Never get pregnant if you're married to an action hero.

Sears is trying to get some “street cred” by teaming with LL Cool J. No offense to LL, but he was a boy scout and newspaper delivery boy. Now he’s 44, wife and kids, living in the ‘burbs of Long Island. To Sears, that’s hard core gangsta. Yeah boyeee!

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If it takes 10 years to make a difference, do you really want to be sitting here in 10 years saying “Yeah, if I had done that back then, things would be different now.”

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But instead of alternative energy development, it’s a damn good thing that Jim Bunning is taking a courageous stand against steroids in baseball and other vicious attacks upon our treasured national pastime. You can’t get away with desecrating the sacred sport played by overpaid pretty boys. There’s only four things holy in this country. Baseball, apple pie, mom and Elvis. What’s next? Apple pie baked from bio-engineered apples? Mom on hormone therapy? Elvis on drugs? Oh, wait…

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Why doesn’t the word “piss” and the word “sh!t” carry equal weight? “Sh!t” is a vulgar substitute for any number of words. After being given a ton of work, you’d never say “I can’t believe all the piss that my pisshead boss gave me! He wants it when? You’re pissing me. If he wants it done by then, he’s piss out of luck.” But, I’ve actually heard on TV “He’s going to be pissed.”

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They say there’s no “I” in “team”. But there is an “m-e”. There is an “I” if you say “team” in Spanish (equipo). Of course “I” in Spanish is “yo”. It seems as if we’re at a linguistic impasse with this one.

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I’m watching “Hostage” with Bruce Willis. The really bad guy shoots the lesser bad guys. If only that happened in real life, half the criminals would die in every caper. To quote M*A*S*H, “If there were more guys like you, there would be fewer guys like you.”

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I got back to season 1 of “24” to finish it up. Man, I had no idea that the Kim Bauer story line could be as irrelevant as it was in season 2. She’s wandering around LA getting into trouble. I’m glad I don’t live in LA, because apparently you can’t walk down the street or go to your father’s office without drug dealers, pimps, or terrorists getting in your face. The land outside LA is ringed with crazies and mountain lions, which prevents anyone from leaving. Never trust the cops, either. The suggestion to call the police has been raised on the average one time every three hours or so. The consistent response given has been “No! We can’t trust the cops!” It really should be “Hm... That’s actually not a bad idea.” Of course, if they did want to call the cops, the cell phone would have no signal or a dead battery.

Jack Bauer’s wife made the fatal mistake in action movies. “Jack, I’m pregnant! Isn’t that wonderful?” Jack: “Should they play “Taps” or get some fat lady to belt out “Amazing Grace”?”

Yeah, I could write this stuff.