rotating machine guns blazing away as she drove a motorcycle straight at them. If you can’t hit a motorcycle as it drives straight into your gun, you’re top of your class at the Star Wars Stormtrooper School of Arts.

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There was a sequel to Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I sure wish those pants got to wherever the hell they were supposed to be going and just stayed there. Of course, that’s another movie where the action carries the movie. I saw some clips. Those pants go in to the washer, and I can’t even begin to describe the thrills of the spin cycle sequence.

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I don’t think the terrorists are interested in peace, land, liberty, self rule or any of that. I think they just want to see stuff blow up. They should have a July 4th like holiday where they blow up stuff. Not like a hotel full of journalists, but just stuff, like a TV or an old car.

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I saw a Hummer on the road and said “Why would anyone buy a car the size of a rhino?” but then I looked it up and they’re really 2.2 times the size of a rhino. Now it all makes sense.

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So my wife got the indi movie "Puccini For Beginners". There was only one fast visit to the opera. But the movie “Must Love Dogs” centered on two people who didn’t own dogs. At least “Robot Jox” had the “Jox” part down – although they didn’t spell it correctly. Puccini For Beginners had this routine love triangle, but did I mention that the lead character was a lesbian? Oh, now suddenly it’s fascinating, because some chick is running around saying “Lesbian, lesbian! Look at me, I’m a lesbian!” That is obviously important somehow. Everything a lesbian thinks, does, writes or says is of unquestioned artistic significance, because she’s a narcissistic, self-absorbed, pseudo-intellectual, New York City LESBIAN. It was a merciful 82 minutes long, and still felt stretched out thinly because other than the fact that she’s a LESBIAN, there’s nothing else to say. LEZ-B-AN!

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Blondie was almost funny today. I’d say this joke was a “diamond in the rough”, but I think it would be more like a “gemstone of lesser quality, such as a ruby or an emerald haphazardly appearing in a trough of pig slop”. If you ever hear that expression again, just remember who coined it first.

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How’s this – INDIANA JONES and The Mythical Thing No One’s Ever Heard Of. Does that say “blockbuster” all over it?

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Apparently, in Narnia, 1300 years have passed in between the first and second movies, but they don’t seem to have made many technical advances since that time. I’m surprised that one of the kids from our world doesn’t say “Gee, you guys are still medieval? In half that time, the human race went from medieval to spaceflight, computers and something called Cheez-Wiz. We didn’t even have the benefit of talking animals and magic wands. In your FACE, troglodyte Narnians! Yay, humanity!”

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I’m sort of worn out from this annual parade of CGI boom-and-crash fiascoes. Hulk and Godzilla a few years ago have been so thoroughly forgotten that they’re contemplating remakes to revamp the franchise already. Godzilla was 2000 and Hulk was 02 or 03. Face it, you made sucky, unmemorable movies. Next time try writing a script that includes some actual human drama. In the case of Godzilla, no, don’t even try.

If you somehow feel that you can explore some subtle nuance to this product placement monster that hasn’t been fleshed out in the past 20 movies, then maybe you should stop and take a step back to re-evaluate your life. It’s a monster that breathes laser beams. What else could possibly happen?

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I saw Indiana Jones, I think it suffered from recycled material and the overwhelming sense that no good guy is going to come to bodily harm. Indy and friends are surrounded by 20 Soviets with guns. They escape, go through some elaborate action sequence, killing the 20 Soviets only to wind up surrounded by about 20 more Soviets pointing guns at them. You’d think with each repetition, that there would be numerically fewer bad guys. But no, 20-20=20 and there is an inexhaustible supply of Soviets wielding guns 12,000 miles from Moscow. Oh, and there is no “kingdom” of the crystal skull, it’s just a crystal skull and some abandoned ruins that aren’t really abandoned.

In the middle of the car chase, I was like “so we’re back to this again?” Even Indy seemed a bit labored. He beat up all these soldiers and kicked out the driver. There was about as much enthusiasm as if he picked the keys up started an empty car. Oh, am I spoiling it for you if I said that there was a car chase action sequence? OF COURSE THERE WAS A CAR CHASE!

Anyway, the big secret of the movie is not much of a secret and it took me 2 seconds to figure it out, and I’m not very good about those sorts of things.

Hellboy was one of those movies that knows it wouldn’t grade an A or a B, and so it took the course pass/fail.