I hate when people try to shove food at me. “You can eat whatever you want – ha ha!” No, not really. If I eat a ton of crap, then I can’t do my runs, and I get fat in a downward spiral. And the ones that really get my goat think that making fun of my workout is funny. “Better you than me! Ha ha. Looks too much like work. Ha ha! You’ve got to be crazy to run marathons. Ha ha.” But I’m not crazy. You’re the one who’s crazy. You’re driving me crazy! They put me in an institution said it was the only solution give me professional help to protect me from the enemy myself! Next thing I know, I’m asking for a Pepsi. JUST ONE PEPSI AND SHE WOULDN’T GIVE IT TO ME!
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Would a hyperactive hypocrite be just a crit?
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I was making a peanut butter sandwich, and the bread tore apart. I looked at it, and I’ll be darned if it wasn’t in the exact shape as the island of Australia. So I’m going to scrape off the peanut butter and sell it on E-bay for thousands. Do you think I can charge extra if I toast it first? Damn, I should have used vegemite instead of peanut butter.
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So I got an old Rolling Stones CD from the library. Their Satanic Majesty’s Request, to be exact. Great stuff generally. Back in those days, they would put on some hits and stuff the rest with obvious filler. A snoring dude and sounds of braying animals would wind up on the cutting room floor. I don’t think music as a whole is missing much in that regard. I mean, seriously. I’m sitting there, doing my uninteresting work, and some old fart is snoring right there in my earbuds.
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Also from the eclectic library collection is something called “Rogue’s Gallery”, which is a collection of sea chanteys. You’d think that such a thing would be really low budget. When was the last time a dirty limerick topped the charts? But Sting sings one and Bono sings another. Some of the songs are well produced, some sound like a bunch of drunken Irishmen at a football match banging on old pirate skulls. Arrrr, matey.
In the notes, there is a brief description of each song. Most mention that no one ever wrote down the original lyrics due to “unfortunate Victorian sensibilities”. For example, there’s a ditty called “Baltimore Wh*res”, and it sounds pretty much like you’d think,
It’s good to listen to, but I wouldn’t fork over any of my hard earned doubloons.
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What is Burger King’s new “Angry Whopper” all about? If “you are what you eat”, why would anyone want eat that? Are they angry at being charged $3.49 for a regular Whopper with barbeque sauce? I’m afraid it would kick my ass – from the inside!
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I watched a movie called “The Marine”. Before any introduction, I see “World Wrestling Enterprises Entertainment”. Right off the bat I know where this one is headed. Anyway, it had a bunch of muscle bound bad guys beating up the equally muscle bound MARINE. If this movie missed any action movie cliché, it really isn’t a cliché at all. Opening sequence: THE MARINE is in a war zone. He gets a direct order not to save 5 captured soldiers. Hero disobeys and comes in guns a-blazin’. Hero gets discharged from the military. Cliché? Check. Bad guy killing members of his own crew? Check. Swimming underwater for ten minutes with your clothes on? Check. Action hero never gets bruised despite repeated beatings? Check. “We’ve can’t kill THE MARINE’s wife. We need her as an ‘insurance policy’.” Yes, 5 easy clichés! After he wastes 6 bad guys, you’d think they’d just drop the chick off so that THE MARINE will quit killing them one by one.
The choreographer had a hard job. Every weapon could only be used once. If you beat a guy with a 2x4, the next guy has to get whacked with an axe. After the axe, you have to kung-fu some moves on the next guy and snap his neck. The next guy gets stabbed with the knife that THE MARINE was carrying all along. Might as well toss the knife away now that it’s out of ammo.
At least no one shot a car one time and had it explode. They had to shoot the car 1200 times before it exploded. 1200 bullets, and crashing it into a fuel dump. Note to the bad guys: Stop hiding behind things that explode.
They tried “wit”. Robert Patrick starred as the bad guy. He’s the guy who played the second Terminator. So the bad guys are shooting at THE MARINE, and he keeps coming after them. “He’s like the Terminator!” they say. But the guy who played THE MARINE wasn’t Robert Patrick who played the Terminator, so: *facepalm*!
If the best thing in your movie is a botched reference another movie, the only logical recourse for you is to round up all the cast, crew, writers, directors and erase their memory via forced lobotomy. Then destroy all evidence that the movie ever existed by sealing it in a vault and sinking it in to the Mariana Trench with a warning label to all future generations in eighteen languages not to open for all eternity. Really, it is the only logical recourse. There should be a charitable fund established to do that sort of work for the good of humanity and posterity. I’m going to make my case to the Obama administration.
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My new training thing is to strap ankle weights on every day when I walk. Not for running, I tried that and it sucked. Yeah, it seems kind of crazy, but everyone is looking for that magic little trick that will yield huge gains. Will it work? I figure that so long as I’m not avoiding every hard thing, I can pick and choose the workouts that don’t make me miserable.
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Do you ever get the impression that banker’s bonuses are distributed on the basis of who has the most manager-looking hair? Best dressed? Good attendance? Better-than-average office cleanliness?
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I’m watching this movie called “The Covenant”, which isn’t all that good. What it really suffers from is that almost every male character looks exactly alike. Call it “The Apartment 3G Complex”. Of the 5 guys who are witches, or warlocks or whatever, two of them look identical, and another one would, except he has long hair. There’s a new kid in town who looks like he’s their clone. You can figure out newbie has witchy powers in the first five minutes – but it takes at least ¾ of the movie for the other witchy guys to figure it out. The new guy casts a spell on himself to make him look like the one of the others. Since they all looked alike, I didn’t know. In the end, they all forget their feud and go form a boy band or something. Why bother with a vague, blood vengeance if you can get wildly rich and score with hot chicks?
But what do you expect from a movie that mistakenly called spiders “some kind of insect”? 45 years of Spiderman constantly correcting his enemies - Have they learned nothing???
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I’m still trying to come up with a superhero character that could make it to the big time. I figured that someone with endurance beyond human capability would make someone “super”. So, what about the ability to stay awake for long stretches? Wouldn’t that be exciting? The world record for staying awake seems to be around 11.5 days or so. The Guiness Book felt that it encouraged dangerous behavior, so they removed it. Ok, but they kept the guy who walked on a tightrope between the Twin Towers, greatest bull fighter, longest time holding breath underwater and the deepest sword swallower. So Enduro, my super character, will stay awake for 45 days at a stretch. His arch-enemy will be called “Sominex”. What riveting action will ensue? Oh, just wait.
And wait.
And wait…
Yeah, I know, you’re thinking that it will take some kind of insomniac kid to really appreciate Enduro’s hours of loneliness in the early morn, and angst-ridden rage possibly due to poor sleep habits and a diet consisting of coffee, sugar candy and Red Bull. But what power did Batman have, really? A car and a tool belt? Big whoop, so did Joe the Plumber.
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