When anyone asks about my running, the most common response is “If I ran for a half a mile, my legs would probably fall off. Ha-ha!” That’s not funny, that’s just plain sad.
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I saw a list of the worst 100 movies of all time. I managed to see only 2 on the list, whereas I’m certain my wife has seen close to a dozen, maybe more, with all her rom-coms and rom-drams. Most notably, there is Diane Keaton’s “Because I Said So”, where Diane plays a too-high-on-her-horse mother of three eternally miserable daughters. I’d hate it unless Keaton’s family in the movie had an intervention, and by “intervention”, I mean “lock the doors and pummel her until she stops moving”. Since that plot line didn’t show any sign of appearing, I left to go stare at something.
I managed to miss a ton of movies that should have reached out to me but didn’t. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever somehow never made it to my screen. Neither did Battlefield Earth, despite my action/sci-fi predilection. I saw "One Missed Call" and "The Covenant", both horror movies and horrible movies.
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Pinocchio always creeped me out and frustrated me at the same time. The wooden kid gets easily tricked and sold into slavery, despite his conscience pleading with him not to go there. He escapes with some fairy magic. Then he is almost immediately sold back into slavery by the same guys. Frustrating. Then there’s the whole problem of all these boys turning into miserable donkeys, and getting swallowed by a whale and how the hell does a wooden boy almost drown? Pinocchio sucks.
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Texting while driving is under fire recently. I can’t imagine why a practice that endangers your life and the lives of others might be controversial. Don’t do it.
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I’ve heard about Michael Jordan’s new 37,500 sq ft mansion with a $7.6 million price tag. While that might seem like a lot, it’s only $202 per square foot. The local residents are complaining that he’s building a house 3 times the size of theirs. While they’re forced to live in the squalor of a 12,500 square foot hovel, he flaunts his opulence in their face. Terrible. How will these non-famous multi-millionaires ever live it down?
Speaking of which, the average wealth of the 10 richest people in the world fell 14%. Sob sob sob. How utterly tragic. Gates & Buffett are nice guys, but still… gimmesome!
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True Blood is a love story of a human and a vampire. So they hooked up. Now what? Where is this thing going? They manufacture rifts in the relationship or petty squabbles with other humans or other vamps.
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How could Obama win the Nobel Peace Prize? What the hell are they smoking? The Brit Awards once gave a lifetime achievement award to the Spice Girls after two poppy, cheese-infested CDs. The rationale given was “mostly for the contributions they will yet make in the field.”
…And they never contributed again.
We have an award given every month for people who go over and above the call of duty to perform their job and provide excellent customer service. The first winner got it because she gives hugs. The award is a month in a reserved parking spot. She didn’t need the reserved spot, so she gave it away. And for that, she won again.
Anyone can win one of our department awards for just about anything. One guy won because he gave a can of soda to a co-worker. Most people who are nominated have no specific actions, but someone just gushes in a nomination filled with how they are so pleasant to work with and fun to talk to. I got nominated for some award for excellence, efficiency and enthusiasm despite having only a tenuous claim to maybe one of those three qualities. But, I lost out to a woman because she’s undergoing chemotherapy, which doesn’t make you any of those qualities.
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I survived season 1 of True Blood. My wife and I were discussing who we identified with the most, and we both picked the black, gay, drug dealing short order chef. He’s dead now, but I thought I saw him in clips of Season 2. So who else in this town is there? The vampire? The clairvoyant? The serial bride (looking for husband #5)? The PTSD war vet? The faux-Cajun psycho killer? The shape-shifter? The sex-addicted doofus? The frustrated, self-loathing cop is normal, but who wants to identify with him?
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Republicans claim that Pelosi is “backing down to liberals in her party”. She is a liberal in her party. She’s backing down to herself?
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A lot of people get black toenails from running. My wife likes to check up on them in a way that’s weird and a little creepy. I wonder if she keeps a chart somewhere that tracks how many are black so she can report them on CNBC.
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I hear all about the great deals you can get on hotels in this economy, but then I go to find some in the town that I’m actually going to at the time that I’m going to be there, and I don’t see any of these alleged deals. Bah, the economy is great, and that sucks.
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Sometimes I get mad at myself. Then I stop talking to myself. And then there are the mistrustful sideways glances as I pass myself in the hallway and awkward silences in the car – because, you know, I carpool with myself, too. Eventually, there is a real heart-to-heart, tearful reconciliation, etc. But there’s that lingering self-doubt that nags me.
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Speaking of doubt, I saw the Merrill Streep movie “Doubt”. There was no background music. Anyone who bought the soundtrack got ripped off.
I thought that my wife enjoy “Doubt”, but her only comment was that Streep filmed it right after Mama Mia. So she went from playing someone much younger than she really is to playing someone that is her real age. That talent is what I call “acting”. But, she was more insightful than my observation about the suckers who plunked down $15.99 for a CD featuring 74 minutes of tape hiss.
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We saw Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince”, in which Harry finds an old text book of spells that guarantees him academic excellence and success in defeating his arch nemesis Voldemort. So obviously, Harry decides to get rid of it. Although it would save his life and the world from evil, apparently gray-area cheating in a magic potion class is by far the worse crime.
The book belongs to “The Half Blood Prince”, which plays no part in the plot, save the fact that no one knows who this person is. Then at the end someone says “Oh, by the way, I’m the Half Blood Prince.” Ta-da!
So in the final chapter, do we find out what the hell happened to Voldemort’s nose, or what?
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